Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him.
So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly
every man on the ship," his wife reported. The disheartened man then
rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. "How so?" the encouraged man asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

2007-08-13 22:57:44 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Rhinoceros went over to a Giraffe to introduce himself,

"Hi, I'm Neil" He said

"Gosh, Not Rhino Neil"

2007-08-13 21:58:41 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

He may round house kick me in the face, but if you closely check out his most resent infomercial, all the symptoms are there.

2007-08-13 21:45:48 · 2 answers · asked by william v 5

visit the Sahara when the car broke down.Just when they had given up hope of survivin they find a lamp.Bush & Cheney were 2 high class to rub the lamp but the blonde dint care.She rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out."You have found me after 5,000 years of being stuck in the desert and I can grant you one wish,"said the Genie,"however,your wish can not be for me to transport you out of the desert."Pres. Bush thought a few seconds and said that he wished that the people from his country thought better of him.Poof the polls rose 1%.Dick Cheney thought a second and asked for a jeep so they could get out of the desert faster.Poof a Jeep appeared but the tank was empty.Now, the blond thought about her wish for a long time and then said I would like a dime.The Genie was mystified but asked no questions.Poof a dime appeared.
"why did you waste a wish on a dime?" her companions ask."My mother always said if stuck with a dirty dick and bush to hold a dime between my knees."

2007-08-13 21:21:48 · 4 answers · asked by Mr. Nobody 5

A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says,
"what do you mean almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together
but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and
then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you
said it was the same as putting it in!"

2007-08-13 20:17:44 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Look what the cat dragged in."

Mine is "Look at what the cat refused to drag in." Heehee...

2007-08-13 20:02:13 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

so they have something to do in the afternoon

2007-08-13 19:35:40 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

who would be President?

2007-08-13 18:19:46 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

tough guys are'nt afraid of the dark

2007-08-13 18:00:23 · 5 answers · asked by Garfield 5

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife "Ya
know sumptin', womon, we have a wonderful new system at de Fire Station...
Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings, we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings, we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.

So from now on womon, when I say 'Bell one', I want you to strip naked.
When I say 'Bell two', you jump on de bed.
When I say 'Bell three', we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."

The next night he came home and shouted:
"Bell One!", and his wife stripped naked.
"Bell Two!", and she jumped on the bed.
"Bell Three!", and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out "Bell Four!".

"WOMON... What DA hell is 'Bell Four'?", he asked.

She replied
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DA FIRE!!!!"

2007-08-13 17:27:04 · 17 answers · asked by Bluelady... 7

So, my mom, my cousin Mel, my cousin Anna and I were sitting in the kitchen. Anna is 36 years old. Anyway, we were talking about global warming and Anna started laughing and she was like " it's not global warming it's global warning! There isn't a such thing as global warming". She was soo serious and positive. All of us busted out laughing, and we told her she was wrong. She argued with us for 10 minutes, and I showed her online what global warming was.

Ps. This is a true story, just thought I would share. Star if you like

2007-08-13 16:54:52 · 28 answers · asked by ♥ Nichole[never gives up]♥ 5

like Oh My God

2007-08-13 14:41:24 · 3 answers · asked by JFK fan--(Hug Brigade) 4

Why are there jerks on here??People like that make me sick!!!
I posted a question and instead of answering the question they insulted my typing :( I am so mad because the only reason I typed like that was because I was in a rush I really type like this.I really don`t like people who try to judge people if they don`t kn0w them.They was also trying to call me retarted because they didn`t understand my question.I was trying to ask why do they make blonde jokes its mean and are they really that retarded because I see this joke on the internet and it insulted me even thought I am not a blonde here it is.BUT I WANT YOU TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION: have you ever wanted to give people a peice of your mind on here because they gave you a REALLY hard time and was acting really snobby like they OWN yahoo answers?






HERES THE JOKE


Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

2007-08-13 14:37:43 · 9 answers · asked by CAN i GET A LiL BiT 0F L.O.V.E ♥ 1

A wife and husband are in bed, and the man gets a little h*rny so says to his wife "washing machine" (which is their secret word for sex).She says "Not tonight babe, i have a headache". So they both go to sleep.In the morning the lady is h*rny so she says to the man "you still want washing machine?" to which he replies, "no thanks love, i only had a half load so i did it by hand".

2007-08-13 14:36:56 · 13 answers · asked by emnie 2

Two men dressed in pilot uniforms and wearing dark glasses board a passenger jet. One of the men is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way onto the plane with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the pilots make their way into the cockpit. The door closes. A moment later the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for a sign that it's all just a joke.

The plane begins to roll foward and quickly accelerates down the tarmac. The people sitting in the window seats begin to realize they're not getting airborne.

It begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water at the end of the runway. Panicked screams fill the cabin! Then, suddenly the plane lifts into the air. The passengers relax and breathe heavy sighs of relief and laugh sheepishly. They soon retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

2007-08-13 14:05:45 · 34 answers · asked by Bored 5

Count all the ones that you remember- not the ones you were told about!

Ratings at the bottom Blackjack chewing gum

Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
Candy cigarettes
Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Party lines
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Flyers
Butch wax
Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
Peashooters
Howdy Doody
45 RPM records
S&H Green Stamps
Hi-fi's
Metal ice trays with lever
Mimeograph paper
Blue flashbulb
Packards
Roller skate keys
Cork popguns
Drive-ins
Studebakers
Wash tub wringers
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

2007-08-13 13:23:19 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-13 13:02:24 · 7 answers · asked by tisa 2

2007-08-13 12:59:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-13 12:44:01 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

2007-08-13 12:07:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, " Hey you looks just like me!"

The other man agrees and asks, "Where are you from?"

The first guy answers, " chicago "

"Me too" says the second guy, " what street do you live on? "

" forty-Ninth Street " , answers the firsts guy

" Me too" , Says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. " whats your address?"

"951"

" Me too! Wow this is incredible! What are your parents names?"

" John and Cathy" , says the first guy.

'" ME TOO" shouts the second guy, " I wonder if we're related?"

Meanwhile, the bartenders, are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new.

" no", says the first bartender , " just the Smith twins, drunk again"

2007-08-13 12:06:57 · 5 answers · asked by crash0135 2

when you post your joke, you get a few similar questions. please look at those questions and you may find that your joke was recently posted. if it was not recently posted, then post away!!!!!!




10 points to who ever i like the most!!!!

2007-08-13 11:55:56 · 8 answers · asked by edawg2362 2

a guy dies and goes to heaven,he sees 2 signs ,men who were henpecked by there wives,men who were not,millions and millions behind the sign men who were,only one behind the sign men who were not,cunfused he asked the man hey cant figure this out,millions and millions of men behind the sign men who were and only you behind the sign men who were not,how can that be,

simple my wife told me to stand here.

2007-08-13 11:41:29 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer went to the market to buy some new animals. He looked all day but couldn't find anything he didn't already have.
Finally at the end of the day he spied a Zebra.
Wow, he thought I must have that animal on my farm so off he went home with it. The Zebra didn't really know what was expected of her at the farm and tried asking the other animals.
First she saw a pig and went over to chat "hey piggy, what do you do here?"
"Wellll" said the pig "I just kinda wait around and eat and roll in the mud".
Hmmmm, thought the Zebra, that doesn't sound very exciting. Next she noticed a cow in the field. "what do you do here moo cow?" The cow looked the zebra up and down and said "I just eat grass and chew my cud and look at the sky all day". Hmmmmm, that doesn't sound like much fun either thought the Zebra. Suddenly, wow!
The Zebra saw a beautiful stallion and raced over to speak to him.
"Hiya horsey! What do you do here?" gasped the Zebra. "Well, came the answer, "take your pajamas off and I'll show you!

2007-08-13 11:10:41 · 16 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

One day while a blonde was driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious he went over to her car and slashed the tyres. The blonde started laughing. This made the man even angrier so he smashed her windscreen. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde was now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her "Whats so funny?". The blonde giggled and replied "When you weren't looking. I stepped out of the circle three times!"

2007-08-13 11:06:45 · 25 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Two male pensioners visit a brothel. The woman in charge instructs the girls to just take their money and give em a blow up doll each as she didnt think they would notice the difference. Both the men were placed in semi-darkened rooms with blow up dolls.
Afterwards one of the men said to the other "I think my girl was dead, she never moved or moaned the whole time" The second guy said "I think mine was a vampire, I gave her a love bite and she flew out the window!"

2007-08-13 11:01:58 · 6 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

2007-08-13 10:40:47 · 7 answers · asked by RAW DIVA™ 5

Three dead bodies in the mortuary - all with big smiles on their faces. Coroner explains that the 1st body is a Frenchman, aged 60 who died of heart failure while making love to two of his misstresses.

The 2nd body - a Scotsman who won the lottery and died of alcohol poisoning.

The third body - the most unusual of the three - was Seamus Quinn from Donegal, struck by lightning! He's smiling because he thought he was having his photo taken.

2007-08-13 10:38:11 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-13 10:22:09 · 54 answers · asked by Anonymous

when the music stops, she dies.. what am i?

2007-08-13 10:03:01 · 12 answers · asked by RuG™ 3