Tell me a joke?

Question

10 point to the first to make me howl

Answer 1

naked man with a woman on his back walks into a fancy dress party. someone says "what are u sposed 2 be?" man replies "a snail" "whats that on your back then?" "thats Michelle"

Answer 2

y I'm not funny!
I couldn't make a banana laugh!
Except when my friend puts the crutiartis curse on me then I'm Freaking Hilirous!!! I looking like a VERY VVERY VERY VERY VERY BAD BREAKDANCER! I would put a video of it on Youtube If I knew how to do that with my video camara, it uses a tape! Yet still digital. Hmmmmmmmm... Oh wait this is the jokes section not the I'm a dork section! My Bad, must of thaken a wrong turn at, No Not in New Mexico, but at sallisaw,OK. Whoops!!!! See Ya!

Answer 3

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

Answer 4

There were three nuns at an interfaith event in India. They see a dead body and decide to give it last rites. The first nun is Jewish, so she checks his ***** to see if he has been circumnockerated. He hasn't. The second nun is Hindu, and checks his fingertips for wear and tear from saying mantras on a rosary. Nope, not Hindu. The third nun notices the body levitating six inches above the ground. The nun is a student of Guru Argee Barjee Bear Yogi, so before she gives him last rites asks if the body was Catholic or Protestant.

Answer 5

A man walks in a bar with a crocodile and says to the barman, will you buy my drinks all night if I show you a great trick?
The barman says yeah ok, so the man gets his willy out, puts it in the crocodiles mouth and hits it over the head with a barstool.
The crocodile just closes it's mouth gently on the man's willy with no harm to him at all.
The barman says that's great! Would anyone else like to try it for free drinks all night?
A little old woman says yeah ok, but don't let him hit me as hard as he hit that crocodile

Answer 6

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first check up. The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned that the baby was a bit underweight, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" said the woman. "Well, strip down to your waist " said the doctor. She did as he asked. The doctor proceeded to give her a thorough examination. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both her breasts in a very detailed and proffessional manner. Motioning her to get dressed the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know" said the woman, "I'm his Grandmother, but I'm very glad I came."

Answer 7

The octopus joke

An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like."


The English man gives it a guitar which it plays better than Jimmy Hendrix.


The Irish man gives it a piano which it plays better than Elton John.


The Scottish man throws it a set of bagpipes.

The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman say

"What's wrong, can ye no play it?"


The octopus says "Play it? I'm going to screw her brains out once I get her pajamas off!!"

Answer 8

The Perfect Husband


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Answer 9

A guy graduates from college and becomes a phsyciatrist. His first day at the mental hospital .the first patient he meets is a woman who has nothing in her hands but is moving like she is playing tennis. she says hello i'm venus williams and i'm getting out of here soon.The 2nd patient is a man swing his arms like a baseball player he says i'm barry bonds and i'm getting out of here soon.the 3rd patient is a man laying on the flor naked with a bag of peanuts next too him 1 by 1 he takes a peanut and cracks it over his penis. and says i'm
f king nuts and i'm never getting out of here

Answer 10

A blonde was having car trouble so she went to a mechanic.
After a few hours the mechanic goes to the blonde and says, "Well everything seems fine."
"What was the problem?" the blonde asked.
"Eh," said the mechanic, "just crap in the engine."
The blonde then asks, "Well, how often should I do that?"

Answer 11

I had to get coast to coast quick without much notice. My budget's tight and the best deal on a flight I could find was a commuter flight that made five stops. Wasn't to confident I'd make the deadline but it was the best I could do. I got on the plane. A couple people got on and a couple people got off, a little red truck came out and put gas in the plane and we took off. At the first stop a couple people got off, a couple people got on and a little red truck came out and put gas in the plane and we took off. At each following stop a couple people got off, a couple people got on, a little red truck came out and put gas in the plane and we took off. At the next to the last stop a couple people got off, a couple people got on and a little red truck came out and put gas in the plane and wee took off. The passenger in the next seat turned to me and remarked "We're not doing too bad." I answered "The little red truck's not doing bad either."