Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

During a moment of brilliance, and a man buys several sheep in hopes of breeding them for wool. He figured it’d be an excellent way to make some extra money. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him he should try artificial insemination.

Now the guy doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he’d know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they’ll stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. “Nope,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”

2007-08-07 08:57:41 · 12 answers · asked by tuumac 2

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken. Don't you like it anymore?"
She said, "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said, "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see," he said.
"Okay," and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches. I'm starting to get feathers
down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

2007-08-07 08:49:43 · 24 answers · asked by "!" 5

Skimpy

i know it's lame but I found it funny

2007-08-07 08:42:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Escaped Prisoner

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

2007-08-07 08:32:31 · 20 answers · asked by tuumac 2

For many years, Charlie in London and Bill in New York were penpals.
They had never met.
One day, Charlie recieved a letter from Bill, saying that he had intended to come to London.
"Please cable back if it's convenient." Bill wrote.
The following exchange of cables then ensued:

Charlie: "Delighted to welcome you.
Will meet you at the station."

Bill: "Thanks--------I'm black Charlie."

Charlie: "Don't care if black. Come. Will meet you at station."

Bill: "Am Catholic."

Charlie: "Don't care if you're black and a catholic. Come.
Will meet you at station."

Bill: "Am Hunchback."

Charlie: Don't care if you're black, catholic and a hunchback. Come. Will meet you at station."

Bill: "Have only one eye in centre of forehead."

Charlie: I don't care if you are black, a catholic who is a hunchback with only one eye in the middle of your forehead.
Will meet you at station. But how do I recognise you?"

LOL.

2007-08-07 08:20:36 · 7 answers · asked by ♆Şрhĩņxy - Lost In Time. 7

A young man was hurtling down the motorway in his souped-up,
beat -up Volkeswqgon.
A traffic officer stopped him.
"You were exceeding the speed limit young man.
What is your name?"
"W-a-n-k break, Officer."
"Where do you work Mr Break?"
"The Ball Bearing Factory. We make small balls, middle-sized balls and large balls, Sir."
"Have you committed an offence like this before?"
asked the traffic officer.
"Never, officer, on my word of honour."
The traffic officer decided to let him off with a warning.
The relieved young man climbed into his Volkeswagon
and drove away only to be stopped by a second traffic officer
further on.
The traffic officer and the young man had the same convo and the young man was allowed to go again.
Back at the Ministry of Transport the two traffic officers were discussing their day and the case of the young man in the Volkeswagon cropped up.
"The blighter!" the exclaimed.
They resolved to try to catch up with him.
The first traffic officer telephoned the Ball Bearing Factory.
"Have you got a W-a-n-k Break? he asked the telephonist.
"No, but we do have a tea break, " she replied.

2007-08-07 08:11:42 · 6 answers · asked by ♆Şрhĩņxy - Lost In Time. 7

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

2007-08-07 08:01:59 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The two young girls had been given parts in a Christmas play at school.
At dinner that night they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.
Judy who is 11 had the bigger role.
''Why of course mine's the bigger part," she told 5
year old Lucy.
"Anybody'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than an angel."


True in some cases for some people isn't it?

2007-08-07 07:59:30 · 7 answers · asked by ♆Şрhĩņxy - Lost In Time. 7

Three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to a small room with another room adjacent to it.

They brought the first guy's wife into the room and left her there. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man saying, "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out, so get out."

The second candidate's wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and said, "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room, but returned three minutes later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out - get out."

2007-08-07 07:52:59 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman is standing nude in the mirror. and asks her husband "I feel FAT and Ugly, pay me a compliment" she says.......... Hubby says ..............."Your eyesight is dam near perfect"

2007-08-07 07:46:54 · 15 answers · asked by russbillen 4

Body: A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, “Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot.”

The father explained, “No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman.”

So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

Furious, the mother shouted,
“Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!”

2007-08-07 07:40:49 · 12 answers · asked by ? 4

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

2007-08-07 06:58:12 · 4 answers · asked by wdh25 2

Two guys in a boat...... One say to the other "I think I am gonna divorce my wife, She hasn't spoken to me in 6 months!"
The other guy says " You better think it over,,,,, Women like that are hard to find"

2007-08-07 06:28:35 · 11 answers · asked by russbillen 4

First guy says proudly "My wife is an absolute angel"

Second guy says "Your lucky....... Mine is still alive"

2007-08-07 06:20:41 · 5 answers · asked by russbillen 4

Put up a BINGO sign

2007-08-07 06:09:37 · 13 answers · asked by russbillen 4

............... Sparky

2007-08-07 06:08:11 · 11 answers · asked by russbillen 4

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.
"Hi is Tony home?"
" No he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
" No come in."
They sit down and the friend says
"You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell – a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together. Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know your weird friend Chris came over. " Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”

2007-08-07 05:53:33 · 9 answers · asked by listen68 3

One turns to the other and say can you smell fish.

2007-08-07 05:44:18 · 7 answers · asked by clint_slicker 6

"The music stopped and he died."

What happened? If you answer correctly, you get best answer, or if nobody gets it- the closest to it gets it!

2007-08-07 05:37:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard ran back into the house.

They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird. The wife got into the taxi while the husband went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

2007-08-07 04:57:32 · 4 answers · asked by Sweety 3

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bi*ch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions.

2007-08-07 04:21:16 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-07 03:42:17 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."


One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

2007-08-07 02:25:48 · 17 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
was the one in charge.


"I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen".


"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen
all over, so without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge, " said the stomach, "because I process food
and give all of you energy."


"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body
wherever it needs to go."


"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to
see where it goes."


"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "because I'm responsible
for waste removal."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so
in a huff, he shut down tight.

2007-08-07 02:01:30 · 13 answers · asked by Arisa 1

Ralph Goes To Heaven
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

2007-08-07 01:56:39 · 17 answers · asked by Arisa 1

give the man a match and he is warm for a minute.

set him on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life..literally

_______________________________________

the early bird catches the worm

the second mouse gets the cheese

_____________________________________

never judge the book by its covers

judge by the author instead. If it's written by g.w bush, don't buy it.

__________________________________

the best example of seeing heat expands is that summer holidays are so much longer than winter holidays.

___________________________________

give a man a fish and he is content for a day.
give him internet and he won't bother you for weeks.
point a gun at his head and see if he'll ever find trouble from you again.

2007-08-07 01:44:37 · 10 answers · asked by caroline 5

2007-08-07 01:42:37 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,

"Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

2007-08-07 01:31:24 · 6 answers · asked by ~brandy~ 3

An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

2007-08-07 01:24:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please excuse the rough language in the following story... I would have deleted it, but the story wouldn't be the same
A Honeymoon tale..................

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well", said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh mama", she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic"......Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon we returned Sam started using the most horribly language -- things
I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter
words You've got to take me home! ! PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah", her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook."

............ "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother

2007-08-07 01:20:17 · 8 answers · asked by mysticalviking 5