Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.

The placement of a donkey's eyes in its' heads enables it to see all four feet at all times!

The six official languages of the United Nations are: English, French, Arabic, Chinese, Russian and Spanish.

Earth is the only planet not named after a god.

It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA.

You're born with 300 bones, but by the time you become an adult, you only have 206.

Some worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food!

Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open

STAR if you like them

2007-08-10 20:23:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.

Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren’t added to it.

On average a hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute.

More people are killed each year from bees than from snakes.

The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words.

More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food.

STAR if you like them

2007-08-10 20:21:59 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The first known transfusion of blood was performed as early as 1667, when Jean-Baptiste, transfused two pints of blood from a sheep to a young man

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!

The present population of 5 billion plus people of the world is predicted to become 15 billion by 2080.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian, and had only ONE testicle.
STAR if you like them

2007-08-10 20:20:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Horatio Nelson, one of England's most illustrious admirals was throughout his life, never able to find a cure for his sea-sickness.

The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is present at all important meetings of the University of London

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, everytime you breathe!

The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump!

One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet!

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different!

STAR if you like them

2007-08-10 20:19:33 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.

In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child

A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off!

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath

There is a city called Rome on every continent.

It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland!

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!

STAR if you like them

2007-08-10 20:18:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.
Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon.

Of all the words in the English language, the word 'set' has the most definitions!

What is called a "French kiss" in the English speaking world is known as an "English kiss" in France.

"Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.
STAR if you like them

2007-08-10 20:16:52 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine waterpower.

2007-08-10 20:08:42 · 1 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

with his tumb and finger through the hole.

2007-08-10 20:04:26 · 1 answers · asked by jobees 6

Cheers and Have A Nice Weekend :)

2007-08-10 19:53:52 · 7 answers · asked by Larry L - Hi Everyone :D 6

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered
his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"
the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other
poor man hesitated, "You come with us, too."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said,"But sir, I also
have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car
as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied,"Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."

2007-08-10 16:50:23 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be
making pasta." So, uppa she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama,Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. "He'll take good care of you." So, uppa she went again.

When she got up in the bed room, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, ToTony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go up stairs and he'll take good care of you." So, uppa she went again.

2007-08-10 16:20:19 · 6 answers · asked by Sweety 3

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said,

"Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

2007-08-10 15:02:39 · 14 answers · asked by Muffy Sundance 2

♂▬!♀♪☺↕ ‼ ¶ §☻♥♣◘○◙↓∟↔▲▼

2007-08-10 14:19:56 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

That's right... I've just discovered it... Great Classical Hold Music!

<<<<<<<<<<< Much Love >>>>>>>>>>>

2007-08-10 14:11:10 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a teacher told her student's to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply.

When time was over she called Little Johnny.

He said, "This is the process of having sex. First you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply.

2007-08-10 13:56:08 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

"the world's hardest riddle"

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the correct answer?

2007-08-10 13:47:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman shoots her husband, then five minutes later she holds him under water for five minutes, then finally she hangs him. But afterward they go out together and enjoy a nice dinner together.....hmmm. What happened?

2007-08-10 13:17:10 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy went to a carnival one day and went to a booth. The man at the booth said:
"if i write down your exact wieght, then you have to pay me $50. But if can't, then i will pay you $50."
the bay didn't see a scale anywhere, so he agreed. In the end, the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man do it???

2007-08-10 13:06:28 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

needs to stop him. The Priest says little boy, do you see this bottle of Holy water? Well I just came from the Jones's where Mrs Jones was having trouble delivering her new baby. I said a prayer, sprinkeled some Holy Water on her stomach; and she passed her baby. Johniie looks up and says Father that's nothing... I put a drop of this battery acid on a cat's rear end and it pased a motorcycle!!!!

2007-08-10 12:54:07 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

the other day i went into the woods with this girl.she said"im scared".

i said "you're scared?i have to walk out of hear by myself"

2007-08-10 12:09:56 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed you neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he's gay, thinks you're cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

2007-08-10 11:46:40 · 12 answers · asked by philisopheyes 3

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

STAR if funny

2007-08-10 10:20:41 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

you walk into a cave and you come up to two glass containers.
-One says, break glass to get wrench.
-The other says, use rock to break glass to get wrench to break glass to get rock.
What do you use first?
(why are you in a cave, we all don't care)

2007-08-10 10:13:49 · 11 answers · asked by Ms* Shae* 3

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
STAR if funny

2007-08-10 10:12:21 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just asked a question "Is this MySpace?"-"where am i?" and everyone took it seriously. some calling me stupid.
i was expecting some funny answers. i didnt think anyone would take it seriously. geez.

2007-08-10 10:05:13 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”

The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock.” The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers, continue reading….

…
…
…
…
…
…

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

Moral of the story: Women think they’re so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!

2007-08-10 09:59:28 · 13 answers · asked by U1S2K3O4 2

if i drop a cicken and a pigeon which one will hit the ground first?

a police fined a boy for speeding, but why did the police end up paying the fine?

i jumped off the empire state building with nothing but the clothes on my back and i survive, how is this possible?

and this is for all harry potter fans!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what was the deathly hallows? (full name please,eg owl won't do, you would hav to say blind owl.)and please owl is not one of the deathly hallows.

2007-08-10 09:49:37 · 5 answers · asked by Mickey 2

A man visits his GP with a delicate matter, he says, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"Well that's a big decision," says the doctor, "Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Oh yes," says the man, "They're in favour 15 to 7."

2007-08-10 09:31:18 · 22 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

2007-08-10 09:26:18 · 9 answers · asked by ? 4

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of world capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of London?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: L."

There was 3 ladies on an island 1 blonde 1 brunette and a red-head. The city where they wanted to be was 20 miles away with sea between the the island and the city. The red-head swam 4 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the brunette swam 10 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the blonde swam 19 miles, got tired, and swam back!!

STAR if funny

2007-08-10 09:25:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous