Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

I am what young girls aspire to be. Take away my last three and she will dream of me. My first two are what she looks for and the first three, she herself.

Have you been able to figure me out?

2007-08-05 16:58:41 · 6 answers · asked by Traveller 5

so, a peanut is walking home from the movies and someting goes NUTS!!!(te-he-he. pun number one) when the police finally get there, he has regained conciousness. when they ask him what happened, he replied...














i was ASSAULTED!!! (get it? he was a-salt-ed? yes, i know it's dumb. but i dare you to fill in a better answer. 10 points to the winner!!!)

2007-08-05 16:41:15 · 8 answers · asked by yourfaceisawapango... 2

answer,on both occasions it pays not to look down.!

2007-08-05 16:31:58 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

SPAGHETTI......
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay
her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would a lso provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it
discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write Spaghetti"
on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife
said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give
it to me and I'll explain it," he said.

The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card,
turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without!

Request bread...

2007-08-05 15:07:41 · 14 answers · asked by Josh S 2

Rabbit farts, silly!




Star if you giggle like a schoolgirl/boy

2007-08-05 14:39:00 · 8 answers · asked by My Pitseleh 4

i farmer went in a bar, as he ordered some drinks a lady came up to him and said' are you a true farmer?'. He thought for a bit and answered' well i do grows field crops for a living,i have miles of land, living in the country side, so i guess i am a true farmer'.
then she goes ' im a lesbian,i love women,i think about women every second,i think about having sex with womenall the time'. then she left
a while later another lady approach him, she asked him ' are you a true farmer,? he replied ' i always thought i was a true farmer but a moment ago i found out that i was a lesbian.

2007-08-05 14:32:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

DRUNK MAN
There was this guy who was always out drinking with his friends and going home late, one night his mate Smila asked "How do you get away with going home so late and being sloshed as a fart.?" The guy Say's "Well I sneak into the house, sneak upstairs, gently pull back the covers and give my wife the best oral she's ever had. Then I go wash up and go to bed by the time morning comes she doesn't care that I came in late and sloshed" That night Smila, running a bit late and well sloshed and woried his wife will freak, sneaks into the house goes upstairs, gently pulls back the covers and give's her the best oral she's ever had. He goes to the bathroom to wash up and his wife comes in "Why aren't you sleeping.?" Smila says. "I just came in to tell you" says his wife "I'm sleeping on the couch and you'll be in the spare room tonight as my mother is staying over and she's in the bed."

2007-08-05 14:30:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A handsome but naive boy was discovered by police walking around town with just his shoes on.
"Hey Smila, how come you're walking around naked? they asked.
"Well, it's like this," replied Smila. "I was on the river bank fishing when Babyblue came along, sat down and started kissing me. Then she took all her clothes off and told me to do the same. So I did. I took all my clothes off except for my shoes. Then she opened her legs and said....'Go to town Smila', so her I am."

2007-08-05 14:12:00 · 23 answers · asked by . 3

An Englishman, a Scotman and an Irishman were stopped on High Street by the police and asked for their names. Not wishing to give their real names the Englishman looked about and then said 'John Sainsburys.' The Scotsman looked around and said, 'Mark Spencer.' The Irishman did the same and said 'Bradford and Bingley Building Society.'

2007-08-05 14:04:10 · 20 answers · asked by . 3

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

2007-08-05 13:54:25 · 4 answers · asked by Giggle Bear 3

An Irish student was tellhing his friend how he had password-protected his computer.
"And what's your password?"
"Well don't tell anybody," says the Irish student but it's "James Bond, Indiana Jones, Superman, Spider-man, Shrek, Harry Potter."
"What made you choose a password like that?" his friend asked.
"Because," said the Irish student, "I was told that it had to have at least six characters."

2007-08-05 13:39:47 · 37 answers · asked by . 3

Allright, there were 4 friends from school who met up one day, one of the men went off to the bathroom. So one man started about how succesful his son was. He said, "My son is so succesful. He works at Mercedes and had enough to give his friends a brand new Mercedes last week." The next man says, "Well my son is a contractor and he is so succesful that he gave his friend a giant brand new house last week." the third man said, "Well owns an airline company and he is so succesful that he gave his friend a private jet last week!"
By then the fourth man came out of the bathroom and they asked him what his son did for a living. He told them, "Well my son is a gay stripper." all the men were saying how sorry they were for them but he said, "It's allright, he seems to be doing very well. Why just last week his boyfriends gave him a brand new mercedes, a giant new house, and his own private jet!"

Sorry if anybody has posted it already, I don't go to yahoo answers too much.

2007-08-05 13:08:35 · 16 answers · asked by Monkeydial 1

2007-08-05 13:02:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."

2007-08-05 12:56:53 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you call two canibals in 69?
-----
trust


um Ok if its perverted, Im old enough to be told lol but the thing is im not really a perv..so i cant think of it. help thx!

2007-08-05 12:40:24 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

2007-08-05 12:29:49 · 4 answers · asked by The Forgotten 6

It was very late at night when Jim Jnr pulled up at the only hotel in town and asked for a room.
"I'm sorry, sir, all the rooms are taken, there's a county fair here tomorrow."
Horrified at the thought of having to travel further, Jim pleaded with the man for somewhere to stay.
"Well..." said the owner, "we do have a spare bed but it means you'll have to share a twin room with one of our local residents and he snores so badly you'll never get any sleep."
"Don't worry, I'll sort it," said Jim and off to the room he went.
Next morning Jim came down to pay his bill, looking well rested.
"Everything alright, sir, you weren't disturbed too much?"
"Oh no, not at all. Before I went to sleep, I went over to the other man who was still awake, gave him a kiss on the forehead and wished him, "Pleasant dreams darling." and he stayed awake all night watching me!"

2007-08-05 12:02:03 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you call two canibals in 69?



trust

2007-08-05 11:29:19 · 15 answers · asked by sonofEatonWrite 3

A guy is french kissing a girl, when she stops and asks....

'Ooh I think I have your chewing gum?'

'No, that's ok I have Bronchial Asthma'

2007-08-05 11:18:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr.Johnson and his secretary are on a train to Paris. They are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has the hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I'm a little cold, could I borrow your blanket? The man says how would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile? The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of bed. Then he replies, good, then you can get your own damn blanket.

2007-08-05 11:01:40 · 10 answers · asked by takeonelastbreat 2

This one might be old.

Sperm 1: hey dude when do we reach the
uterus?

Sperm 2: I don't know but I think we just passed the tonsils.

2007-08-05 10:57:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can people really be this stupid?

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today

2007-08-05 10:52:49 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-05 10:52:37 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

okay who like the twilight zone where the little girl falls into the wall and the mom goes into hysterics! and just by chance their neighbor is like a scientist! its a pretty cool one!

2007-08-05 09:22:45 · 4 answers · asked by N.a.t.a.l.i.e. 2

This joke has been open and no answers after the four hours. Guess what?

2007-08-05 08:47:02 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a Macintosh.

2. Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

3. Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.


4. Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

5. Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.


6. Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

7. Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard drive into 3.5 inch floppy.

8. Woody Allen virus: By-passes the mother board and turns on daughter card.

9. Joey Butafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.


10. Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

11. Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

12. Dr. Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

13. Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

2007-08-05 08:44:06 · 19 answers · asked by "!" 5

Dumb husband

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bastard," says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

2007-08-05 07:52:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night a man barges into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and stands in front of his wife.

"This is the pig I screw when you claim you have a headache," he says.

The wife looks at him, half shocked and half confused, and replies, "That's a sheep under your arm."

"I wasn't talking to you."

2007-08-05 07:48:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

2007-08-05 07:46:51 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Best answer ten points ;)

2007-08-05 07:44:47 · 4 answers · asked by RoSlYn =] <3 1