Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

Answer these questions correctly for 10 points! I will give the answers in the end!

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

2. How many birth days does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

4. A woman gives a beggar 1 dollar and 32 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?

5. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

6. If there are 3 apples and you take away two, how many do you have?

7. I have two U.S. coins totalling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?

8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?

9. A farmer has 17 sheep; all but 9 die. How many are left?

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the arc?

11. There once was a lady who really liked pink. In her cozy, little one-story house, everything was pink. Even her dog, hair, car & clothes. What color were her stairs?

2007-08-11 16:04:22 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

there are three old men @ poker nite. a 60 yr old says: i'm always constipated!!!!being 60 iz the worst! a 70 yr old says: well if you think that's bad,i can never pee!i always fell like i'm about 2 explode!an 80 year old says:i crap every morning @ 6:00 and pee every morning @ 6:30.what's so bad about being 80? the others say. he replies, i don't wake up 'till 8:00!!!!!!!

2007-08-11 14:52:25 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

what belongs to you, but is used mostly by other people???

2007-08-11 14:43:44 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing.

The other guy takes out his cell phone and calls the 9-11. He studders to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

I didn't make this joke a friend told it to me :)

2007-08-11 14:05:24 · 14 answers · asked by Christina 3

we need good ones

2007-08-11 13:57:03 · 21 answers · asked by Sarah <33 1

Woman's Perfect Breakfast


She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.


Her son is on the cover of the wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of business week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


Did u get it?

2007-08-11 13:20:33 · 32 answers · asked by Mirabelle 6

(1)Someone saw a blonde eating a Tootsie Roll Pop and asked her, "So,... how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?"
Without a thought, the blonde replied, "Beats me, but it took almost the whole day just to lick through the wrapper."

(2)The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, uttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."

2007-08-11 12:27:16 · 8 answers · asked by Amanda 5

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, "All lawyers are as*holes!" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge. Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that back." The biker asks, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" "No," replies the man, "I'm an as*hole."

2007-08-11 12:21:15 · 6 answers · asked by philisopheyes 3

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goest to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead.
Well, now she's angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But, as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"
"Shut up.," she says. "You're next."

2007-08-11 12:11:05 · 15 answers · asked by philisopheyes 3

"I've been making a lot of Freudian slips lately," a man says to his friend. "Like what?" asks his buddy. "Well, last week I asked the train conductor for two pickets to T*ttsburgh." "I did something similar the other day," says the friend. "My wife and I were having breakfast, and instead of saying, 'Honey, please pass the butter,' I said, 'You b*tch-you ruined my life!"

2007-08-11 11:50:09 · 10 answers · asked by philisopheyes 3

2007-08-11 10:41:50 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

WOULD YOU RATHER A TIGER EAT YOU OR A LION

2007-08-11 09:20:23 · 21 answers · asked by anne b 3

He choked on his own Vimto.

2007-08-11 09:05:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A new golfer, intent on improving his game was taking some rather expensive lessons from the club pro.

While practicing his drives, he ricocheted a few off some golf carts, trees and passersby. On one of his efforts, he imparted a horrendous hook into the ball which carried over the perimeter fence, bounced on the freeway, went in through the open window of a passing bus and knocked out the driver. The bus went out of control, headed down through a drainage ditch, up into a gas station, sheared off three gas pumps an erupted into a huge ball of fire. The poor golfer was horrified!

MY GOD, did you see what I just did?

"Yep, said the pro, you dropped your right shoulder and took your eye off the ball".

2007-08-11 08:32:19 · 20 answers · asked by "!" 5

their is a little boy and little girl playing in a sandbox .and the little boy fart***d lol and blew sand all on her and she said what was that ,he said thats my tail pipe letting off stem lol well time went on and all the sudden boom she fart***d lol blowed sand everywhere nocked both of them out on the ground nocked her out .the little boy curios lol got up went over peaked up her dress and said huh. just what i thought dual exhaust'

2007-08-11 08:16:29 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok this is not supposed to be mean in any way!

there were 2 burnettes and 1 blonde stuck in a desert island

then a genie pops up they all get one wish only
burnette one says i wish i could go home
burnette two says i wish i could go home
then the blonde says i miss my friends i wish they were back!!!


hahaha
give it a star if you like it!

2007-08-11 08:03:23 · 8 answers · asked by That Girl. 3

A blonde steps into an elevator, smiles at the man already on, and says," T-G-I-F."

The man smiles and says," S-H-I-T."

The blonde smiles back and replies," T-G-I-F."

The man again smiles and says," S-H-I-T."

The blonde looks confused. She answers the man, and says, "Thank goodness its Friday."

The man smiles and replies, "Sorry honey, its Thursday."

2007-08-11 07:31:20 · 45 answers · asked by "!" 5

Three guys Nemises, skyblucarp and smila are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.

