Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

the dad says billy if u dont keep masturbating you'll go blind...
then the boy sais but dad im over here

2007-08-12 15:28:37 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok so there three men stranded in the middle of no where and there car broke down. there was an american a cuban and a porter rican. so the american says, " Ok, now each of us must take some thing that we need to survive."
so the cuban says," I will take water because whithout water we cant live."
the american says," i will take food because with out food we cant live."
then the porter rican says," i will take the car door.
then the other two guy ask," why are you gonna take the car door?"
the porterican replies," because when it gets hot i can just roll down the window. :) :) :) :)

get it? plz give me some feed back.
to all my porterican people, much love and remember its good to laugh at yourselves

2007-08-12 14:58:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A treasure hunter strayed from his expetition of the deepest darkest jungle , to look around for a rumoured lost tribe (capula tribious) that idolises three gold balls... after serveral days searching, he finds a clearing, in the centre is an idol where the 3 golden balls are displayed in a triangle pattern..
He looks around see's that the coast is clear moves closer, picks 1 up (guesses the weight is 7lbs) he can carry all three so after another quick glance around, pick's them up and runs quickly but causiously across the clearing... after about 5 mins he comes across a trail, so he follows it .
Then he hears a weirdest cry from the distance behind him, guesses that someone has discovered the balls missing , suddenly comes across a bridge, an old rope bridge, next to it a sign says caution this bridge is unsafe will only take 160lb's he knows he weighs 145lb's but he hasn't got time to get across the bridge twice to take the balls...

How does he does get across in one trip...?

2007-08-12 14:06:55 · 12 answers · asked by Paul C 1

Man and woman on an overnight train, somehow got assigned the same sleeping compartment. After some initial embarassment, they manage to get into their sleeping attire and get into separate berths. After a while, the woman says "I'm cold, could you give me a blanket?"

Man looks down from the upper berth and says "I have an idea. How about we pretend we're married for the night?"

Woman thinks a moment and giggles, then says "Alright."

Man says "Good. Get your own damn blanket."

2007-08-12 13:17:09 · 10 answers · asked by open4one 7

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar.
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your ******* hands, I want a cheese sandwich.

2007-08-12 12:45:34 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill, Harry, and Dick go to a magic mountain. What every the see first after they jump off is what they turn into.

Dick jumps off and sees an eagle so he turns into an eagle.

Harry jumps off and sees a hawk so he turns into a hawk.

Bill jumps off and he sees Harry and Dick.

2007-08-12 12:37:49 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

will be about what you did in the summer, and if you have a good story you can have a chocolate (candy) bar from the box. so she says susan tell me what you did in the summer hols, and susan says please miss i went to the seaside with mummy and daddy and had a good time and played in the sea. the teachers says well done susan, and if you can spell sea you can have a chocolate bar. so susan says S E A . teacher gives her a chocolate bar
next teacher says to john, what did you do. so john says please miss i went to the fair with daddy and went on the rides it was great. teacher says ok john if you can spell fair you can have a chocolate bar, so john says F A I R , so teacher gives im a bar.
next teacher says to mohammed, what did you do, and mohammed says nothing miss, no one would play with me cos im a muslim. teacher says thats disgraceful, that is unprovoked racial discrimination, and if you can spell unprovoked racial discrimination , you can have a chocolate bar !!!!!

2007-08-12 12:20:57 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Redneck died and left his entire estate in trust for his widow however she can't touch it till she turns 14

2007-08-12 12:13:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

• Your bookmarks takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

• All of your friends have an @ in their names.

• You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Excite.

• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

• Your phone bill is delivered in a box.

• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

• The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

• You forget what year it is.

• You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

2007-08-12 12:06:00 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

padyy weigh's 20 st so his doc put's him on a diet "i want you to eat regularly for 2 day's,then skip a day repeat this for 2 wk's you should loose 5lb", when paddy returned he shocked the doc by havin lost 4st."that's amazing the doc said".... paddy nodded......" i'll tell you by jesus, i taut i was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day ,"..."what from hunger said the doc?"...no from the f***in skippin!!!!".....

2007-08-12 10:49:15 · 26 answers · asked by mightymum8 1

3 fellas go into an electric shop to buy a TV

On entering they see exactly what they're looking for, and it's cheap, £30!

They all chip in £10 each and pay the man at the cash register.

Just as they're exiting the man behind the register comes shouting after them "Hi, I just remembered that television has been discounted and it's only £25..".

The fellas are pleased about the discount and the guy hands them £1 each. In return they say "Sure just you keep the £2 yourself, cheers!"

When you add that up
£30
-£1
-£1
-£1
-£2

Means the fellas all paid £9 each + the £2 they gave to the shop assistant.

Add that up 3 * £9 = £27 + £2 = £29

Where did the other £1 go??

2007-08-12 10:43:55 · 8 answers · asked by NiceFella 1

A man and a woman were dating.

She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game.

For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get hlep," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies:

"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

2007-08-12 09:39:22 · 2 answers · asked by Wendie 6

this is a riddle i have never figured out
what food does not have a good combination with cheese and chocolate.
It has to be a food.
not a drink or a condoment

2007-08-12 09:04:33 · 9 answers · asked by Enrique N 3

to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?



Because those men already have boyfriends!!!!

2007-08-12 08:54:29 · 55 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay so a guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school.Unfortunately,he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9yearsold.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.Theyhave bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is alreadyasleepon the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.As youmight expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tellshisgirlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" ifshewants a new position.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!! She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!PULL IT OUT!!!PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop makingsandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over myface!*!*!*!*!

2007-08-12 08:38:13 · 14 answers · asked by jellybean 3

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face.
Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said quietly.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."
But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her hand, squeezed it and sobbingly told her, "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he cried uncontrollably. "Why else would I poison you?"

2007-08-12 08:27:48 · 17 answers · asked by jellybean 3

The mccanns lawn

(they have been on holiday for so long)

LOL

2007-08-12 06:11:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: When are your eyes not eyes?
A: When the cold Arctic wind makes them water!

Q: What did the icy Arctic road say to the truck?
A: "Want to go for a spin?"

Q: What do you use to catch an Arctic hare?
A: A hare net!

Q: What do Arctic hares use to keep their fur lookin' spiffy?
A: Hare spray!

Q: What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A: A receding hare line.

Q: Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean?
A: They're both below C level!

Q: What are caribou calves given to wear?
A: Hoof-me-downs.

Q: If it's zero degrees outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
A: ?????

Explorer on radio to bush pilot: "What is your height and position?"
Bush pilot: "I'm six feet tall and sitting at the front of the plane."


STAR if funny

2007-08-12 04:50:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall?
A: "Dam!"

Q: What do women use to stay young looking in the Arctic?
A: Cold cream.

Q: Why was the Saami herder given an umbrella?
A: Because of the rain, dear.

Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
A: I have no eye deer.

Q: What did one Arctic murre say to the other?
A: "What? We flew 2000 miles for THIS?!"

Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids!

Q: What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
A: "Where were you on the night of September to March?"
( See our Guide to Arctic Sunrise and Sunset )

Q: What noise wakes you up at the North Pole around March 18?
A: The crack of dawn! ( Guide to Arctic Sunrise and Sunset )

Q: If you live in an igloo, what's the worst thing about global warming?
A: No privacy!

Q: What did the walrus say when it was late?
A: "I would have been here sooner, but my iceberg hit a ship."



STAR if funny

2007-08-12 04:48:02 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Any one know any good jokes? Any kind goes the funniest gets best answer

2007-08-12 04:24:50 · 7 answers · asked by rizyq 3

2007-08-12 03:28:49 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-12 03:03:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

2007-08-12 03:00:13 · 16 answers · asked by ◄Rainy~♥~Rain► 3

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual, sensual manner..
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped
and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was quite aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

2007-08-12 02:25:59 · 9 answers · asked by Cherie 6

Texas Crazy Law
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.


A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.


The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.


When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.


It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.


You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.


A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.


It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.


It is illegal to milk another person's cow.

2007-08-11 20:24:15 · 12 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

What just happened here?
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

2007-08-11 20:23:02 · 10 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

I really do not know sometimes when can I joke with somebody! What is the best time?

2007-08-11 19:15:55 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bernard the Dog is a very intelligent pet. It knows how to count... sort of.

When you say "one", it stomps its paw one time. When you say "two", it does it twice. When you say "three", it stomps its paw three times.

After that, though, the stomps seemingly don't match up with what you say. When you say 4, it stomps twice. When you say 5, it stomps once. When you say 6, it stomps twice. When you say 7, it stomps 3 times. When you say 8, it stomps 4 times. When you say 9, it stomps twice, and when you say 10, it only stomps once.

When you say 15, it stomps twice, and when you say 20, it also stomps twice.

How many times will it stomp its paw when you say "33"?

2007-08-11 17:21:12 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The first person to answer the the riddle first (right) gets the ten points!

A car's odometer shows 72927 miles, a palindromic number. What are the minimum miles you would need to travel to form another?

(a palindrome can be read both forwards and backwards, like "Kayak")


Good luck, everyone!

2007-08-11 16:49:15 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

2007-08-11 16:18:47 · 53 answers · asked by Jlm099 2