Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A man is at a bar, having some drinks. After a couple hours he's pretty drunk and starts to feel like he's going to be sick. He rushes into the bathroom but doesn't quite make it to a sink in time and pukes all over his shirt. As he's slouched against the wall trying to clean his shirt off with wet paper towels, another man comes in the bathroom.

The drunk says to the other in a slurred voice, "Maaan my (hiccup) wife issh gonna (hiccup) kill me!"

The other man says to the drunk, "Listen, what you need to do is put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When you come home tell your wife that some drunk guy puked on you and gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning bill."

The drunk says, "Shay! Thas a great idea! Thans misser!"

The drunk finishes wiping the puke off his shirt and puts a twenty in his breast pocket. Feeling relieved about the situation and also feeling a little better, the man leaves the bathroom and has a couple more drinks.

2007-08-15 11:22:35 · 11 answers · asked by horizon 4

A lady goes to her priest one day and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, and then, he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that horrible thing-in no time at all."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution to my
problem."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

2007-08-15 11:20:03 · 9 answers · asked by David B 2

"GESTAPO!"
"Gestapo who?"
"VE VILL ASK DER QVESTIONS!".

2007-08-15 11:12:14 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

She wanted to see what she looked like asleep

2007-08-15 10:59:03 · 25 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

How Do you fit 5 donkeys in a police car?

2 in the front
2 in the back
and 1 on the roof going Eeyore Eeyore

2007-08-15 10:55:55 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dr.'s myklia g & dagger are discussing the merits of the new nurse, smila.
"A good worker, but not overly bright" they agree, at which piont they're interupted by an agonised scream!

No you idiot, I said prick his boil!

2007-08-15 10:47:37 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

dont just say u would be dead............also how would u make it through the day

2007-08-15 10:45:49 · 5 answers · asked by GRAVEDANCER 1

its a riddle

2007-08-15 10:43:43 · 13 answers · asked by williamsa80 1

2007-08-15 10:39:55 · 9 answers · asked by bob 3

An 85 year old man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up.
After examining him, the doctor proclaims him in excellent health
for his age.
The man says, “Hey Doc, I need to ask you a question. When I was
25, I would wake up with a hard on like a steel pipe - I couldn’t
turn that thing with both hands!”
”Yes”, said the doctor, “That is normal for that age.”
”And,” said the old guy, “When I was 50, I could turn it with one
hand.”
”Yes, that happens.” said the doctor.
”Now”, said the old guy, “I can bend it with one finger!”
”That’s normal for your age.” replied the doc.
“But Doc”, said the old fellow, “When am I going to stop getting
stronger?”

2007-08-15 10:21:20 · 7 answers · asked by myturn 4

Fidgetyfingers is cleaning her 12 year old son Nemesis,s bedroom when she finds a series of bondage and fetish mags.
She shouts for her husband smila to come and see.
fidget yells, "What the hell am i supposed to do about this lot?"
smila says, "I don't know, but whatever you do, don't spank him."

2007-08-15 10:06:06 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Pubs Back Home


Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
back home in Glascow. there's a little bar called
McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

Ahhhhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back home in
Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to
you?" "Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman....

"But it did happen to me sister.

2007-08-15 09:59:00 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES?

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

CHeeRioS

2007-08-15 09:55:04 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

On a first come, first serve basis!

2007-08-15 09:52:25 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's not the "bad" word

2007-08-15 09:49:01 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....."Back off!" she said, they're for the funeral."

2007-08-15 09:46:57 · 23 answers · asked by "!" 5

Husband and wife make up a password for sex and decide on Washing Machine. They go to bed and the husband says "washing machine" wife says "not tonight , i've got a headache."
Half an hour goes by and she feels guilty so she says "washing machine"
Her husband replies "It's too late, it was only a small load so i done it by hand"

2007-08-15 09:45:34 · 10 answers · asked by Lol's 4

Skybluecarp is struggling with a jigsaw, and asks for help.
"It's mean't to be a tiger!"


To which Nemesis replied!
"Put the ****ing frosties back in the box, you thick..........!"

2007-08-15 09:44:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A three year old boy called nemesis is examining his testicles in the bath.
"Mum," he says," are these my brains?"
His mother Myklia replies," not yet"

2007-08-15 09:43:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some jokes about certain types of people that I heard..not meant as cruel, I promise.


What's the difference between a cheerleader and a bag of trash?

Answer- The bag of trash get's taken out at least once a week.


Why do Auburn students keep their diplomas in their dashboard?

Answer- So they can park in a handicapped spot.


Why did Georgia cancel it's home game with Alabama?

Answer- The Georgia Cheerleaders ate the grass off the field.

2007-08-15 09:38:58 · 5 answers · asked by Music. Is. Pride. 3

2007-08-15 09:21:01 · 33 answers · asked by Tland 3

A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000.The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security
for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce
parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the
bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives
the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had
your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks
for 15 bucks?"

2007-08-15 09:17:01 · 28 answers · asked by Guevara 2

A young woman goes to confession. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned, she says. "Last night, my boyfriend, Gunners, made love to me seven times."
"My child," replies the priest, "You must go home and suck the juice of seven lemons."
"And will that absolve me?" asks the woman.
"No" replies the priest. "But it might take that smug look off your face."

2007-08-15 08:57:50 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard singing "Ave Maria" and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They are the Moron Tapanapple Choir."

2007-08-15 08:57:21 · 15 answers · asked by "!" 5

An Oirish story,
An Irishman goes to the doctor and said he had a pain in his back side.
The doctor took a look and pulled out a £50 note.It still hurts said the man, so the doctor looked again and pulled out another £50.
This went on for some time and eventually the man said oh that feel much better doctor, tell me how much was there altogether.
£1990 said the doctor.
Ah said the man :
---------
I KNEW I DIDNT FEEL TOO GRAND

2007-08-15 08:57:04 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Even though it was hot He was wearing a fox fur hat,

When the mayor asked why he replied

"It was mothers idea, when I told her I was coming to visit

Tadley she said" Wear the fox hat!"

2007-08-15 08:54:20 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes and a 500g jar of coffee.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

2007-08-15 08:54:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Subject: Family Dinner
>A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have
>dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl
>announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and
>make love for the first time .....
>
>The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to
>the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
>time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
>everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
>At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
>buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
> The boy insists on the family
>pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
>all.
>That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
>girlfriend at the door.
> "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
>The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
>parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
>A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
> 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20
>minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
>boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
>The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
>pharmacist."
>

2007-08-15 08:48:13 · 10 answers · asked by edawg2362 2

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!


2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! "

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here. "

2007-08-15 08:46:00 · 5 answers · asked by Flip-Flop Crazy Girl 4

One morning a husband took a pair of his underwear out of the drawer. "What the hell?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he took them out. "Honey," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put baby powder in my underwear?" She answered "It's not Baby Powder.....It's Miracle Grow"

2007-08-15 08:35:40 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous