Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"

"Chili," she says, "But the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. ""Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.

"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.

"Yeah, that's as far as I got, too," said the man sitting next to him.

2007-08-10 09:04:23 · 35 answers · asked by "!" 5

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look too darn tight?
I think I'm fine but I can see
You won't cooperate with me,
The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray.
What's that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in,
If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight,
I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;
I hate you being smug and wise
O, look what's happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens!!

STAR if you like it.

2007-08-10 09:00:44 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.
The old man is getting ready but can't find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand dollars. So that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner.

"Well.." she said "each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box"

"And what about the thousand dollars?" asked the old man.

"Well..." Replies the woman "Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them"

2007-08-10 07:15:18 · 5 answers · asked by puma 4

2007-08-10 06:59:09 · 22 answers · asked by megan w 2

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said - concentrate.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you would get change back.
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
Under education on her job application, she put Hooked on Phonics.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
At the bottom of the application where it says sign here she put Sagittarius.
It takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
If she spoke her mind, she would have nothing to say.
She studied for a blood test and failed.
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she saw the NC17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
She heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.
When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said airport left, she turned around and went home.

2007-08-10 06:58:35 · 56 answers · asked by "!" 5

*Think Underground and Tunnels

*Don't Stress Yourself, Just Think OUTSIDE Box!

*STAR IF YOU'RE STUMPED!

2007-08-10 06:55:25 · 9 answers · asked by babybroadway06 1

1. Three gay men walked into a forest
They were laughing and prancing
When they came upon a native chief
He captured the 3 of them and said
"Go out into the forest and each find me a different fruit"
So the three gay men went into the forest
The first guy brought back his fruit
Then the chief said
"You must shove them up your *** without laughing or crying, or you will be shot to death"
So the first gay man had a banana
He got it 3/4 up but started crying.
He was shot and went up to heaven
The second guy had 10 grapes
Then the chief said
"You must shove them up your *** without laughing or crying, or you will be shot to death"
He got 9 of them up, when he started laughing histarically.
Up in heaven, he was with the first guy who said "Dude, you almost had it! why did you start laughing?"
The second guy smiled and said "Because I saw the last guy coming with a pineapple"

2007-08-10 06:55:03 · 17 answers · asked by Anna G 1

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

2007-08-10 06:51:11 · 15 answers · asked by theCATALYST 5

Three presidents--Carter, Clinton, and G.W. Bush--were on a plane.

President Carter opens the hatch and throws out a hundred dollar bill, and says "I just saved a family."

President Bush opens the hatch and throws out two hundred dollar bills and says "I just saved two families."

President Clinton looks at both of them, opens the hatch, and throws out President Bush, and says "I just saved the world''

2007-08-10 06:49:44 · 20 answers · asked by MiZz RuBy 6

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

_______ ___________________________________


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: &n bsp; No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

______________________________________


TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________


TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

2007-08-10 06:46:00 · 31 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

2007-08-10 06:19:29 · 11 answers · asked by Ace 1

Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose woman.

The priest asks,
"Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

Yes, Father it is.

And who was the woman you were with?

I can't tell you, Father.
I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Johnny,
I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later,
so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?

I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Volpe?

I'll never tell.

Was it Nina Capelli?

I'm sorry but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration.
You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot attend church services for four months.
Now you go and behave yourself.

Johnny walks back to his pew,
and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,

What'd you get?

Four months vacation and five good leads

2007-08-10 05:59:55 · 28 answers · asked by Jim 7

Three men were sent to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in **** up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

2007-08-10 05:51:40 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's two old ladies on a beach when a streaker runs past them – one had a stroke, the other one couldn’t reach!

2007-08-10 05:19:54 · 23 answers · asked by richard_beckham2001 7

2007-08-10 05:06:03 · 6 answers · asked by Alex N 3

why was harry scared of it and why did dumbledore didnt tell him??

2007-08-10 04:00:09 · 10 answers · asked by tanbabe20 2

2007-08-10 03:35:57 · 33 answers · asked by 32 characters 2

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say its not quite as good as his mother made it then buy a dog
If you want someone who will never touch the remote,doesnt care about football and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies then buy a dog
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed to warm your feet and you can push off if he snores then buy a dog
If you want someone who never criticizes you,doesnt care if you are pretty or ugly,fat or thin,young or old,who acts as if every word you say is worthy of listening to and loves you unconditionally then buy a dog.
BUT on the other hand,if you want someone who will never come when you call,ignores you totally when you come home,leaves hair all over the place,walks all over you,runs around at night and only comes home to eat and sleep and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness,then buy a cat. Now be honest..you thought I was going to say then marry a man

2007-08-10 03:28:28 · 7 answers · asked by ♥ Rachel The Great ♥ 4

Only in America ...... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink !

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America.......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America.......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Greek meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER!

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline!
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, give me a star!

2007-08-10 03:18:46 · 15 answers · asked by myturn 4

Two men walking down a lane holding a duck.
"I could do with a pint," one of them said.
The other said: "Me too, but we`re broke.","I know said the first, let`s sell the duck."
He knocked on a cottage door opened by a gorgeous shapely young lady in a see-through nightie. "Yes?" she said.
"Would you like to buy this duck ?"
"Well I`d love to but I don`t have any money. But tell you what - give me the duck and I`ll give you a f * * k."
"OK," said the man and they went inside and upstairs.
After the lady said: "Look, I really enjoyed that. Give me another f... and I`ll give you the duck back.
So they did, and the man returned to his friend in the lane. "What happened?" his friend said. "Didn`t she want it?"
"Oh yes," his friend said.
"Why have you still got the duck?" asked his friend.
"Well, I got a f* *k for the duck, and the duck for a f * * k and I`ve still got the f**king duck

2007-08-10 03:08:06 · 22 answers · asked by Montgomery B 4

A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his manhood. So when it was up it said Wendy and when it was limp it said Wy.

So they got married and went to Jamaica to a nudist beach for their honeymoon. When Wendy asked her husband to get them a drink, so he went to stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also had a Wy on his manhood.

He said, "Oh, you must have a wife named Wendy, too."

And the waiter said, "No,my tattoo says "Welcome to Jamaica, man, have a nice day!!!"

2007-08-10 03:03:46 · 23 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6

DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES FOR PRESIDENT!

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out
of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."


Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

2007-08-10 02:55:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bloke dies and goes to heaven. As St Peter is giving him a guided tour he notices billions upon billions of clocks, everywhere, all are running at different speeds.
"Whats with all the clocks?" he asks St Peter
"They represent every person upon the Earth" replies the Saint.
"Why are some fast and others slow?" he asks.
"Well, everytime somebody masturbates the clock speeds up" said St Pete.
"Wheres mine?" asks the man
"The chefs using yours in the kitchen as a fan" came the reply.

2007-08-10 02:48:04 · 19 answers · asked by Les-Paul 3

be creative and funny

2007-08-10 02:43:37 · 6 answers · asked by mobile auto repair (mr fix it) 7

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

2007-08-10 02:36:55 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

WHO IS JACK SCHITT???

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack
Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know
Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt,the fertilizer
magnate
married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one
son,
Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt,
and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married
Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack
and
Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because
her
kids were living with them, she want ed to keep her previous name. She
was
then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
a
rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper
announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were
Dawg
Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italywith his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know JackSchitt,' you can correct
them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

2007-08-10 02:35:05 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

(dont flame me,blame jimmy carr...rofl)

2007-08-10 02:19:55 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

it duz no have to be money but needs to be money, fame or, love.

2007-08-10 01:44:13 · 9 answers · asked by Steelersrlz5 2

funny or not funny that is the question .123 if u thik that it is funny

2007-08-10 01:37:36 · 6 answers · asked by samaa faleh 1

At the nudist colony the most popular fellow was one who could hold ten doughnuts and one pint of lager in each of his hands.

So who was the most popular woman?





A - The woman that could eat the last doughnut?

2007-08-10 01:36:25 · 25 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6