Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

2007-08-09 07:37:00 · 8 answers · asked by cap3382 4

CIA intelligence reports that a major plot is planned for that day. Anyone who takes a poop on the 28th will be bitten on the *** by an alligator. Reports indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to rise up into unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them when they are doing their dirty business.

I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this information from a reliable source.

It came from a friend of a friend whose cousin is dating this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife knows this lady whose husband buys hotdogs from this guy who knows a shoeshine guy who shines the shoes of a mailroom worker who has a friend who's drug dealer sells drugs to another mailroom worker who works in the CIA building. He apparently overheard two guys talking in the bathroom about alligators and came to the conclusion that we are going to be attacked. So it must be true.

2007-08-09 07:30:52 · 21 answers · asked by "!" 5

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster".

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

2007-08-09 07:20:29 · 38 answers · asked by bperez2002 3

In the morning it walks on all fours. At noon it walks on two legs. At night it walks on three legs. What am I ?

2007-08-09 06:53:35 · 7 answers · asked by Dude 3

aren't I her match?, what part of match doesn't she understand?

Joke here, calm down relax,

2007-08-09 06:50:33 · 5 answers · asked by a2z_alterego 4

Because cigars cannot be entirely smoked, a hobo who collects cigar butts can make a cigar to smoke out of every 5 butts that he finds. Today, he has collected 25 cigar butts. How many cigars will he be able to smoke?

2007-08-09 06:48:08 · 12 answers · asked by Rachel 2

What God never sees, what the king seldom sees, and what we see almost every day. What is it?

2007-08-09 06:32:29 · 4 answers · asked by Rachel 2

2007-08-09 06:28:13 · 4 answers · asked by ter l 1

A woman answers her front door, man standing outside says "Terribly sorry but I think Ive just ran over your cat"
Woman.. "Oh no!!!" breaks down sobbing.
Man feeling guilty "But I was thinking of replacing him"
Woman "Thats all very well but how are you at catching mice?"

2007-08-09 06:26:18 · 25 answers · asked by milly 4

1. Mary was meant to proof-read a document at the rate of 30 pages a day. She was half way through the document before she realized that she was only working at the rate of 15 pages a day. How fast does she need to proof-read the rest of the document in order to reach her target of 30 pages a day?

2007-08-09 05:54:25 · 13 answers · asked by Gary John W 1

Gary glitters boots

LOL

2007-08-09 05:36:04 · 17 answers · asked by funnyracist 1

I thought it was old socks. But I think it's moving. Should I run?

2007-08-09 05:32:25 · 10 answers · asked by Whojack the Pifitarian. 3

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

2007-08-09 05:26:11 · 5 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.
Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute. The pig's
OK but he's stuck in the bull-bar at the front of my Ute and is wriggling
and
squealing so much I cannot get him out".

The manager says, "OK, there's a 303 behind the seat, take it out and
shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him".

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. "I did as you said Boss. Took
the 303 and shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bar. No
problem there, but I still can't go on.

"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager..

"Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under
the right front wheel arch".....................

"You there boss?"

2007-08-09 05:09:08 · 14 answers · asked by vlf126 3

Fifty-Fifty
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn using the teeth."

2007-08-09 05:06:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

answer wat it is u take and wat grows...no anwers r wrong, try ur best

2007-08-09 04:53:19 · 22 answers · asked by Aiden 3

you give it to your mother ,brother ,wife ,son or friend ?Kindly also give reasons.

2007-08-09 04:14:07 · 21 answers · asked by Heights! 2

Mom, Dad, and 2 kids have come to a river, and they find a boat. It is small and can only carry one adult or 2 kids at a time. Both kids are good rowers, but how can the whole family reach the other side of the river?

2007-08-09 03:43:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cathy has six pairs of black gloves and six pairs of brown gloves in her drawer. In complete darkness, how many gloves must she take from the drawer in order to be sure to get a pair that match? Think carefully!!

2007-08-09 03:40:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a drink of water. The bartender pulls out a gun, points it at the man, and cocks it. The man says "Thank you" and leaves. What happened?

2007-08-09 03:24:45 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"

After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"

At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.

Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

2007-08-09 02:19:11 · 8 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, ***** and *****".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, ***** is a cat like our little Mittens, and ***** is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...***** and *****.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is *****."
"OK dad, so what's a *****?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

2007-08-09 01:32:50 · 10 answers · asked by ezra k 1

2007-08-08 23:33:53 · 7 answers · asked by xanos04_08 1

THERE IS ONE BUS , INSIDE THE BUS THERE ARE 7 GIRLS, EACH GIRL HAS 7 BAGS ,INSIDE EACH BAG THERE ARE 7 CATS , EACH CAT HAS 7 SMALL CATS ,HOW MANY Legs are INSIDE THE BUS?

2007-08-08 22:37:14 · 43 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

2007-08-08 22:27:54 · 12 answers · asked by billyndave 1

NEW ELEMENT IN THE PERIODIC TABLE

Element : WOMEN
Symbol : Wo+
Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 Kg; isotopes may vary from 40-200 kg.
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

1. bOiLs at room temperature
2. Freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter, if incorrectly used.
5. Sweet as Honey if given a proper treatment.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

1. Have great affinity for Gold, Silver and a range of precious stones
and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for an unknown
reason.
3. Most powerful money reducing agent known. till now.
this not to hurt any females . just for fun. i think i will get the another element from the readers

2007-08-08 22:26:25 · 13 answers · asked by risker4you 2

i am hoping that no-one will take offence to this topic and just treat it as the joke it is...

I want to put this on my blog but I need more additions, so, who wants to contribute??

so far I have:

1. You have to feed them more
2. They are harder to hide
3. They are harder to move
4. If you kill them you have to drag their fat *** around
5. You can't fit them in the boot or trunk
6. Nobody is willing to pay to get them back
7. You can't find a rope long enough to tie them up
8. They always ask for cake

2007-08-08 22:03:46 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent #$%&^*%," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids."

2007-08-08 20:16:24 · 8 answers · asked by Sweety 3

Pls. Guess!!

How do we get the elephant into the fridge??

When Mr Lion was having a party, who did't come??

Why did the Birthday Lion didn't come to his own party??

2007-08-08 20:13:47 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

im going to give you 3 riddles together ok, so the first riddle is:

1. why did the mad man on a areoplane throw the toilet bowl out of the window?


2. why did a lady just die suddenly when she's only walking down the street?


3. and last.. why did a schoolboy, after scoring a perfect 100 marks in his test and being top in his class, still go to a corner by himself and cried his eyes out?


i have invented this riddle together with my elder sister and i would like to share it with you guys. hope it's fun! the closest or correct answer gets 10 points!! enjoy...;-p

2007-08-08 19:49:39 · 11 answers · asked by Sweet November 2