Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

1. Can i get a bigger cell?
2. Where's the menu?
3. (to guard) I bet that gun doesn't work.
4. Can I leave now?
5. I'm going to tell on you
6. I think i deserve more outside time
7. Am I inmate of the month?
8. I don't like you
9. Hurry up with the food!
10. Can I make some suggestions about the prison?

Funny or not?

2007-08-15 08:16:17 · 16 answers · asked by Soul Crusher 2

A blonde goes home from the doctors to find her husband waiting anxiously. "Well" asks husband,” What did he say is wrong with you?" The blonde replied "Nothing really but he did compliment me on my *****". "WHAT" shouted the husband outraged "He said I have a really nice *****" said the blonde "Right" said the husband "I'm not putting up with this", and storms off down to the surgery to have words with the doctor about his behavior. The man barges into the doctor’s surgery and demands "What do you think your doing? My wife comes in to see you and all you can do is perv at her body and compliment her on her *****! The doctor replies "I said no such thing, I told her she has acute angina!"

2007-08-15 08:10:32 · 4 answers · asked by myturn 4

when is dutch 3 coming out it is long overdue

2007-08-15 07:56:23 · 5 answers · asked by kit kat 3

she needs shock obsorbers for her toilet seat!

2007-08-15 07:39:19 · 8 answers · asked by Balrog 2

A Bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says:"Do you have trouble with sh*t sticking to your fur"? The rabbit says no, so the bear wipes his *** with the rabbit.
Sorry if you've heard it, but I'm sure some haven't.

2007-08-15 07:28:46 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE FIRST RIGHT ANSWER GETS THE BEST ANSWER!

2007-08-15 07:21:50 · 11 answers · asked by Sharayah 2

heres the joke......
a guy just bought a new wrist watch and is on top of a building. He takes it off and starts to look at it, then he dropes it of the building. he runs down the stairs and out the building and put his hands up to catch it. On lookers ask " why do u have ur hand up like ur gona catch something?" he says "i droped my watch off of that building and im waiting for it" the people respond "well wouldn't it b on the floor?" (looking around).
He says "NO its 5 minutes slow"

2007-08-15 07:15:46 · 97 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am looking for the little deely jigger that is used to repair a doohickey with red and blue doowaps on it..Could anyone tell me where I might find one and how to use the flinglemadoodle? It would be appreciated! Best Answer is awarded 10

2007-08-15 06:33:08 · 7 answers · asked by AnswersGuru 3

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

2007-08-15 06:19:42 · 36 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

What is my favorite food out of all of these?

I like ramen, kimchi, strawberries, grapes, candy, potatoes, vegetables, pears, onions, basic meat, oranges, apples, ice cream, fishes, sour stuff, vinegar, rice, some squid, bread, loaf bread, honey, bananas, milk, peaches, cherries, miso, soup, water, soda, chili sauce, hot sauce, ketchup, chinese food, sandwiches, grapefruit, water.

First one who guessed my favorite food right gets to be the correct answer!

only one answer (food) per person

2007-08-15 06:18:17 · 21 answers · asked by Nina is here! :D 4

REAL QUESTIONS ASKED IN SCIENCE CLASSES

Are the rivers flowing up the mountain or down the mountain?

Is that the ocean? (Asked while on a field trip to Marine Lab Beach on Guam (a small island in the Pacific).

How can the river be flowing north? That's uphill!

How can mass wasting be an agent of landscape formation on the Moon? The Moon has no gravity!

How do I get water into this beaker?

2007-08-15 06:15:12 · 5 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

one of the lions says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

2007-08-15 06:07:51 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

The man who made it…didn't want it.
The man who bought it…didn't need it.
The man who used it…didn't know.

What is it?

2007-08-15 05:58:07 · 11 answers · asked by kc 2

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

2007-08-15 05:30:33 · 6 answers · asked by RAW DIVA™ 5

Ex-President (Gawd there's a day to look forward to) George W.Bush is standing in an airport queue when he sees a man in long flowing robes and sporting a long white beard and hair carrying a staff. He calls over to him "Hey fella are you Moses.?" the man politely ignores him but Bush will not be ignored (as usual) and again he shouts "Hey fella are you Moses.?" again the man ignores him but Bush is determined and goes over to the man and asks "ARE YOU MOSES.?" the guy sighs and says "Well yes but I don't want to talk to you." Bush is confused and asks why, the guy replied "The last time I talked to a Bush I spent 40yrs wandering the desert."

