Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

One night, a man barges into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and stands in front of his wife.

"Look! This is the dog i have to screw whenever you claim to have a headache" he shouts.

The wife looks at him, both shocked and confused. "But thats a sheep under your arm"

"I wasnt talking to you..."

2007-08-16 12:10:09 · 47 answers · asked by thatsnotevenaquestion 4

The BEST Divorce Letter EVER!!!!

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today, and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straight to sleep after watching all your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want to
have sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I am gone.

Your EX - Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It is true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week. The first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a girl!", but my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say anything nice.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating steak seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your new silk boxers were $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So, when I discovered that I had hit the lottery for Ten Million Dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Rich and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born CARL. I hope that's not a problem.

Change is good.

2007-08-16 12:00:37 · 51 answers · asked by David 6

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me sweetie over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, *****."

2007-08-16 11:27:41 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a blonde that is trying to find a job and she went into a job

Service and asked if she could get a job. They said that they had a

Job opening for painting rural roads lines. The next day she got a

Call and the guy asked if she could start the job today. She went to

Work and when she got there the boss was telling her that you need

To paint at least 2 miles. So she went out and started painting lines

On the road.

When she finished for the day she went back to the guy to see how

Well she done. The guy said good you painted 4 miles. The next

Day she came to work and started painting and finished the day and

Went to see how good she done. The guy said your ok but you only

Painted 2 miles today do better tomorrow. The next day she came

To work and she finished the day and she went to talk to the guy

And he asked her why she only painted 1 mile today. She said

"Well everyday I keep getting farther and farther


Away from the bucket."

2007-08-16 11:26:42 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought to himself, "Great. He's four and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

2007-08-16 11:24:20 · 27 answers · asked by Bio Hazard 4

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'"

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2," hard bodied, well hung, a male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God."

2007-08-16 11:15:06 · 15 answers · asked by KaShae 4

I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how it goes...
I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry...
BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack...
BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes. Now where is the checkbook? Oops... there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook...
BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away...
BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants...
BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.
END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help...
BUT FIRST... I think I'll check my e-mail.

2007-08-16 11:09:08 · 28 answers · asked by "!" 5

A man went to the dentist because his tooth was hurting. The dentist told him after the examination that he needed a root canal. The man replied, "O.K. lets do it."
The dentist told him he will feel a pinch when he gives him the shot of the numbing agent.
The man says, "No, Doc, I am allergic to that."
The doctor tells him, "O.K., then, we'll give you nitrous oxide."
The man says, "I am allergic to the gas."
So, then the doctor gives him two pills with a glass of water and the man takes it. The doctor comes back in 10 minutes and the man says, "Doc, will those two blue pills kill the pain?"
The doctor replies, "No, that was Viagra."
The man says, "Viagra? I don't need that! What's that going to do for me?"
The doctor replies, "Well, it'll give you something to hang onto."

2007-08-16 10:50:54 · 25 answers · asked by pd6491 2

We work in a warehouse and I need revenge. He got me today and went to far. My turn. Any sugestions?

2007-08-16 10:45:26 · 4 answers · asked by runninwithscissors69 2

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete *** of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an idiot," Bob said. "Piss on him!" "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said Bob. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."

2007-08-16 10:34:09 · 18 answers · asked by puma 4

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around,
Looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as
a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you
that he's watching you"
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

2007-08-16 10:29:59 · 15 answers · asked by richard_beckham2001 7

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of
execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last
minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out
and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is
cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself
a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by
the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband,
bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,'
she said, to which he whirled around and screamed, ' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

2007-08-16 10:15:30 · 10 answers · asked by Kim 5

2007-08-16 10:11:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some people marvel at what's holding it up while other wish it would fall.

2007-08-16 10:06:05 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Health Plan
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

�Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

2007-08-16 09:56:27 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A koala was sitting in a gum tree... Smoking a joint



When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
"Hey, Koala! What are you doing?"



The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
Where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry"
And that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned
That he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and
Helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile
That he was sitting in the tree,
Smoking a joint with the koala,
"Got too stoned and then fell into the river
While taking a drink."

The crocodile said that he had to check this out
And walked into the rain forest,
Found the tree where the koala was sitting
Finishing a joint.
The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"



So the koala looked down at him and said,


"Shiiiiiiit dude... How
Much water did you drink??"

2007-08-16 09:46:45 · 9 answers · asked by Kim 5

Johnny wanted to have "sex" with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.Johnny said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up. "She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down."So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.She responded, "The creep used coins!"

STAR if funny.

2007-08-16 09:38:04 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Single woman come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married woman come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Why did God invent alcohol? So fat chicks can get laid too.

The best way to lose weight is to stuff your face while standing naked in front of a mirror - the restaurant will sling you out before you can swallow too much.

To help her husband lose weight she stopped him eating between meals - she hid his false teeth.

He tried to run away from home when he was a kid, but the fridge was too heavy.

A man is standing on the bathroom scales desperately sucking in his stomach. 'That's not going to help' says his wife. 'Yes it will,' replies the man. 'It's the only way I can see the numbers'

A woman sits opposite a fat man on a bus and can't help making a comment. 'If that stomach was on a woman i'd think she was pregnant' The fat man replied. 'It was and she is'

2007-08-16 09:35:17 · 18 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Girl: "Does your mum like shopping on the Internet?"
Boy: "No, her trolley keeps rolling off the top of the computer."

Cheers and have a nice week ahead :)

2007-08-16 09:28:09 · 15 answers · asked by Larry L - Hi Everyone :D 6

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to
the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to
inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does
not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get
rid
of some of this damn money."
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this b*tch giving you a hard time?"

2007-08-16 09:24:45 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Superman is flying around looking for some crime to stop. He is flying over a beach when he spots WonderWoman lying naked on the beach with her legs open. He thinks about it for a while, then decides that he can fly down really quick, bang her, then fly off before she even notices. This is exactly what he does, then flies off with a smile. WonderWoman sits up and says "What the hell was that?!" The invisible man says "I don't know, but my *** hurts!!!!"

2007-08-16 09:20:06 · 7 answers · asked by bigdaddy_x8 3

Once a blonde was extreamly confused because...
..she thought a quarterback was a refund.
..she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
..she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
..she thought General Motors was in the army.
..she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
..she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
..under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
..she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
..she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
..when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.
..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
..she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
..if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
..she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

2007-08-16 09:11:07 · 10 answers · asked by Alice 3

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter, "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded."

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?" he responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

2007-08-16 09:07:19 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a blonde, brunnete & a redhead.
They all had to swim 20 miles to reach their destination
first was the brunnete. she swam 10, 13, 14 and was too tired to carry on so she drowned.
Then there was the redhead.
She swam 10, 14 , 15 and was too tired and stopped & drowned.
Then there was the blonde,
(even though im blonde i find it rather funny)
She swam 10, 13, 16, 18 miles
and was too tired to carry on.
So she swam back again.

2007-08-16 08:57:44 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop. “Oh no!” cried the brunette. “Is he following me?” “Yep,” replied the blonde.

“I’m going to drive down this little side road, okay?” said the brunette. “Yep,” replied the blonde.

“Is the cop still following me?” “Yep.”

“Are his lights on?” “Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope…”

2007-08-16 08:57:02 · 3 answers · asked by Ting 4

guess before looking:


































































Idol Chit-Chat

2007-08-16 08:54:18 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war
party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In
honor
of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But,
before I
kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that
evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What
is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

2007-08-16 08:51:26 · 10 answers · asked by nothing 5

THE WASH CLOTH

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

But early on Monday morning, I received a call from his office to tell
me that my appointment had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30AM.

I had just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was
already around 8:45 AM. Since the trip to his office would take
about 35 minutes,

I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a
little extra effort
over hygiene when making such visits, but this
time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I
rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was
sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that
area" to make sure I was at least presentable.

I then threw the washcloth in the hamper, donned some clothes,
hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting
room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the
procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked
over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or
some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we've made an
extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the exam, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of
the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.


After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called
out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her
to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had
all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.

2007-08-16 08:51:12 · 10 answers · asked by stefani h 4

and there was a snail looking up at him
"have you got a drink of water please"
"p...ss off "says the bloke and kicks him down the bottom of the garden
3 weeks later theres another knock at the door,the bloke answers and theres the snail again looking up at him and says
"wat dya do that for?"

2007-08-16 08:45:36 · 10 answers · asked by ottenham dave 1

2007-08-16 08:36:23 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous