Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

1. PAWALKRK

2. ME1111111

3. LAL

4. MCE MCE MCE

5. FAMILYYYYYYY

6. IFLAND IFIFC

7. ICE X ICE X ICE

8. 9S2A5F4E1T8Y6

9. ABCDEFGHJMOPQRSTUVWXYZ

10. O) O) O) O) O)

11. GO IT IT IT IT

12. DAY L8 DOLLA

Have fun and enjoy! And as always...first correct or most correct gets 10! :D

2007-08-08 09:57:50 · 14 answers · asked by Reba W 4

don't threaten to burn my house down if you don't like it - it's only an attempt to help people laugh!

A New York lawyer runs a stop sign in rural Texas - wouldn't you know, there's a county sheriff right there. The lawyer knows that he can squeeze out of this - he's a lawyer and he's from New York!
Deputy: License and regristration please.

Lawyer: What for? Why am I being stopped?

D: You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.

L: I slowed down, nobody was coming, so I went on ahead.

D: You didn't come to a complete stop. License and regristration please.

L: If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down and stop' versus 'stop', you give me the ticket.

D: OK sir, that's fair enough. Please exit your vehicle, sir.

The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the humanity out of the lawyer and says: Do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?

2007-08-08 09:51:47 · 22 answers · asked by Pete W 5

One beautiful sunny Sunday morning a preacher woke up. He decided he was going to skip church. “I’ve been preaching 2 sermons every week for 15 years, I deserve 1 day of vacation” he reasoned. So he called the assistant pastor and told a white lie “I’m felling very sick, you’ll have to give the sermon this morning, its typed and on my desk, you’ll do fine.”

The preacher decided to spend his ill-gotten day off on the golf course, so he drove to a course 100 miles out of town, just to make sure nobody saw him.

God and Jesus were looking down, very disappointed with the preacher. Jesus asked God “Are you going to let him get away with this? Do something about it.”

Meanwhile, the preacher hit his first tee shot, it bounced off a rock and up onto the green only a foot from the pin. One easy putt later he recorded an eagle. On the next hole, a par 3, he made a hole in one.

...

2007-08-08 09:48:54 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ever see them women that carry them hugh jugs of water on their heads.


Could you carry those jugs of water for miles?

2007-08-08 09:48:05 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hotshot lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"


Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

2007-08-08 09:27:52 · 5 answers · asked by Nola 3

ok there was cliff and there was 1 burentte and 3 blonds they were all hanging off the cliff on a rope they all said there is to much weight on here someone needs let go well the burentte said i will so she made this hole big long speech everything and the blonds started clapping they all fell off besides the burentte...

they let go of the rope.....

2007-08-08 08:52:08 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus were on a bridge. Below the bridge was an ocean. They all jumped off, who made the biggest splash.



Answer: The dumb blonde, the other two don't exist.


LOL. :)

2007-08-08 08:41:56 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blonde and brunette walk in an elevator together and a cute guy walks in
but the problem is that he has really bad dandruff
so as he walk out the brunette giggles and says he cute but has bad dandruff
and then says she needs to give him some head and shoulders
the blonde looks up at her and says it's a great idea but then she says "how do you give him shoulders though?"

2007-08-08 08:41:29 · 25 answers · asked by Igneus 1

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."


Previously on Miss Cellania: Alien Abduction and Crop Circles.

2007-08-08 08:37:33 · 6 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

I made this up when i was a 4 year old.
Yo mamma is so stupid
She ate rice.
I told my friends when i was 5 they all started laughing.Why is it funny

2007-08-08 08:22:47 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support
employee. Now I know why they record these conversations!

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a
sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I
type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get
out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

2007-08-08 08:18:54 · 11 answers · asked by nothing 5

The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility .

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

2007-08-08 07:55:10 · 18 answers · asked by billyndave 1

Two guys were sitting outside a bar. One says to the other "Gosh it's hot, I sure could use a cold beer" The other guy said "Me too, but I only got a $1, and beer costs $2, how much you got?" The other guy said "Huh, I only got a $1 too, Wait, maybe we could split a beer, half for you nad half for me!" "Sounds good" So they get a beer and the first guy guzzles down the whole beer. "Hey! half that beer was for me" The other guy says "Sorry couldn't be helped, my half was on the bottom!"

2007-08-08 07:48:18 · 10 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top !!!!

2007-08-08 07:48:13 · 39 answers · asked by ... 3

this is a messed up joke someone told me, who else thinks its retarded.?
I DID NOT MAKE THIS. ITS RETARDED

there was a four story building and some one lived on each floor. on the top floor there was a guy that likes to juggle knives, below him was a guy that liked to pee out the window, below that was a guy that loves to paint stuff green, and below him a guy that loves pickles.
ok, the guy on the top floor was juggling knives and dropped one and it fell out the window while the guy below was peeing out the window so it cut his "thing" off, then the "thing" fell into the floor below and the green painter picked it up and painted it but then he relized it was a "thing" so he freeked out and dropped it out the window, the thing then falled into the lower floor and happen to land in the pickle jar while the guy was eating pickles so he ate it and said "mmm a new flavour"

i told u it was retarded.
i think its stupid

2007-08-08 07:44:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

????

2007-08-08 07:36:30 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Random Joke-Question!

2007-08-08 07:21:44 · 18 answers · asked by Psyche 3

A man walks into a petsmart and gets a bag aof dog food. When he gets to the register the lady behind him asked if he had a dog.
He siad "No."
She said "What's the dog food for then?"
"For my diet." he said
She asked "What diet?"
He said "The dog food diet, it's where you put the food in your pocket and whenever your hungry you eat some."
She asked "Did it work?"
He said "Yes, until the accident."
She asked "What accident."
He said "The car accident."
She said "Oh dear how did it happen?"
"I was sitting in the street licking my balls."
By now everyone in the checkout line is laughing and she is horrified.
Then he said "I have a golden retriever."

2007-08-08 07:10:12 · 12 answers · asked by funnygirll411 2

A man walks into a petsmart and gets a bag aof dog food. When he gets to the register the lady behind him asked if he had a dog.
He siad "No."
She said "What's the dog food for then?"
"For my diet." he said
She asked "What diet?"
He said "The dog food diet, it's where you put the food in your pocket and whenever your hungry you eat some."
She asked "Did it work?"
He said "Yes, until the accident."
She asked "What accident."
He said "The car accident."
She said "Oh dear how did it happen?"
"I was sitting in the street licking my balls."
By now everyone in the checkout line is laughing and she is horrified.
Then he said "I have a golden retriever."

2007-08-08 07:09:32 · 5 answers · asked by funnygirll411 2

What do the following words have in common:
banana,dresser,grammar,potato,revive,uneven,assess ?

2007-08-08 06:26:52 · 16 answers · asked by jayemess 4

2007-08-08 05:27:43 · 4 answers · asked by ỉη ץ٥ڵ 5

What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a Chia Pet?
Nobody gets upset if you stop watering the Chia.

What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a cell phone?
When the cell phone is dead you can plug it in again.

How does Terri Schiavo use the bathroom?
Depends.

What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a broken TV?
FOX News doesn't camp out on your lawn if you unplug the TV.

What is Terri Schiavo's favorite food?
Tube steak.

What is Terri Schiavo's favorite fun activity?
Tubing.

What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and Ted Williams?
Ted Williams is in the frozen section.

What is the worst part about eating a vegetable?
Putting Terri Schiavo's diaper back on!

What is the Florida state vegetable?
Terri Schiavo!

Why isn't Terri Schiavo watching all of her recent news coverage?
Nobody has turned on her tube in 6 days.

What's Terri Schiavo's favorite tv show?
Survivor!!!

Q: Did you hear MTV is making a show about Terri?

A: It’s called Unplugged.

Why do Terri’s parents love her so much?
Because she’s such a good listener.

2007-08-08 05:24:22 · 4 answers · asked by physical_graffiti402 2

a man goes into a resteraunt and orders abalone (a tropical bird) he takes his first bite then goes into he bathroom and kills himself. why...?

clues:
he was recently on a plane.
he is a widower.

i dont usually give clues on riddles i tell but this one is SUPER HARD!!!!

star if you cant figure it out and i will post the answer when i choose the best answer, that is...if no one figures it out.

ok
good luck

2007-08-08 04:48:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were 3 nuns who no longer wished to be nuns,for this reason they whent up to the head nun and said 'we dont whant to be nuns anymore" the head nun replied okay,go home and do something unholy and come back tommorrow the 3 nuns came back the next day and one by one the nun asked them "what did you do that was unholy?
the 1st nun replied 'I stole a bike from a child' the head nun replied go drink some holy warter and then turned to the next nun the 2nd nun replied 'I stole a packet of sweets from a shop. the head nun replied go drink some holy warter and then turned to the next nun the 3rd nun replied 'I peed in the holy water. was that funny?

2007-08-08 04:39:01 · 10 answers · asked by philip k 1

2007-08-08 04:28:25 · 7 answers · asked by Joe 6

Redneck farm hand



Redneck farm hand

A redneck farm hand radios back to his boss, the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta big problem here. I hit a pig with the pickup. The pig's ok but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of my pickup and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."

The manager says, "OK there's a 303 behind the seat, take it out and shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. "I did as you said, Boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on."

"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager.

"Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right front wheel."


"You still there Boss?"

2007-08-08 04:20:10 · 10 answers · asked by The Forgotten 6

Hold control and use the scroll on your mouse.

2007-08-08 04:17:29 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hon," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"

She replies, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at WalMart?"

2007-08-08 04:14:08 · 23 answers · asked by "!" 5

While on the operating table, she had a near death experience & the Creator appeared before her.

Seeing the Creator, she asked, "Dios mio, is my time up?" Dios said, "No mijita, you have another 43 years, 2 months & 8 days to live."

The Chicana decided to stay in the hospital & have the works done:

Face-lift, liposuction, chi-chi lift, nalga lift & pansa tuck.

She was all excited because she knew she had a long life ahead & wanted to look bien chingona!

After her final operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way to a taqueria, she was hit & killed by a bus.

Arriving in front of the Creator, she demanded, "Orale pues... que Paso? I thought you said I had another 40 years to go?

Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that pinche bus?"

The Creator replied, "Orale Chica, I didn't recognize you

2007-08-08 04:02:11 · 6 answers · asked by Feline05 5

Apple computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in womens breast implants.
The i-Tit will cost £499 or £599 depending on size. This is considered to be a major break through because women are always complaining about men looking at their breasts instead of listening to them.

2007-08-08 03:41:16 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous