What is your best joke ever?

Question

A blonde walked by a rail road track and saw a redhead jumping up and down on it shouting 38...38...38... and the blonde joins in but as a train came the red head jumped off
the train flattened the blonde.
The red head got back on and started shouting 39...39...39.....

What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After 10 years your job still sucks(sorry bad one... but oh well!)

How can you tell an old man?
answer: it isn't hard!!!

Answer 1

This woman tells her husband."The car has a flat tire"
"Does it look like I have 'Firestone' stamped on my forehead?" he replied."Ugh" she walked out of the room.
The next day when her husband walked in from work she said."The dish washers down."
"Does it look like I have 'Whirlpool' stamped on my forehead?"he replied.Again she just left the room.
The next day her husband came home and saw that the flat tire was fixed and the washing machine was operating perfectly.
The husband asked,"Hey,how did you manage to fix the tire and the washing machine?
"The guy next door told me he'd fix em both but only if I gave him some head...OR.... if I baked him a cake", she replied.
"So....ah... what kinda cake did ya bake him?" he asked her.
"WHAT,does it look like I have 'Betty Crocker' stamped on my forehead !?"

Answer 2

Shopping in New York City ...

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs". The second floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs and Love Kids". The third floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking."

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
At the fourth floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework."

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak." She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: "You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. It too has six floors. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Answer 3

Fella was driving down Virginia Beach Blvd the other day and when he came up on the Rosemont Rd. intersection, the light was just turning yellow and everyone ran through the intersection...except the nimrod in front of him. The guy STOPPED and of course our hero slammed into the back of him. The door flies open and this midget jumps out and stomps up to our hero and screams, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!"
Our hero calmly looks down and asks...
"WELL THEN, WHICH ONE ARE YOU?"

Answer 4

I read this in a book, and I am retelling it as best I can:

Adam and Eve were screwing in the Garden of Eden. God saw them and asked Adam what they were doing. Adam said they were screwing. So God asked where Eve was, and Adam says she's gone done to the river to take a bath. God says, "Oh no, the fish will smell like that forever."

Answer 5

A school teacher had just read her kindergarten class "Chicken Little". Trying to open their minds, she started asking the questions.
"So class, what do you think the farmer thought when Chicken Little told him the sky was falling?"
Immediately a little girl in the back of the class raised her hand. The teacher picked her and she answered,
"Holy sh!t! A talking chicken!!"

Answer 6

OK, try this one...

"A Romantic Encounter"

I was in the bread section of the grocery store when I was minding my own business working on what was, for me at least, a rather difficult decision. I was trying to make up my mind between buying a loaf of white bread, or a loaf of whole wheat bread. Now while working on this impossible for myself to figure out decision, I was approached by an absolutely beautiful woman who comes up to me, introduces herself to me, and before I knew it, she was making all sorts of amorous flirtatious advances towards me. I mean to say this woman was flirting with me BIG TIME. Not wanting to be one to get on her bad side, I said to her"Sweetheart, what in the world are you up to?" And she said"I can't help it baby, I'm really going for you. In fact, I think I'm in love with with you!" I said to her"That's real sweet of you, but haven't you already got a boyfriend?" And she said"As a matter of fact I have ten boyfriends." And I said "Did you say you have ten boyfriends?" And she said "That's right, I said I have ten boyfriends." And I said "All told?" And she said "No, no all of them." And I said "I don't understand, what do you mean?" And she said "Well, one kept his mouth shut!"

Answer 7

A man walks into a bar...ouch!

Corny I know,

My favorite movie saying that is kinda a joke, from A night at the Roxbury

Is your name tattoo, are you seeing planes, 'cause I swear to god you'r living on fansty island!

Answer 8

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the tub, I'm dwownin'.

Answer 9

my best joke i've heard was on wild n' out. It's funny, but it is offensive...

Question "what's the first thing a woman does as soon as she get's out of the battered shelter????"

Answer: (Make fist) She does the dishes if she knows whats good for her!

Answer 10

The MIRROR