Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

Experts say that although Frank Sinatra is dead, his act is still 150% more entertaining than Frank Sinatra Jr.'s.


WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!




What is the difference between a whore, a nimpho, and a blonde?

The whore says, "Aren't you done yet?" , The nimpho says, "Are you done ALREADY?" And the blonde says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the celling beige..."




What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?

The 1987 World Hide and Seek Champion.





While in Birmingham, England, President Clinton saluted Frank Sinatra, saying the singer and entertainer "really did do it his way''...




This new drug Viagra takes the concept of recreational drugs to a whole new level, doesn't it?


Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.




Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?

To see what was on the other side.

2007-08-10 00:46:30 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

2007-08-09 22:46:17 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."

2007-08-09 20:20:49 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

So this old man turns 98. It is a big thing in the small town where he lives and all the local reporters come to interview him.

One of the reporters ask him - " what is the secret of your longevity?"

The old man replies, " I never argue."

The reporter is not convinced and asks, " but surely there has to be some other thing to it?"

The old man replies, " Maybe you are right."





Star if you liked the joke :-)

2007-08-09 19:55:47 · 14 answers · asked by AJ 4

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

2007-08-09 19:43:34 · 7 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

When people say this, what does it really mean? I mean, what determines how happy a clam is, or if it's happy at all? And why a clam? Why not happy as a puppy or happy as a duck? I don't really get it...but I suppose it's one of the many mysteries of the world. Hmm...I wonder if I have a tad bit too much time on my hands to think about these things...

2007-08-09 19:21:39 · 12 answers · asked by Dani Marie 3

2007-08-09 18:55:47 · 26 answers · asked by jobees 6

a milk dud

2007-08-09 15:33:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Out come the tools from the Spanish Inquisition
Sit back, relax, open, assume the position
I slither down the chair hoping for a distraction
But they are wise and planned for this action

Door is shut and sealed for an atomic explosion
This won't hurt as he aims a 3 foot shot in motion
I pull the bib over my face and pray for salvation
But it is futile, I am destined for this invasion

Ears shudder from the sound of a drilling repetition
I clench the chair's arms and hope for a short duration
He smiles and says it's a minor modification
I have learned he is full of constipation

There there, that wasn't so bad is his exclamation
For who I ask in retalliation
See you next week at our usual visitation
As I leave, I let out the air in his means of transportation

© 2007 Margaret Mitchell

2007-08-09 15:28:21 · 5 answers · asked by Marguerite 7

My Indian born IT professor told this joke the other day and I started cracking up, I don't think he knew what he was saying:

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.“

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.“ Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.“ The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you jews are all the same, you ruin everything."

2007-08-09 14:25:09 · 12 answers · asked by ben12855 2

3 men order 3 pizzas for $30. they pay the delivery man and he leaves. the delivery man realizes the pizzas should have been $25 and decides to give the money back. but the men didnt tip him so he keeps $2 for himself. he gives each man $1 back.

3 x 10 = 30 each mans payment
30 - 5 = 25 $5over charged
25 + 2 = 27 tip delivery man kept
27 + 3 = 20 $3 given back to 3 men
so now each man has paid $9 for each pizza.
9 x 3 = 27
27 + 2 = 29 total plus "tip"
where did the extra dollar go?

2007-08-09 12:28:48 · 9 answers · asked by hilori 2

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane.

The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"

The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, b i t c h?"

2007-08-09 12:27:17 · 11 answers · asked by "!" 5

A few days before his proctological examination, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. Since he appeared to suffer no ill effects, he forgot all about it.
So he kept his appointment and, once inside the doctor's office, he undressed and bent over as requested. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's a*s was the eye staring right back at him.
The doctor said: " You really have to learn to trust me."

2007-08-09 12:11:30 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does anyone know the answer to:

There is a bus with 7 girls inside,
Each girl has 7 bags,
Inside each bag, there are 7 Big cats,
Each Big cat has 7 small cats,
All cats have 4 Legs each!

Question: How many Legs are there inside the bus?

2007-08-09 12:07:42 · 27 answers · asked by tz 4

The first one to answer these correctly will recive 10 pts!

Riddle-Two dogs are sitting on a porch - a fat dog and a thin dog.
The little dog is the son of the fat dog, but the fat dog is not the father of the thin dog.

Can you explain?


Riddle-I have keys that open no locks,
I have space, but you cannot fill it,
You can enter, but you cannot leave.

What am I?


Riddle-A cowboy rides into town on Friday.
He stays three days, then leaves on Friday.

How does he do it?


Goodluck!

2007-08-09 11:49:52 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-09 11:41:50 · 1 answers · asked by ammonstracy 1

from the classic crime - we all look elswhere

2007-08-09 11:33:58 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

how can an empty room be so loud? first one to get it right gets 10 points!

2007-08-09 11:30:14 · 10 answers · asked by ~I Am A Million Pieces Of The Sky 4

A couple had been trying for children for many years without any luck. One day their parish preist told them that he was going to Rome for five years but that while he was there he would pray everyday for them and keep a lighted candle in St.Peter's.
So a few years went by and eventually the priest returned home. He went round to see the couple and as he walked up the garden path, he spotted a pair of twins playing on a swing. As the door of the house opened, he saw the poor harassed woman, heavily pregnant, with two small babies in her arms.

"Why Father!" she exclaimed, "we didn't know you'd returned."

"Yes, a week ago," he replied, "and I thought I'd come round to see how you are. I see you've been blessed with children. "Where's your husband?"

"He's gone to Rome," she replied, "to blow out that blo*dy candle!"

2007-08-09 10:49:23 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Up the hill there is a mill.
Around the mill there is a walk.
Under the walk is a key.

oh and this riddle spells something

2007-08-09 10:42:40 · 5 answers · asked by SYN 2

Some say i fly,
and within me all will eventually die,
until i'm measured, i am not known,
but you will miss me when i've flown.

I can build a building, or tear it down. I can make you blind, or help you see. I am bigger than all the oceans, but I can fit in the palm of your hand. What am I?

2007-08-09 10:28:13 · 5 answers · asked by ღAngelic Smileღ 1

What goes up and never come down!?

2007-08-09 09:55:31 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-09 09:02:14 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 Signs You Know You Are Broke

We’ve all been there, being so broke that at Christmas all you could exchange were glances. Stuff like that you remember a lifetime. Just in case you don’t know if you’re broke, here are some ways to tell…

- At KFC you lick other people’s fingers.
- If you wanted to rub two nickels together you’d have to borrow one.
- At communion you go back for seconds.
- You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
- You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
- Long distance companies don’t call you to switch.
- If you stopped on a dime, you’d probably owe it to someone.
- McDonald’s is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.
- Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
- You give blood everyday… just for the orange juice and cookie.

2007-08-09 08:58:04 · 25 answers · asked by the questioner 2

Pick which one u like better!

1.Peanut Butter or Jelly
2.Cats or Doga
3. White or Black (not racial i mean colors like red and blue)
4.Hot or cold
5.tall or short
6.Knight or princess/prince.
7.late or early.
8.night or day
9.rainy day or sunny day
10.thunder or lightening.
11.Popular or unpopular
12.weird or crazy

2007-08-09 08:34:34 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walked by a rail road track and saw a redhead jumping up and down on it shouting 38...38...38... and the blonde joins in but as a train came the red head jumped off
the train flattened the blonde.
The red head got back on and started shouting 39...39...39.....

2007-08-09 08:31:27 · 11 answers · asked by ask me a 3

Thanks and have a nice week ahead.

Cheers :)

2007-08-09 08:18:36 · 8 answers · asked by Larry L - Hi Everyone :D 6

It's a joke...asians/cigarettes... not my joke..not my thoughts... not my idea.. wouldn't be funny if i said brits or americans.

2007-08-09 07:42:25 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is found lying dead, face down in the middle of the desert.

He is wearing a backpack.

His ribs are crushed.

The post mortem shows that he died, suddenly, 2 months ago.

Yet no one has crossed the dessert for 3 months.

What happened?

FIRST ONE TO ANSWER CORRECTLY GETS 10 POINTS!!!

2007-08-09 07:42:23 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

WhAt Is BrOkEn EvErYtImE iTs SpOkEn?(part of the challenge was just reading that lol)

2007-08-09 07:39:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous