Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

2007-08-07 13:14:01 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.

"It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened?"
"Well" replies Simon "about a year ago, I was driving with my Uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."

"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew.

"No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.'
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
Kelly responds with: "That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?"

"Tonight Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle"

2007-08-07 13:13:29 · 27 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

A blonde woman is ecstatic when she finally finishes a 20 piece jigsaw puzzle. She yells to her friend "Look! I did this puzzle all by myself!! And it only took me four hours. On the side of the box it said "2 to 4 years"!!

2007-08-07 13:06:50 · 13 answers · asked by Commander 3

... I asked, "Have you got a sheep's head?"
The butcher said, "No - it's just the way I part my hair in the middle"

2007-08-07 13:02:13 · 11 answers · asked by deebee731 2

...I asked the lady assistant, "Do you have any helicopter crisps please?".
She said, "Helicopter crisps???"

I said, "Yes, helicopter crisps - do you have any?"

She said, "I don't know, I'll have a look".

She went into the back of the shop and came out after a while with a packet in her hand and said, "We don't have any helicopter crisps, we've only got plane".

2007-08-07 12:56:11 · 18 answers · asked by deebee731 2

Well I didn't pay the bill. I've ran out of clean panties. DO I... Turn them inside out or wear none?

2007-08-07 12:55:20 · 14 answers · asked by Lil'Toe-McCain 2

One said to the other, "I've been artificially inseminated".

The other said,"You've what?"

The first one said, "I've just been artificially inseminated".

The 2nd one said, "I don't believe you"

The first one said, "It's true - straight up, no bull"

2007-08-07 12:53:17 · 14 answers · asked by deebee731 2

would you get an assquack?

2007-08-07 12:04:30 · 9 answers · asked by sonofEatonWrite 3

A blind man asks for a menu in braille but is told that they haven't got one.He says "OK, just bring me any used fork from the kitchen". The manager brings him one, the blind man sniffs it and says " Mmm spaghetti bolognese, I'll have some of that."
The same thing happens the next night, he sniffs the fork and says "Mmm, steak au poivre...I'll have some of that."
The manager is bemused and is determined to catch him out.
The next time he comes in and asks for a fork the manager tells his wife.." Glynis, fetch a clean fork and stick it down your knickers (panties to the yanks)." She does so and the manager smugly takes it out to the man.
He sniffs it again and says " Sniff, sniff...mmmm, I didn't know Glynis worked here".

2007-08-07 11:54:07 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm looking for something hilarious and unforgetable.

2007-08-07 11:52:37 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

For some reason i cant figure this riddle out. Its gotta be something simple but im just not seeing it.

2007-08-07 11:23:35 · 9 answers · asked by i_luvclovers 2

2007-08-07 11:08:20 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

So Murphy answers the door.

A lad standing there asks " Hi I'm Joe, I'm calling for Flo to take her to a show, do you think it's a go?"

"I'll go and ask "says murphy

Hey Flo, there's a lad called Joe to take you to the show, is it a go"

Flo replies"Tell Joe it is a go I'd love to go to the show"

Murphy turns to Joe "O.k joe , I've spoken to flo and it is a go cos she'd love to go to the show"

So off they go

Ten minutes later there's another lad,

"Hi i'm Lance, calling for Nance to take her to the dance, Do you think there's a chance?"

Murphy shouts" Hey Nance theres a lad called Lance to take you to the dance, is there a chance"

"Tell Lance there is a chance and I'd love to go to the dance"

Murphy says" Ok lance i've spoken to Nance and there is a chance, she would love to go to the dance"

So off they go

10 minutes later theres a knock at the door so again Murphy answers
A lad standing there says "Hi I'm Tucker"

"P!SS OFF" says murphy

2007-08-07 11:01:30 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

My girlfriend was looking for a used car to buy and showed me an ad she found in the classifieds. It read : Brand new 1995 Mercedes Benz Slate blue, loaded , etc. Sell for $150.00. My friend & I were astonished and decided to call the seller and check it out.

The woman selling the car was glad to show it to us and to our surprise the car was in perfect condition. We asked the woman, "What's the catch? Why are you selling this car for so cheap?"

"Well," she said, "its my husband's car actually, and he recently ran off with his young secretary. I got a telegram from him last week that read : "In Miami...need money...sell car."!!

2007-08-07 10:57:08 · 18 answers · asked by "!" 5

Little Girl

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same
stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

The little girl then says "Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear
power when you don't know s--t?"


hahahaha.... gotta love it ;)

If you loved it, like I did.. stars please :)

2007-08-07 10:37:07 · 7 answers · asked by Tina W 4

reet then ah wanna knor sommet ere, an' i wanna propa answer, ahm from yorkshre, an ahm proud of it, but does wha' does tha think of us from yorkshire and does tha think we talk funny or does tha like it. (its harder writing yorkshire than speaking by the way)

you can allus tell a yokshire man, but tha cant tell im much

never buy owt wi a wuden andle it allus means ard work

be weary be chary tek heed of who tha courts theres lasses a plenty all sizes and sorts but if tha's to be appy tek on wi a lass thats nimble with a thimble and steady with the brass

tha this them as thee thi

tha a reet barmpot

its a breadcake

appy as larry

he's not so green as cabbage looking
-on ilkly moore bah tat
- eh by gum
-tha a reet un thee tha knows
-if tha bob doesnt give our bob tha bob tha thar bob ows our bob then our bobs gonna go round tha bobs nd gi thar bob a bob on thi noes

2007-08-07 10:35:25 · 9 answers · asked by wierd and wounderful world of me 5

Smila goes into a restaurant - has a look at the menu and ask the waiter what he recommends.

"The Chicken Surprise is popular, sir" the waiter says.

So Smila orders one ten minutes later and the waiter brings a plate of salad and places it on the table along with a large pot with the lid on. Smila, wondering what was in the pot, lifts the lid and sees two eyes lookin' at him.

Short time later he lifts the lid again and still sees the two eyes lookin' at him...he calles the waiter and asks what's in the pot.

The waiter lifts the lid, has a look, replaces the lid and says, "sorry,sir, wrong meal - that was the PEKING DUCK."

2007-08-07 10:29:22 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes into his lawyer's office and says,"I heard people have sued tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer."

The lawyer says, "Yes, that's perfectly true."

The man says, "Well, i'm interested in sueing someone too."

The lawyer says, "OK, so WHO are you talking about?"

The man replies, "I'd like to sue all the breweries for all the minging women i've slept with!"

2007-08-07 10:27:52 · 7 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

When I was born, I was BLACK ,

When I grew up, I was BLACK ,

When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,

When I got cold, I was BLACK ,

When I was scared, I was BLACK ,

When I was sick, I was BLACK ,

And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .


NOW, You "white" folks....



When you're born, you're PINK,

When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,

When you go in the sun, you get RED,

When you're cold, you turn BLUE,

When you're scared, you're YELLOW,

When you get sick, you're GREEN,

When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,

And when you die, you look GRAY.

So who y'all callin'

COLORED folks?

2007-08-07 10:23:52 · 8 answers · asked by ohio_mike 2

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground.
"Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick between her legs. Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp,

"What the hell did you do that for?"


"Tarzan check for squirrels."

2007-08-07 10:19:25 · 25 answers · asked by ? 5

Whoever solves this wins 10 points yay!!1 *sarcasstic voice theres an accomplishment. here it is,



As i was walking across london bridge i met a man who tipped his hat and drew his cane in this ridd;e i said his name.

What is his name?!?!?! U have one guess!!

Good luck,
Kristen

2007-08-07 10:16:01 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-07 10:14:57 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-07 10:09:00 · 30 answers · asked by "!" 5

2007-08-07 10:04:55 · 61 answers · asked by Lucy Lastik 1

three travelers are being chased by some wild indians. they are trapped in a tree and an indian said:collect some fruits and bring back all u can carry.

first guy brought back 7 oranges. the indian said: i'm going to stuff these fruits up ur ***, if u laugh, we kill u. on the 4th orange the guy laughed and went to heaven.

second guy brings back 10 cherries the indian said the same things. on the 9th cherry, the guy laughs and goes to heaven.

in heaven the first and second guy met eachother and the first guy asked: y did u laugh? u could have survived! the secong guy replied: i laughed cuz i saw the third guy bring back some durian.


if u don't kno what durian is, here's a picture: http://www.flickr.com/photos/wesheme/422956487/

2007-08-07 09:58:37 · 20 answers · asked by PinakaFaltizan 4

American on tour visits Italy, goes to the Vatican he spots a golden phone on a pillar on asking a guard he got the answer thats a phone to Heaven, oh! he gasped,I've always wanted to phone there, guard said its $1,000 to phone, ok he said and went and phoned.travelling on to Russia there is another golden phone, on asking the KGB. the guy says its $1500, to phone so he has another go then off to France another golden phone he has another try , this time it was $750. He then flys to Ireland there in Dublin another phone he asks the Father how much is it to phone Heaven, my son sure it'll be 10 cents, what! i've been charged $1000.$1500. and $500.why is it so cheap, "sure its a local call said the Father".

2007-08-07 09:55:30 · 4 answers · asked by terrano 4

you mom is a casino ...
liquer in the front
poker in the back

2007-08-07 09:52:33 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paris Hilton was speeding along in her hot sporty little convertible, wearing a really tight sweater.

A motorcycle polieman clocked her going well over the speed limit, and gave chase. Paris ignored the flashing lights and the siren, so finally the officer pulled right up next to Paris and, through his loudspeaker, yelled, "PULL OVER!"

Paris looked over at the officer, and yelled back, "No, it's a cardigan!"

2007-08-07 09:17:38 · 7 answers · asked by Stranger In The Night 5

well, if you haven't here it is......

One, dark spooky night, a man named Joe was lost. He didn't want to sleep in his small, uncomfortable car. Then, he came to a huge mansion. One light was lit in a room, Joe knocked on the door. The door opened, and there stood an old man. Joe told the old man he was lost, and he needed shelter for at least one night.The old man welcomed Joe in his mansion and showed him his room. Joe fell fast asleep in his comfy bed. A little later Joe heard a knock on his door. "Come in." He said wearily. The old man opened the door and said, "I need to show you something never to do while you stay in my house. The old man led Joe down to the back yard. The old man wen to the wishing well and pushed it and a trap door apeared. They went inside and there was an iron door they just barley sqeezed through it.

Look Below for part 2. (No more charecters left!)

2007-08-07 09:11:31 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tommy say's, my mammie's got t wo great big tattoo's, and little sammy say's, she'd need to have
to cover tit's that size.

2007-08-07 09:00:14 · 12 answers · asked by jingles 3