Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

ok i just got on a team again and i was wondering if anyone had any pranks that i could do like in the dugout...ive already thought of gluing money to the cement and stuff on the dugout floor but i need more! just gimme all the ones u got and ill decide whether or not they're too harsh or ill get in trouble for it or what just plz help me out! thanx!...ooh and i need them pretty soon cuz i got practice on friday

2007-08-08 19:37:54 · 3 answers · asked by MonserMonser 2

Never stopping and always moving forward,
You can not see, taste, smell, hear, or touch me,
Yet you can feel my effects.
What am I?

2007-08-08 19:07:46 · 29 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

You are trapped in a cement room in the middle of the dessert. This room has no doors or windows. The only items in the room are a wooden table, a mirror, and a calendar hanging on the wall. How do you not only get out of the room, but survive in the dessert, and get out of the dessert.

*Just a warning: you guys may not like this one!

2007-08-08 18:18:46 · 5 answers · asked by Ash 4

Two woman both fiftyish-

1st woman: What did you do to your hair? It looks like a wig.

2nd woman: It is a wig.

1st woman: You'd never know it.

2007-08-08 16:46:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's that time of year to talke the annual test. Exercise of the brain is as important as the excercise of the muscles. The saying: "If you don't use it, you'll lose it" applies to the brain also, so.....
Take the quiz below and whoever answers the most questions right will win the 10 points. Then I will post the correct answers.

1) What do you put in a toaster?
2) Say 'silk' five times! Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?
3)If a red house is make from red bricks and a blue house is made form blue bricks and ablack house is make from black bricks then what is a green house made from?
4) /it's twenty years ago and a plane flying at 20,000 feet is over Germany. Remember Germany is divided into West, East Germany. Two engines fail before the pilot can land safely. He lands smack in the middle of the two countries. Where would you bury the survivors, East, West, or in the middle?
5) What smells bad when it is living but good when it is dead?

Good luck! :)

2007-08-08 16:22:41 · 23 answers · asked by trumpetkayspud 2

it has to long leaves on the back instead of the normal pennies and it says one cent in the middle what kind of penny is it and are they common?

2007-08-08 16:12:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Let's get really silly or clever, whatever. Please just make me smile again. IAccents could be important here to appreciate the joke - I'm from southern England UK, but I'll kick-off with some pretty awful ones - you must know some better ones than this:
Gardening: by Will Barrow
Fell Off a Cliff - by Eileen Dover
What Your Dog Would Like to do Most - by Nora Bone
How To Make Money - by Robin Banks

Come on, all you bright young sparks!
Please make me smile & have some fun making them up.

2007-08-08 16:12:50 · 5 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

(No offence 2 the BLONDES out there)
There is a dumb blonde speeding @ 100 mph and a dumb blonde cop stopes her and says "can i c u r licence and she looks through her purse andsays what does it look like and the cop says it is a rectangle and has u r pix on it so the speeder looks through her purse and finds a mirroor and gives it 2 the cop and the cop says i diddnt no u r a cop go on!



Bob and Jill r dead on the floor with blood,water and glass how did they die?




Bob and Jil were fish their tank broke



star if u like!
hope u liked!!!!!

2007-08-08 16:10:26 · 10 answers · asked by ♥♪♪♫Mimi♪♪♫♥ 3

Compound Sentences and Run-on Sentences. Rewrite the paragraph. Combine simple sentences into compound sentences, and separate run-on sentences.

Sometimes we hop in the car when we get restless. We just drive wherever we choose. It's fun and relaxing we laugh and forget about our problems. After a while we have gone far enough, we turn around and drive back home.

2007-08-08 16:07:18 · 2 answers · asked by beyth 2

So there is this blonde...She goes to the store and buys a canoe, some paddles and a big blue tarp. She goes to the park, spreads out the tarp, puts the canoe in and starts to paddle...Another blonde comes up to her and says "Its blondes like you that make us look stupid. If I knew how to swim, I would come out there and strangle you!"

stupid blonde joke...lol..

2007-08-08 15:50:08 · 12 answers · asked by classicrockfreak71687 2

Policeman: I'm sorry sonny, but you will need a permit to fish here.
Little boy: That's alright, Thanks. I'm doing alright with a worm.


Teacher: Alright Brenda, How many fingers do you have?
Brenda: I have 10 fingers.
Teacher: Now if you lost 4 fingers in an accident, what would you have??
Brenda(happily): No more piano lessons!

2007-08-08 15:40:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

First one to get this right wins 10 points!

A man and his son are in a car. The car crashes and they are both sent in different ambulances to different hospitals. The boy arrives to the operating room, but the doctor says "I can't operate on this boy, he's my son!" How is this possible and who is the doctor?

2007-08-08 15:33:37 · 15 answers · asked by Haley 2

You use foreskin divers!! (Four skin divers)

2007-08-08 14:40:46 · 8 answers · asked by Jim C 5

2007-08-08 14:09:44 · 15 answers · asked by Dan 3

1. CHIMADENA

2. DAYDAYOUT

3. CLUCKCLUCK QUACKQUACK

4. BOOK GOING

5. ME QUIT

6. REVIRD TAES

7. EVARELTO

8. STEP SPETS SPETS

9. THE RASINGINGIN

10. EMPLOY_ _ _T

Good luck and have fun! :D

2007-08-08 14:05:33 · 2 answers · asked by Reba W 4

"Act dumb until I get back"

2007-08-08 13:31:43 · 7 answers · asked by Commander 3

This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them diamonds-in-the-rough... adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

2007-08-08 13:22:15 · 4 answers · asked by Nola 3

2007-08-08 13:20:39 · 6 answers · asked by reliedon 2

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the Rugged Mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's' grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democrat Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about grizzly bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?

2007-08-08 12:45:51 · 10 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Jehovah's say. It really does sound like an exact description of Me, since i am an ilL lER\, meaning a LARRY and part-german herr, also i tipped the scales at 198 lbs just yesterday or the day before.
and if God the son is the son fromn with then Tod prounced Todd is God the Son, that Me. Larry's middle name. And had this been 60-70 years ago harming Me wouild have been a crime.
And when the german send my voice back in time, i'll tell Moses do i have to spell it out for you? I am meaning I - A - M is Me forever. And thus perhaps germans will reign supreme with Me?
what say you?

2007-08-08 12:45:38 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde decided to hire herself out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked if the owner had any odd jobs for her.

Well, I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge?"
The blonde quickly responded, " £50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats.
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".

2007-08-08 12:42:22 · 21 answers · asked by L 7

Smila picked up piscesburd at the local Rave party. Later he took her home and she asked him to go to bed with her.
"I've got no protection," said smila.
"That's ok," said piscesburd, "but be careful."
Smila was just working up a full head of steam when he stopped dead and looked at her and said, "You don't have aids, do you?"
"No," said piscesburd, "Of course not!"
"Thats a relief," said smila, "I don't want to catch it twice."

2007-08-08 12:26:04 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69".

"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.

Realising he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose.

The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.

"Wait, where are you going?" she asks.

The guy says, " If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy.

2007-08-08 12:20:48 · 18 answers · asked by "!" 5

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.

"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend." the young woman replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the reverend, placing his head between her breasts. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not reverend." she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

2007-08-08 12:18:46 · 18 answers · asked by "!" 5

I'm bored, so i'm going to give you guys a brain teaser.

DO NOT look at other peoples answer.

okay so if you don't have any of your five senses. you can't feel, taste, hear, see and smell, how do you know your alive?

2007-08-08 12:05:45 · 24 answers · asked by Lankan Sweetheart 4

The teacher was asking her third grade student's for a three syllable word and to use it in a sentence. Several students raised their hands.
"Beautiful," said fidget. "My teacher is beautiful."
"Wonderful," said calamity. "My teacher is wonderful."
The teacher was quite flattered, and then chose smila.
"Urinate," said smila.
"What?" replied the shocked teacher.
"Urinate, but if your t*t's were bigger, you'd be aa ten."

2007-08-08 11:51:02 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-08 11:17:18 · 5 answers · asked by Patrick B 1

2007-08-08 10:20:22 · 1 answers · asked by pisces954chick 1

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife; "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both! Be strong honey I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he's gay, thinks you're cute and asked if we had any Vaseline.""I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too

2007-08-08 10:00:56 · 8 answers · asked by blueblood 3

Those 3 guys went to play golf on a nice Wednesday afternoon. But they were obstructed by 5 mens in front of them playing the course. They were playing extremely slow. So the P, D and E goes to office and calls the management to tell the 5 guys in front to move faster. So the management refused. They said "well you see these 5 guys are blind..they lost their eye sight in a Fire..these are fireman"...Hearing this the preacher says "Oh i will pray for them tonight"...The Doctor said "Oh i will find for them the best Eye surgeon"..the Engineer (as usually they are so logical) said "Why cant these guys play during Night Time!!!!"

2007-08-08 09:58:38 · 11 answers · asked by yo 2