Now one of the guys skyblucarp just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done." Suddenly the Skyblucarp starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy Smila is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done." The Smila starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy Nemises is so enthralled with the changes that his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ." The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don't usually try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider."

Nemises says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please,"" says the mermaid, "You don't understand what you're asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else....a million dollars, anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid said, Nemises insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power.

So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done." And Nemises became a woman named Nemises-ett.

2007-08-11 05:58:31 · 23 answers · asked by "!" 5

oh god this morn i woke up and found something quite hard and red in my ed i thought oh no its half a finger or sumat lmao ,i was scared to trun the light on it was hard and wet i thought oh is half me finger grose lmao ,i thought this as i chopped me alf finger off few years before lol ,anyway i put light on and was a strawberry omg lmao dog had picked it up jumped on me bed and left it lmao what you found strange in your bed lmao

2007-08-11 05:54:35 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and smile while the world wonders how you did it."

Could someone explain this to me?

2007-08-11 05:53:30 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

your name_______ what is the color of the sky, oppossite of down.
WHAT IS THE SENTENCE???

2007-08-11 05:37:02 · 14 answers · asked by Rachel Marie ♥ 4

There was an old lady named Grundy
who was a fanatical fundy.
In her house she kept crosses
and kischy colloses,
for the Rapture she waited for one day.

There was a fat white man named Karl Rove
who, to quite smoking sucked on a small clove.
He twisted opinion
for Bush's dominion,
While angels wept in heaven far above.

If you don't like the style of my verse,
I'm sure you can cry and me curse.
What I don't hear can't hurt me,
or even alert me,
so go right on & do your best worst.

2007-08-11 05:32:44 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Where do Librarians go on vacations?
lets make a top ten list
i wanted to see how creative you people could get

i had an answer i thought was good but thought you all could come up with more
there is no rite or wrong answer can be "punny"
good examples so far
they go to page island ,, lthey go to Liberia. bookhamas

2007-08-11 02:54:18 · 26 answers · asked by mobile auto repair (mr fix it) 7

Beth and her friends are out clubbing one Friday night when she meets a handsome guy by the bar. They talk, connect, and end up leaving together. When they get back to his place, he shows her around his apartment.

One odd thing she notices is that an entire wall of his bedroom is devoted to a collection of stuffed toys arranged on shelves. The bottom shelf contains lots of small stuffed animals. The next shelf up contains slightly larger ones, and so on, all the way up to the top shelf, which contains gigantic teddy bears.

Beth is a little surprised that a man would have such a sizable collection of stuffed animals but she decides not to be judgemental. In reality, she is actually impressed that he is willing to show his sensitive side to someone he just met.

One thing leads to another and before long they are making love.

The next morning, after a night of intense passion, she wakes up next to him. As she notices him waking up also, she rolls over and asks, smiling, "was it good for you, too?" The man shrugs and tells her she can have any prize she likes from the bottom shelf.

2007-08-11 01:20:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time
it was to set it to?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"

Have a stunning weekend all...

2007-08-10 22:48:07 · 3 answers · asked by unity 3

Beth and her friends are out clubbing one Friday night when she meets a handsome guy by the bar. They talk, connect, and end up leaving together. When they get back to his place, he shows her around his apartment.

One odd thing she notices is that an entire wall of his bedroom is devoted to a collection of stuffed toys arranged on shelves. The bottom shelf contains lots of small stuffed animals. The next shelf up contains slightly larger ones, and so on, all the way up to the top shelf, which contains gigantic teddy bears.

Beth is a little surprised that a man would have such a sizable collection of stuffed animals but she decides not to be judgemental. In reality, she is actually impressed that he is willing to show his sensitive side to someone he just met.

One thing leads to another and before long they are making love.

The next morning, after a night of intense passion, she wakes up next to him. As she notices him waking up also, she rolls over and asks, smiling, "was it good for you, too?" The man shrugs and tells her she can have any prize she likes from the bottom shelf.

2007-08-10 21:48:59 · 12 answers · asked by Life's a beach 4

Traveling on the train
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."

2007-08-10 21:40:26 · 16 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

im looking for a very very unique tongue twister....

and i dont know anyone who loves making tongue twisters.....

can anybody give me some unique tongue twister???

thanks

2007-08-10 21:35:57 · 20 answers · asked by ladysamuraikezia 1

They are stopped by the police
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

2007-08-10 21:34:56 · 8 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open

The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old!

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds

Queen Elizabeth I regarded herself as a paragon of cleanliness. She declared that she bathed once every three months, whether she needed it or not

Slugs have 4 noses.

Owls are the only birds who can see the colour blue.

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years!

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

The average person laughs 10 times a day!

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain

STAR if you like them

2007-08-10 20:24:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous