Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world.

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him ... so he says he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet, The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.

A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.

"Ha!", the man says, "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I get its pyjamas off."

2007-08-08 02:13:00 · 16 answers · asked by "!" 5

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"

"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie."

2007-08-08 02:11:29 · 19 answers · asked by "!" 5

hey people! i got jokes ---i think you won't mind giving me a star if you like the jokes!:)
here they are:

1)Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
Class: At once!
2)Question: Do you know the time?
Answer: No, we haven't met yet!
3)Teacher: What is further away, Australia or the Moon?
Pupil: Australia, you can see the Moon at night!
4)Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!
5)Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
6)A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"
7)Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

2007-08-08 01:11:51 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman comes home and tells her husband "Remember those headaches I've been having? Well they are gone."
"No more headaches" said hubby "How"
His wife replies "My friend Maggie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror and repeat I do not have a headache, I do not have a Headache, I do not have a headache,...and it worked"
"Wonderful" said hubby
"Your sex drive is low" said the wife"Why dont you give it a try"
Reluctantly the husband agrees.
After the appointment he comes home rips off his clothes lays his wife on the bed and says "Dont move I'll be right back"
He returns and makes wild love to her like never before.
He then says "Dont move I'll be right back". When he returns he again makes wild love to her .
The wife sits up her head spinning and he says "Dont move I will be right back"
This time his wife follows him to the bathroom where she sees him in front of the mirror saying
"She's not my wife" "She's not my wife" "She's not my wife"

2007-08-08 00:30:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman who disrespects a mans authority.

2007-08-08 00:29:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Englishman has a very spicy dinner in one of the Indian Restaurant in UK .

Next morning he comes out of the toilet & says, "Now I understand why Indians use water.

Bloody tissue can catch fire""""""

2007-08-08 00:26:45 · 28 answers · asked by Babu S 1

Interviewar: what s ur qualification?
Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY....

2007-08-07 23:35:18 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 things in golf that sound really, err, dirty...


So golf is supposedly a gentleman’s game, eh? Here I show you why the gentlemen really prefer golf!
The 10 things in golf that sound really, err, dirty... Enjoy!

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

2007-08-07 22:47:22 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cheers and have a nice weekend :)

2007-08-07 22:42:19 · 12 answers · asked by Larry L - Hi Everyone :D 6

An elderly man is taking a stroll through the forest on a sunny afternoon. He is struck by the beauty around him and begins talking to God.

He is shocked when God replies, "I will answer three of your questions, my son."

Quickly the man blurts out,"How long is a day to you?"
"A million years on earth is but one day in heaven." God replies.

The man then asks, ""How much is money worth to you?"
God replies, "All of the gold on earth is worth less than a penny to me."

The man ponders these answers and then asks his final question. "Will you give me 1 million dollars?"

God answers, "Sure, just a second."

2007-08-07 22:16:22 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rod and Annette.

2007-08-07 22:11:44 · 15 answers · asked by bluenose 4

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"

2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......

5. Ask if you can see his gun.

6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.

7. Touch him.

8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.

9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

10. Refer to him by his first name.

11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

12. When he says no, cry.

13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.

17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"

18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.

19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."

20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.

2007-08-07 22:11:20 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things I've learned from my child Boys (honest)...
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh" it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

2007-08-07 22:10:53 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. What is the longest word in the dictionary? (A clue: The answer is the plural form of the word.)

2. I am a three digit number. My second digit is four times more than my third digit. My first digit is seven less than my second digit. What number am I?

3. Every day the man saw his dog ran into the woods. However, he noticed that the dog never ran more than halfway into the woods. Why?

4. A man kills his brother in plain sight of many people, and yet he will never be charged with murder or any other crime. Why not?

5. What can you hold without it ever using your arms or hands?

6. An island and the letter "t" have something in common. What is it?

7. Which side of a cow has the most hair?

8. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

2007-08-07 22:07:44 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last night i wanted you. needed you so badly that it hurt. i wanted to taste you. i wanted you in me so you could work your magic on me...but i couldnt find you. you stupid..PARACETAMOL! (got you thinking there didnt i .lol)

2007-08-07 22:03:09 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

imagine telling your children this as a nursery rhyme...

NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP
WITH THE BOY ACROSS THE STREET
WONT MY DADDY BE DISGUSTED
ONCE HE SEE'S MY CHERRY'S BUSTED
AND WONT MY MOMMY BE SURPRISED
WHEN SHE SEE'S MY BELLY RISE

or hey what about this one

There was a young man of Manhasset
Whose life seemed excessively placid.
One day, just for fun,
He raped an old nun,
And filled up her cervice with acid.

2007-08-07 17:52:24 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

here's a joke i found and thought was kind of funny..

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you f*** off, I'm trying to take a s**t"!

2007-08-07 16:36:19 · 10 answers · asked by Shontel 2

I have been thinking about wearing a diaper around the house when my girlfriend is around as a joke. Should I or not?

2007-08-07 16:31:49 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"
she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in
public places about our sex lives. "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell a " Mississippi'."
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

2007-08-07 15:21:57 · 13 answers · asked by blackfirescorpio05 3

Wanna find out?
Scroll on down!
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What is:

5+1?
8-2?
7-1?
4+2?
10-4?
*
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Quick! Think of a vegetable!
*
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It was carrot, right? If not, then you are part of the 2% people of the world who's mind does not think the same as the others!


Don't worry. mine isn't. I thought of brocolli.

2007-08-07 15:10:52 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
> > differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
> > thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and
> > women with their heart.
> >
> > FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
> > into bed.
> >
> > Well, the passion starts to heat up, we were all over each other and
> > just when I was ready to pound nails through two inch plywood she
> > looks up at me and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold
>
> > me."
> >
> > I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
> >
> > So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
> > hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
> > enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded
> > to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and
>
> > not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
> >
> > Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
> > sleep.
> >
> > The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
> > with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
>
> > big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
>
> > on several different very expensive outfits.
> > She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them
>
> > all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said
> > lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department
> > where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she
>
> > was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a
> > shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for
>
> > a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I
> > think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
> > was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
> > Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is
> > all dear, let's go to the cashier."
> >
> > I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
> > feel like it."
> >
> > Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
> > WHAT?"
> >
> > I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
> > You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
> > me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had
> > this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just
> > love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
> >
> > Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

2007-08-07 15:04:49 · 4 answers · asked by blackfirescorpio05 3

2007-08-07 15:03:02 · 16 answers · asked by an4 1

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "one, two, three, four, five, six, seven -- then there's you -- nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..."

2007-08-07 14:22:51 · 4 answers · asked by Mr. X 4

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother.

2007-08-07 14:20:38 · 5 answers · asked by Joe 1

what she was doing. the blond said it was keeping her alive. curiosity got the better of the hair dresser,she accidently knocked it out of the blonds hand. apologising she had to have a look before handing it back to the blond it said breathe in breathe out.

2007-08-07 14:11:58 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."

2007-08-07 14:04:53 · 6 answers · asked by Joe 1

a man in a bar is asked for a light by a stranger, he says"no" the stranger asks"why not" the man said "because if i give you a light you'll offer me a cigarette. we'll get talking, i'll buy you a drink,you'll buy me a drink. we'll buying each other drinks until closing time, i'll offer you back to my place. the wife will make us supper we'll have a couple of more drinks the wife will say i'll make up a bed in the spare room as it's late.the wife and i will go to sleep. you'll will sneak into my beautiful daughters bedroom, make love to her and make her pregnant and we wont see you ever again." the stranger says "i wont make your beautiful daughter pregnant and leave her" "i know says the man because i'm not going to give you a light.

2007-08-07 13:49:49 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

2007-08-07 13:30:39 · 8 answers · asked by Fission Chips 6

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"oh, she got fired too"

2007-08-07 13:29:16 · 4 answers · asked by Fission Chips 6

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked

"No," I don't wast e time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless wo man. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

2007-08-07 13:26:23 · 18 answers · asked by Fission Chips 6