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Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

A vet is making love to his wife when the phone rings. Being on duty he answers it and the client says, "I've got a dog and a bit*h humping on my doorstop; how can I stop them?"

The vet says, "Put a mobile phone next to them and ring it."
The client says, "And will that work?"
The vet says, "It just stopped me!"

2007-08-14 23:07:04 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Throughout our secondary school career, me and my best friend used to note down funny or stupid things our teachers said by mistake. Here are some of my favourites:

"Brown eyed parents can often have blue children."
"Imagine you're a lampshade. That always helps me sing better."
"Students can keep their phones in their pocket blazers."
"We'll finish this yesterday."
"Stick your face on!"
"This is bluey-black. It's sometimes called purple."
"Four minutes here are two minutes there; that's eight minutes."
"Please forward any comments directly to me via my personal assistant."
"If the trees fall off in winter, we call them deciduous."
"It's lovely for parents with kids; it's lovely for parents without kids ..."
"I can test you until the cows come out of my mouth."
"I'm talking - no wonder you can't understand!"
"I taught Hitler ... I didn't mean to say that ..."
"Germs don't exist!"
"Stop being clever and stupid!"

2007-08-14 22:51:33 · 31 answers · asked by Perry 4

The women at one college called a would-be romeo a great natural athlete. He makes every broad jump.





In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a new
Pillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy. Unfortunately, she
couldn't come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.




I don't think the leading feminist realized what she was saying when she told a reporter, "As long as women are split like we are, men will remain on top."





A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.

2007-08-14 22:41:42 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

20

Babyblue walked into the kitchen to find nemesis stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked
"Hunting flies", he responded
"Oh, killed any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males and 2 females" he replied.
Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on the beer can and 2 were on the phone."

2007-08-14 22:03:08 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I went on a date with a wealthy bustard who told me in no uncertain terms that I was TOO FAT for him to consider dating! (I am 5'9 and weigh 135lb, uk size 10), I know I can't really get back at him but the thought alone is woth considering!! Give me all and any ideas....... no matter how ridiculous!!!!

2007-08-14 22:02:50 · 5 answers · asked by negravirago 2

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t speak aloud in pubic places about our s e x lives…

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

2007-08-14 21:17:50 · 5 answers · asked by enchantress 3

If anyone can help by supplying one I'd be very grateful

2007-08-14 21:04:46 · 3 answers · asked by kev.tatlow@btinternet.com 1

2007-08-14 20:38:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok, just so you all know this is not an original joke but if you think it's funny you know what to do =)
The Perfect Woman . . .
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry an extraordinarily beautiful woman, so they could produce gorgeous children beyond compare. With that in mind he set out on a mission to find the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

“Well,” the Redneck replied, “they’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Why don’t you look ‘em over and pick the one you want?”

The man was ecstatic, and decided to take each one out to dinner to size them all up. The first night he dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a wee bit - not that you can hardly notice - pigeon-toed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

“Well,” the man replied, “she’s just a wee bit - not that you can hardly tell - crosseyed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry.”

The redneck gave his blessing, so the couple was wed immediately. Months later their first baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

“Well,” explained the Redneck, “she was just a wee bit - not that you could hardly tell - pregnant when you met her.”

2007-08-14 20:27:09 · 15 answers · asked by the questioner 2

Man starts shouting in a store...... where is my free gift with this
oil?Shopkeeper : there is nothing free with this Man: it is written CHOLESTROL FREE.
---
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears thumping coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I wake up and hear you and Daddy making noises and when I look into your room your bouncing up and down on him." His mother replies with, "Oh,..well... ah...well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that squishes his belly down and makes him thin again.."The boy replies, "Duh, mom, that won't work because the lady next door just comes over every day and blows him back up
----
The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!
---

2007-08-14 20:22:59 · 3 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
---
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
---
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap
----
Teacher : U failure ! @ ur age Bill gates stood first in the class
Student : Mind u, Sir, but @ ur age Hitler commited suicide
---

2007-08-14 20:18:12 · 5 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

A man buids a house. All four wall of his house face south. Then, a bear walks by. What color is the bear?

If you have any more brain teasers like this please share. I use them on my students to keep them occupied during slow times. Thanx!

2007-08-14 19:34:30 · 7 answers · asked by blondecougaress 4

bar in London.She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.However,down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down
on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?"Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"The bartender approached the old drunk and said, "I say, old chap, It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?As far as I'm concerned," the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina.

2007-08-14 19:31:20 · 21 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

Tell me your best "yo mama" jokes and Skinny jokes

2007-08-14 19:27:50 · 5 answers · asked by meow 2

I don't think it was inappropriate. It said- Say something to make me laugh. Even if it's off color. No one responded to it anyway!

2007-08-14 19:12:00 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

How does a man find out if his girlfriend is ticklish?
By giving her a couple of test-tickles!

2007-08-14 19:07:58 · 6 answers · asked by June S 3

hi share your scary instances with me.........................
this happened to me...................
i and my friend named ahana were way back home ...i stay in banglore and this incident happened when i was only 10... we were planning to visit the hotel in khandala without our parents..... after many quarrels ,they allowed us to go..........we both were sharing a room........ soon through the window ahana saw a ghost which was dancing....... when she told me i screamed like anything....... when the waiter told us that it was their owners dhoti we had a loud laugh and went back to sleep........
i can never forget this one..........
do you have any share it with me.........

2007-08-14 19:04:31 · 9 answers · asked by cool teen..08$$ 2

A woman walks into a super market and says.
"I need monkey food, A yellow hat, & some paints." When the man looks at her funny she says," I'm serious. You see I've just found__________!!!"


Fill in the blanks. First one to make me laugh gets best answer.( Don't make it crude)

2007-08-14 18:39:27 · 13 answers · asked by Kaysha 2

That you would take to the check out counter to buy, and the clerk would think your a nutcase??

Example: A gold fish, tartar sauce. and a blowtorch.

2007-08-14 18:21:55 · 19 answers · asked by Sweety 1

2007-08-14 17:45:03 · 8 answers · asked by dennis b 1

2007-08-14 17:40:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-14 17:33:45 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is Hitler's favorite color?
Why the sky is blue or pink?
Why is my underwear is dirty?
What is two plus two?
Guess what are the colors of my eyes are?
Guess what color is my underwear please?
Why are mexicans are addicited to coke a cola(coke)?
What is borat's e-mail?
What is the color of Borat's underwear?
Where is Greek?
Are you a Macoroni?
Who loves Italy?
Why people hate france?
Why people do drugs?
Am I Pregant?
What is the color of my pantys?
What is the color of my bra?
What is the color of Borat's bra?
Does Borat wears tampons?
What is infanity plus an infanity subtract underwear divided by Playboy bunnies?
Who knows how to say "Fudge" in Pig Latin?
What does "merci Borat per the underwear" means in English?
Where is Caicos Turkey?
Who is Anti-Jewish Italianist?
Who Worship God and Jesus?
Rock and Roll McDonalds songs are being played at Mcdonalds?

2007-08-14 17:26:16 · 13 answers · asked by ? 4

( how do u catch a POLAR BEAR )

cut a hole in the ice. and then you put peas around the hole.
then u hide and wait 4 the bear 2 come. so then when the bear comes 2 pee you kick em in THE ICE HOLE!

2007-08-14 17:11:12 · 11 answers · asked by MysteryChica 2

2007-08-14 17:01:35 · 19 answers · asked by samy 3

A husband and wife are driving down the road in the country. They are having a heated agruement about who is right and who is wrong. The husband stopped in front of a barn where they were some pigs and othe farm animals and said to his wife "oh, is this your family"? To this the wife replied "Yes, my in laws."

2007-08-14 16:55:59 · 16 answers · asked by RAW DIVA™ 5

http://hometown.aol.com/rufflife3628127/images/ugly%20girl.jpg

2007-08-14 16:45:16 · 7 answers · asked by bonitagirl1014 1

ok, this is my question... it really is a question directed at mc hammer. so here it goes, Mr. Hammer:
why can't i touch "this"?
well what are you too good for direct human contact or what? or is it that possibly your an alien!! yes i said it, your bald head ain't fooling anyone. so i conclude saying, why can't i touch "this"?

2007-08-14 16:20:17 · 30 answers · asked by RiCARD0 1

I'm picking the one that makes me laugh hardest! and please try to keep em clean I don't laugh at crude things :)

2007-08-14 15:47:44 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Believe it or not there is an answer!

I think I am pregnant. I am a male, and I am not sexually active. What can it be?

For those who nail it or get close to the answer, I will email you and let you know you did so. This is not a gay thing!! You have to use logics and didactic reasoning.

2007-08-14 15:36:02 · 12 answers · asked by Richard S 4

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