Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

- You have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."
- You take a six-pack cooler to church.
- Your family tree has no forks.
- You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
- You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
- You use a weedeater in your living room.
- You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison

2007-08-14 09:53:06 · 7 answers · asked by sph 3

put that cat down, and get us a coffee.....O' HELLO! what you lot laughing at,"out my seat,!"
nemises you still going through your mid life crises,
you've been going through more changes, than ozzy ozborne.

2007-08-14 09:32:41 · 22 answers · asked by "!" 5

An old woman had 3 daughters. One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.


One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.

The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.

The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"

Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.

The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.

The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"

The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same. But that guy didn't respond to her cries for help and didn't move a single step to save her.

The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.

The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings ...

"Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law!!!"

2007-08-14 09:30:59 · 17 answers · asked by myturn 4

Two Polacks were driving east across the country. When they
got to Texas they saw a sign that read "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD,"
so when they got to the filling station, they pulled in, got out of their car, and started cleaning the restrooms!

As they traveled further east, they found it difficult to make any progress because there were so many "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" signs along the way.

When they finally arrived in Alabama, they came across a sign
that read "WANTED!!! Two Mexican males for rape!"

The two Polacks looked at each other and thought, "Damn! those
Mexicans get all the good jobs!"

2007-08-14 09:29:48 · 4 answers · asked by mysticalviking 5

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,

"And Mary rode Joseph's a55 all the way to Bethlehem."

2007-08-14 09:19:42 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

tricky "my magic watch tells me you aren't wearing any underwear."
beach_babe "well your 'magic watch' is wrong"
tricky "I'm sorry, it must be 10 minutes fast"


You must work for the post office. I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.





gloves are off

2007-08-14 09:12:41 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

funny joke



Intelligence Test Instructions:
Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference! You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you ready? What is the time?

Start.


1) Some months have 30 days,some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? ____________________
2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? ____________________

3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm? ____________________

4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?____________________

5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left? ___________________

2007-08-14 09:12:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

2007-08-14 08:15:27 · 31 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!

Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that?
Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday!

Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here!

Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age?
Pupil: The sausage!

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
A: Because his class was so bright!

Q: Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
A: He couldn't control his pupils!

Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to?
Pupil: Nobody I know!

STAR if funny

2007-08-14 07:38:52 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-14 07:35:11 · 47 answers · asked by insane_czr 1

What's the best way to brush your hare?

2007-08-14 07:24:52 · 5 answers · asked by Flip-Flop Crazy Girl 4

what's green and smells like pork?



A; Kermit's finger

2007-08-14 07:08:13 · 13 answers · asked by white_funny_girl 3

What do u add to 9 to give u 6? Star me if u are stumped. Clue... Its not a negative number.

2007-08-14 07:06:48 · 5 answers · asked by Diablo69er 3

I lie awake waiting for you

As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you lay
on my naked body...

You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without
any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while you drained
me.

Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone.

I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last
night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it
harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... .




you f*cking... mosquito.

2007-08-14 07:03:55 · 12 answers · asked by Don, '80's Connoisseur 4

Can you name the town that has a population of only 11 people...?

2007-08-14 06:52:57 · 12 answers · asked by Matsukaze 3

Defination of a doctor-
A PERSON WHO CURES YOU ILL BY PILL AND KILL U BY HIS BILL......


SON: Dad,have u ever been to EGYPT?
FATHER:No,Why do u ask that?
SON: Well,where did u get this MUMMY then?



JUDGE:Do u have any last wish before u r hanged?
PRISONER:Yes, your Honour.I want to eat some mangoes.
JUDGE:But it is not a mango season.
PRISONER:Never mind i will wait....!!!!!



POLICEMAN: Have u ever worked?

THIEF: Yes

POLICEMAN: Where?

THIEF:Here and there

POLICEMAN:Doing what?

THIEF:That and this...

POLICEMAN: When?

THIEF: Now and then

POLICEMAN: Lock him up.......!!!!!!!

THIEF: When will they release meee????

POLICEMAN: Soon or later....!!!!



COUSTOMER: what a nasty food...!!!!! Even donkeys don't like such stuff....!!!
WAITER:how do u know,sir....??????


TEACHER: correct the sentence. ''A bull and a cow r grazing in the field''....
RON: cow & a bull r grazing in the field.
TEACHER:How?
RON: Ladies first...!!!!

2007-08-14 06:44:07 · 18 answers · asked by Sana 3

2007-08-14 05:54:32 · 12 answers · asked by Graham M 2

What's the difference between an epileptic oysterman and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits...

2007-08-14 04:41:55 · 2 answers · asked by slackerface1331 2

okay, what does this mean???
well i was in the store the other day and this guy walked up to me and asked me for money and a toothbrush. he didn't look like a hobo but he asked me for those things. i don't get it. he wasn't with anyone. but after he saw my face he walked away reallllllly sloww.

2007-08-14 04:01:22 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman gives birth to 2 daughters who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same month of the same year. But they were not twins and she had no access to a time machine.

How could this be?

2007-08-14 03:49:43 · 14 answers · asked by fire_fall_now 2

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack him again!"

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

2007-08-14 03:42:36 · 9 answers · asked by Andy 3

a bloke holds a party where each guest has to come dressed as an emotion. 1st guest arrives painted green with 'n' and 'v' across his chest "im green with envy" he says
a woman arrives in pink body stocking with feathers around her bits "im tickled pink!" she says
next, 2 guests are irish, 1 with his p***s in a bowl of custard and the other with his in a pear. the host is shocked and asked wat they have comer as.
"well oim fukn discustard and mick has *** in dispear!"

2007-08-14 03:14:23 · 7 answers · asked by white_funny_girl 3

It is fat like a hog. It eats like a hog, splashing the food out and around. It has several big fat chins, like a hog. It makes faces, like a hog. It walks like a hog! It has large fat red snout, like a hog!
It's greedy like a hog.
It talks! It drinks beer! It stares at girls! It says bad words!

2007-08-14 02:45:18 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch, he said. How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

2007-08-14 02:18:54 · 13 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"

STAR if funny

2007-08-14 01:44:00 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

2007-08-14 00:18:47 · 6 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

A blonde was playing trivial putsuit one night, when it came to her turn she rolled the dice, moved the counter and landed on "science and nature.'' her question was, "If your in a vacuum and someone calls yer name, can you hear it?" She thought for a while and asked, "Is it on or off?"

2007-08-14 00:15:16 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-13 23:41:13 · 13 answers · asked by Pearl 3

The New York phone book had 22 hitler names listed prior to world war 2 and none after

Tea bags were first launched in the 1920s

The most common surname in America is smith, followed by Johnson and Williams

It is unlawful to lend yer vacuum cleaner to yer next-door-neighbour in Denver, Colorado

If 80% of yer liver was removed the remaining part would continue to function. within a few months the liver would also have reconstituted itself to its original size

If hot water is suddenly poured into a glass, that glass is more likely to break if its thick than if it is thin. that is why test-tubes are made of thin glass

The James Bond author Ian Flemming also wrote the children's novel "Chitty chitty bang bang"

The very first book about plastic surgery was written in 1597

2007-08-13 23:14:10 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Nachos are the food most craved by american mothers to be

the odds against hitting the jackpot on a fruit machine are 889-1

there are more than 200 types of barbie doll

38 US states still have the death penalty

45.5% of all murders occur as a direct result of arguments between family and freinds

Until about age 12, boys cry about as often as girls

Throughout history the most destructive disease is malaria. more than 1.5 million people die of malaria every year

the common cold will delay a childs growth for the duration of the cold

your brain is more active when you're asleep, than when you watch television

the thirteenth of the month falls on a friday more than any other day of the week

In India, people are legally allowed to marry a dog

2007-08-13 22:59:45 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous