what is your favorite joke of all time...10 points to funniest?

Question

any kind of joke you want!
i prefer short ones with a punch, but long ones are okay, too.

Answer 1

What does a gay cow eat?.......Hey!!!.....haha get it? It took me a while before i did. You have to do a hand gesture with it to make it funnier! hah i hope i won the 10 points :)

Answer 2

I love both of these. The second one reminds me of a "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey type of thing. I laugh every time I read it!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"



I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead

Answer 3

Chinese Torture

A young man is wandering and lost in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door, he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost," said the young man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old, and entered the house.

During dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night, he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet, so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought."If that's the best the old man can do, then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window, and threw the boulder out.

As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted towards the ground, he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

Answer 4

There was an old couple who were having problems with memory. They went to a therapist who said that there was nothing wrong with them physically, and that it might be a good idea to start writing things down to help them remember.

That night the elderly couple go home and are eating dinner in front of the TV. The husband gets up and walks to the kitchen, the wife goes "What are you doing?", and the husband says "Getting some icecream" and the wife asks him "Can you get me some? Strawberry with sprinkles would be great, thanks" and he goes "Sure". The wife goes "Are you sure you don't need to write that down, what if you forget?" And the husband goes "No, I'll be fine" then the wife goes "But don't forget the sprinkles!! I really think you should write it down" and the husband goes "NO alright? I'll be FINE. Strawberry icecream with sprinkles, see?" The wife reluctantly gives up and goes back to watching TV.

15 minutes later the husband comes back from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon. The wife looks at him furiously and says "SEE? I TOLD you to write it down!! You forgot my toast!"

Answer 5

There's a penguin driving through the desert when his car starts to make a funny noise. The penguin pulls into an auto shop at the next town. The mechanic tells the penguin that he will need some time to look at the car so to kill time the penguin walks into town and gets a vanilla ice cream cone to cool down. The poor penguin trips and gets ice cream all over his face and shirt. He decides to walk back to the shop and see if his car is ready. When he gets there the mechanic says
"You blew a seal"
to which the penguin replies
"No, I just spilled my ice cream cone on myself"

wah, wah, wah.

Answer 6

Not really a joke...

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . .

And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land."

And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so." And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay, " he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!" said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.

Answer 7

it's not really a joke, but i like this urban legend...

a couple's been happily married for years, but lately,the wife started coming home late from work and acting kind of secretive, so the husband starts thinking she might be seeing someone else,but doesn't want to jump to conclusions.
Then, on their anniversary, he decides to surprise her on his lunch hour with a romantic candlelight dinner with her favorite takeout. But when he gets home and sees an unfamiliar car in the driveway, his worst fears are realized; she IS seeing someone else and of ALL days. So feeling angry and betrayed, he drives back to work, gets his cement truck, comes back to the house and pours the cement all over the car,then drives back to work. That night when the husband returns home, his wife is crying hysterically and completely inconsolable and sobs, "I've been working overtime for months to afford to buy you your dream car for our anniversary and look what happened to it". OHHH!

Answer 8

My favorite joke is the one about the salesman and the soldering iron.
Punch line is : " I thought you ment ski mask "

Answer 9

It replaced into yet another Payday and that i replaced into tired of Mr. stable bar. I observed omit Hershey status at the back of the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and 5th street once I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “hiya Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my huge hunk for a million greenback Bar?” properly, she right this moment went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it replaced into like organic Almond exhilaration! i could no longer help yet grab her scrumptious Mounds using fact it replaced into person-friendly to work out that this little Twix had the crimson Hoots. It replaced into all i ought to do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little kit Kat and he or she began to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!” quickly she replaced into fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and that i knew it does no longer be long earlier I blew my Milk Duds sparkling to Mars that gave her a style of the old Milky way. She asked me if i replaced into into M&M, yet I pronounced, “hiya Chick enable, no kinky stuff.” I pronounced, “look you little Reese's products, don't be a 0, be a Lifesaver. Why do no longer you're taking my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?” (What only a splash Juicy Fruit she replaced into, too!) She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, greater appropriate than the three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky street and into her Peanut Butter Cup. properly, i replaced into giving it to her stable 'N' plenty, while all the unexpected... my Starburst! Yeah, as success could have it, she began to develop Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her abdomen. confident sufficient, 9 months later, out popped? toddler Ruth!

Answer 10

They just built a roller coaster in the ghetto, Its the only one where people scream on the flat part.