Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
-- Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?'
Don't answer."
-- Hannah, age 9

Never tell your Mom her diet's not working."
-- Michael, age 14

"Stay away from prunes."
-- Randy, age 9

"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to."
-- Emily, age 10

"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."
-- Taylia, age 11

"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment."
-- Traci, age 14

"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac."
-- Andrew, age 9

"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time."
-- Kyoyo, age 11

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."
-- Amir, age 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."
-- Kellie, age 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
-- Naomi, age 15

"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick."
-- Lauren, age 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
-- Joel, age 10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone."
-- Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat."
-- Eileen, age 8

2007-08-07 00:44:43 · 33 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Sign over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blow-out."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Let us pick your nose."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry.
Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At the entrance to a sperm bank: "The customer always comes first"

At the exit of the same bank: "Thank you for coming, please come again."

2007-08-07 00:43:58 · 17 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

He says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.... "No sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline' was laid by 1,900 men in 6 months.

2007-08-07 00:43:09 · 15 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His
depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"....

"I couldn't even get on the bed!"

2007-08-07 00:42:28 · 19 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "Excuse me, would you have sex with a man you didn't know for one million dollars?"

She thinks about the proposition for a minute, and then
replies,"Yes, I would sleep with a man I don't know for a million dollars."

The man then asks,"Would you sleep with me for fifty cents?"

Insulted, the woman replies, "Of course not!! How could you ask me such a thing?"

The man states, "Well, we've already established the fact that you're a whore. Now I'm just haggling over the price."

2007-08-07 00:40:09 · 12 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a ..44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."


MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."

SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

2007-08-06 23:35:26 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line
of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped histicket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating,Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address>>microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find find his identity,

2007-08-06 23:11:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old Timer's
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this
very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to
you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK," he says, "How about
taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's
sake?" Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good
idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their
conversation and having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I've got to see
These two-oldtimers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them. The elderly couple walks halting along, leaning fo
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and
the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the
old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex
that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes
while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally,
they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He
thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't
know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the
old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is
there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence."



--

2007-08-06 22:52:44 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

explaining they mean left and right, oh she says now i understand the c and a in my thong

2007-08-06 22:11:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-06 21:53:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
good.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and
didn't even notice that I had gotten a
new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your Ex-husband

PS Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia Together! Have a great life!

---------------------------------

2007-08-06 21:23:59 · 12 answers · asked by Sweety 3

i am an animal
im rarely seen
i live in the sea

what am i

2007-08-06 20:51:31 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-06 19:08:04 · 6 answers · asked by Miss Megan Up4Grabs 4

any kind of joke you want!
i prefer short ones with a punch, but long ones are okay, too.

2007-08-06 19:07:59 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just for fun, tell me the funniest joke you can about a big head.

2007-08-06 18:11:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

2007-08-06 18:09:52 · 5 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

(it may be worded incorrectly...)

A brunette, while @ work, was thinking of how she could get sent home from work early.

So....this blonde walks in and asks the brunette, "why are you hanging from the ceiling?"

the brunette says "I'm a light bulb....maybe if the boss sees me like this, he'll think i'm crazy and send me home."

blonde said ok

boss walks in and says to the brunette, "why are you hanging from the ceiling?"

brunette.....i'm a light bulb

boss.....you are clearly under alot of stress..go home and take some time off.

brunette gets down and leaves.

the blonde is following behind the brunette.

the boss says to the blonde, "where are you going?"

the blonde says, "well...I can't work in the dark."

2007-08-06 17:49:24 · 18 answers · asked by angelbear 2

Here is an infamous question that has a right answer. See if you can figure it out. If you can, tell me why you are right.

Note: To anyone who recognizes the question and already knows the answer, please don't spoil it for others!


Suppose you're on a game show, and you're given the choice of three doors: Behind one door is a car; behind the others, goats. You pick a door, say No. 1, and the host, who knows what's behind the doors, opens another door, say No. 3, which has a goat. He then says to you, "Do you want to pick door No. 2?" Is it to your advantage to switch your choice?


Best answer gets 10 points

2007-08-06 17:21:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1)): Theres a man in a room that hung himself, and there is a puddle underneath him. There is nothing in the room, and no doors or windows or anything. Just the man and the puddle!! How did the man hang himself. (high ceiling by the way)

2)): Minnie and Mortisha are sisters. Minnie is married to Steve, and Mortisha is married to Bob. One night while they are eating dinner, Minnie Murders Bob with a knife she stashed under her chair. Even though Mortisha is terribly affected and sad by the loss of her dear husband, she doesnt press charges on Minnie. Why???

;;;Once again i can answer yes/ no questions only if you need them. but this time get me at my AIM account. the sn is ----- tFEgoesRAWRxX

2007-08-06 15:37:31 · 17 answers · asked by Death to the DISCO 2

What is that movie with the muppets, and that guy at the begining is playing his ocarina.
There are like 9 sages or something and they are slow walkers
BUT there are also these like bird vulture things that the sages fuse with and they become elders...
One of the bird things gets pushed off a cliff and dies so the sage that was his "other half" disappeared.

Good movie for kids dumb as all hell now

2007-08-06 14:58:21 · 13 answers · asked by Andrew F 2

2007-08-06 14:49:33 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blonde, a redhead and a brunnete were being chased by police. all three girls ran down a alley and each hid inside three seperate boxes. when the police came around the corner they saw the boxes and kicked them to see if there was anything inside. when they kicked they one with the brunnete inside, she said meow. the police thought it was a cat so they moved on to the next one. the redhead said woof woof and they thought it was a dog so they moved on. they kicked the last one and were almost going to walk away when they heard potatoes potatoes potatoes

2007-08-06 14:37:17 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Have you heard about the teacher who was cross-eyed?
She couldn’t control her pupils!

Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with "t".
Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.

What school supply is always tired?
A knapsack!

Teacher: I see you missed the first day of school.
Kid: Yes, but I didn't miss it much.

Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention?
Student: I'm paying as little attention as I can.

Teacher: James, where is your homework?
James: I ate it.
Teacher: Why?
James: You said it was a piece of cake!

Teacher: Why is your homework in your father’s handwriting?
Pupil: I used his pen!

Teacher: You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.
Pupil: But these are the only feet I’ve got!

What’s the difference between a teacher and a steam train?
The first goes “Spit out that chewing gum immediately!” and the second goes “chew chew”!

Today my teacher yelled at me for something I didn’t do.
What was that?
My homework!

What is white when its dirty and black when its clean?
A blackboard!

2007-08-06 14:32:50 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blonds were shopping in the mall and when they were done and got back to there car they found that they had locked their keys in the car. so they walked back into the mall and searched for 3 hours until they found a hanger to unlock the doors. bach outside one blonde took the hanger and started the process of trying to unlock the door. after a while the other blonde got all mad at her. my goodness your so slow she said. go faster! its starting to rain and cant you see the top is down?

2007-08-06 14:22:59 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mail man was finishing his last day on the route..retirement had finally arrived.Several customers had given him gifts for his wonderful service. As he approached the door to his last stop a hot lingerie clad woman answered the door and invited him in. She took him upstairs and they did the wild thing. Afterwards she fed him lunch...as he was getting up to leave he noticed a dollar under the plate. He thanked her for everything and asked out of curiousity "what's the dollar for?" she turns to him and says "well I told my husband you were retiring and I asked what we should give you he said screw him give him a dollar!"

2007-08-06 14:10:03 · 6 answers · asked by Elizabeth 2

hehehehehe not a bad word

2007-08-06 13:59:27 · 7 answers · asked by nguyen amy 2

A man goes to see his psychiatrist. The man says
" Two nights ago I dreamed that I was a teepee. Last night I dreamed that I was a wigwam"
The doctor says "You are obviously two tents!"

2007-08-06 13:54:13 · 1 answers · asked by Mr. Badwrench 6

A man goes to see a psychiatrist. He is very upset.
"Doc, I dreamed all night that I was a car muffler, and when I woke up this morning I was exhausted!

2007-08-06 13:48:44 · 2 answers · asked by Mr. Badwrench 6

The five secrets to a great relationship.....

1. It's important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who make you laugh.
3. It's important to find a man who is dependable, respectful and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have s*x with you..........














5. It's important that these four men never meet.

2007-08-06 13:46:47 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

you walk up 2 a man and ask where u are he says 2 ask the man up ahead but 2 b cautious for around here southerners always lie in the north and tell the truth in the south and northerners always tell the truth in the north and lie in the south, you walk up 2 the man and ask where u are and who he is, he says he is a northerner and u are in the south.

2007-08-06 13:35:54 · 27 answers · asked by Alex S 1