2007-08-15 03:07:13 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she
knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're
a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went
back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he
approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th,
you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked
her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady
sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a
drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and
asked

her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was
in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, "If I told you, you
would only laugh." "No, I wouldn't," he said. She said, "I sell tampons."

2007-08-15 02:32:04 · 19 answers · asked by little kitty 3

A Great Scottish joke!!!?
Years ago during the invasion of Scotland, hundreds of English soldiers were lined up ready to invade the Scottish borders.
Then suddenly over the hilltop appeared a lone Scot, shouting come on, come and get me.
The English Leader quite outraged ordered one of his men to go and sort him out.
Minutes later lots of screams and yells were heard, then silence.
Up on the hilltop the lone Scot re-appears shouting come on, come and get me.
The English leader this time sends 10 men to sort him out.
Lots of screams and yells again are heard then silence.
The lone Scot appears back on the hilltop again shouting for someone to come and get him.
This time the English leader who is by now fuming mad sends 100 men.
Again lots of screams, clashing of swords, then silence, then over the hill appears an Englishman, covered in blood, he staggers down the hill, it's a trick he stammers, there's two of them.
It's an oldie, sorry if you heard it before!!

2007-08-15 02:12:44 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

2007-08-15 01:43:34 · 17 answers · asked by Jim 7

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "

2007-08-15 01:37:27 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2007-08-15 00:46:05 · 22 answers · asked by noruleschris 4

Ok, this is not excatly a riddle but kind of one. I don't know the answer to this. 21st March, 21st June, 22nd September and 22nd December have all been given special names. What are the special names??? and why were they given such special names??? It's got something to do with geography but i don't know exactly what.

2007-08-15 00:45:13 · 6 answers · asked by Yuppy kid! =P Roxzzz.... 2

On the first day of the new college term/year, the dean was addressing the students pointing out the rules.
The male dorm is out of bounds to all female students, and the female dorm is out of bounds to all male students. Anyone caught breaking these rules will be liable to fines. Being caught the first time will result in a fine of $20, the second time will incur a fine of $60, should you be caught 3 times, you will be fined $180, are there any questions?
DAGGER raised her hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

2007-08-15 00:16:24 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-15 00:02:56 · 12 answers · asked by tone 4

...and he's got this dog...

2007-08-14 23:52:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."
She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore."
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.
"Calm yourself" he whispered
"His face filled with a grin
"Try and open wider
So I can get it in."
"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I'm having this."
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while."
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!

2007-08-14 23:49:17 · 10 answers · asked by punk'n'pretty 3

The happy murcia and nemesis got to talking in doctor Bullbusbutt's waiting room and discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other a green ring.The happy murcia with the red ring was examined first. In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said "Don't worry man. it's nothing."
Vastly releived, Nemesis went into the examination room, only to be told a few minutes later by dr. bullbusbutt. "I'm very sorry, but you have a very bad case of venerial desease and your penis will have to be amputated."
Turning white as a sheet, Nemesis gasped, "but the other guy said it was no big deal."
"Well you know" said dr bullbusbutt, "Theres a big difference between gangarine and lipstick

2007-08-14 23:41:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Out patient: A person who has fainted.


Pap Smear: A father hood test.


Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.


Post Operative: A letter carrier.


Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.


Rectum: Darn near killed him.


Secretion: Hiding something.


Seizure: Roman emperor.


Tablet: A small table.


Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.


Tumor: More than one.


Urine: Opposite of mine.


Varicose: Near by/close by.

STAR if you like them

2007-08-14 23:40:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-14 23:39:16 · 6 answers · asked by Bilal 1

Benign: What you be after you be eight


Bacteria: Back door to the cafeteria.


Barium: What doctors do when patients die.


Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome.


Catscan: Searching for kitty.


Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.


Colic: A sheep dog.


Coma: A punctuation mark.


D & C: Where Washington is.


Dilate: To live long.


Enema: Not a friend.


Fester: Quicker than someone else.


Fibula: A small lie.


G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball.


Hang nail: What you hang your coat on.


Impotent: Distinguished, well known.


Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.


Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.


Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.


Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.


Node: I knew it!

STAR if you like them

2007-08-14 23:38:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks,
"Do you have any turkey?"

The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only turkey and puts it on
the weighing scales. It weighs three kilogrammes.

The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you have
one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?"

The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out
again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb
on the turkey. The scales now show four kilogrammes.

"That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please."

2007-08-14 23:09:18 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous