Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A guy is having a drink
in a bar. He leans over to the big woman
next to him and says,
"Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something.Sure, I'm blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lbs. and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder.
The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6' 2" and 220 lbs;
she's an ex-pro wrestler.Next to her is a blonde who's 6' 5",weighs 250 lbs., and she's a kick boxer professional.
Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The guy blinks, swallows, and thinks about it for a second
then says; "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."!

2007-08-16 22:18:05 · 12 answers · asked by raindrops 5

Rabbit and bear did not like each other at all... one day they coincidentally met and thought it would be a good idea to stroll thru the forest together so that they could try 2 get 2 know @ other. Deep in the forest they met a fairy that told them that @ had 3 wishes... The bear being foolish wished that all other bears in the forest were female living only him being the male and it was done.
When it came to the rabbits turn he thought for a while and wished 4 a helmet.
The bear thought this stupid but never the less continued 2 his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the CoUnTrY were female and it was done.
It was the rabbits turn, wished for a motor cycle and 1 appeared he then got on it and started the engine.
Bear told rabbit that he should make good use on his 3rd wish bcoz all he had wished 4 was stupid and just wasting away.
Bear then thot 4 a while and wished that all the bears in the WORLD were female. and it was done..
When it came to rabbits turn........

2007-08-16 22:13:00 · 4 answers · asked by baby gal 3

2007-08-16 21:35:51 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tarzan gets into a huge fight with the lion in the jungle. the lion are defeated but not b4 it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye and d.i.c.k.
Of course Tarzan's jungle friends help him out with by giving him the parts he nids.

The eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla andan elephant trunk for a d.i.c.k. a while later, cheeta and chimp ask Tarzan how his new parts are working.

"Tarzan like with new eye, can see far. with new arm, Tarzan srong. But no like new wee wee"

Why is that?

"It kips taking weed and shoving in Tarzanz a.s.s!

Star if you like..........

2007-08-16 21:17:01 · 2 answers · asked by baby gal 3

George Bush was jogging in the park and preoccupied by current issues, he slipped and fell into the lake.
A young boy heard his cries for help and at great risk to himself, he dived in and saved him.
When he recovered, George said to the lad: "Boy, you saved my life. Anything you can name you can have"
"I don't want anything," said the boy "just don't tell my dad."

Star if you liked it, thanks

2007-08-16 20:57:41 · 4 answers · asked by Acm1991 2

Dagger and nemesis in an art gallery, find a picture of a naked woman with just a leaf covering her privates. dagger doesnt like it and moves on, but nemesis keeps gazing at it.
eventually dagger calls: "What are you waiting for?"
nemesis replies: "Autumn".

2007-08-16 20:45:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-16 19:27:16 · 22 answers · asked by sweetnbitter 3

Granny in Town ***
----------------------
Granny was visiting town for the first time. She checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him.

"Young man, I may be old, and straight from the hills, but that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid good money, and this room won't do at all! It's too small, and without proper ventilation! Why there's not even a bed!"

The bellhop looks at her and says, "Ma'am, this isn't your room, it's the elevator."

2007-08-16 18:37:33 · 33 answers · asked by ๏๓ รђคภtเ, รђคภtเ รђคภtเ ....... ! 7

2007-08-16 18:32:40 · 15 answers · asked by ♫amazing♫ 3

Nuns at the Hospital

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

2007-08-16 18:15:31 · 8 answers · asked by baby _girl_06 3

tell mewhat you think of this joke by giving me a star if its really funny and no star if its not that funny.

2007-08-16 18:11:25 · 6 answers · asked by baby _girl_06 3

Does anyone have any Star Wars jokes? No rude answers.

2007-08-16 17:39:12 · 19 answers · asked by tilly 3

a chemist discovered that a chemical reaction took 80 minutes to occur when he was wearing a wool jacket, but when he wasn't wearing the wool jacket the same reaction always took an hour and 20 minutes. can you explain this?

2007-08-16 15:43:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more
children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative, said the doctor, is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are
legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up
to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in
the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to
my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

( you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas,
Georgia, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia, Washington DC,
and Mt. Gilead NC

2007-08-16 14:43:12 · 10 answers · asked by J. Depp fan 2

like he had to lift his legs and place them down and when he actually did it it ended up being running.

2007-08-16 14:32:20 · 1 answers · asked by al8067 1

A doctor, an attorney and a biker....As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said "For her birthday im goin to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring, this way if she doesnt like the fur coat she will still love me because shes got a diamond ring...

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said "For my wifes birthday im goin to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet, this way if she doesnt like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.....

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey, he said "Im going to buy my wife a T Shirt and a vibrator this way if she doesnt like the T Shirt she can go F*CK HERSELF"!!

2007-08-16 14:09:28 · 19 answers · asked by ruthiebaby 2

You keep the ACE Hardware catalog with your other p*rnography.

You were always disappointed that the book Of Human Bondage wasn't.

Sticks & stones may break your bones, but that's an acceptable risk.

You read Andrea Dworkin for the p*rnography.

You call people other than your Father "Daddy."

Reading the word spanking makes you blush.

Your first, favorite scout badge was for knot tying.

You moved to Oregon so you could wear more raincoats.

Kitchen utensils are found in your bedroom.

Tack shops: Not just for equestrians anymore.

You own and use handcuffs, but aren't employed in law enforcement.

Your contracts involve punishments, but no money.

Your friends covet the bondage cross in your bedroom.

You hear about a Bridal Fashion Show to be held in your town, and you think, "Cool! I've always wanted to see what pony gear looks like ON someone!"

2007-08-16 13:42:19 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

its a riddle! http://chiwowwow.biz/blog/images/The%20Random%20Pancake.jpg get it right and i'll give you ten points
it doesn't look like a riddle, but it indeed is.

2007-08-16 13:27:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

So one day he goes along to the local morris dancing club.He says to the man in charge,"I would really like to become a morris dancer,how do I go about joining."
The man in charge says,"First of all you have to have an eligibility test,so drop your trousers."This the man does and he is standing there naked from the waist down.The morris dancer bends down and examines the man's privates.he says,"Sorry,but you can't join us as you have been circumcised."The man says,"Why,is that important"? The morris dancer says,"Oh yes, very important,If you want to become a morris dancer,you have to be a complete prick."

2007-08-16 13:25:25 · 22 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

Two business men in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon- to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious hill-billy from the south walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?"
One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here. Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, "Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!"

NEW YORKERS (God bless 'em) SHOULD NOT MESS WITH SOUTHERNERS.

2007-08-16 13:20:49 · 5 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

does england have the fourth of july?

2007-08-16 13:18:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

if you could meet the queen, Queen Elizabeth, and you only had one item to bring (just one) what would it be?

2007-08-16 13:12:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a sparrow. He pulled over, picked the poor sparrow who was still alive, but unconscious. He decided to take him home.
When the motorist got home, he put the sparrow in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside. When the sparrow came to, he looked around and said: "Bars, bread, water... Oh my God!! I have killed the motorist!!!"

2007-08-16 13:12:18 · 21 answers · asked by "!" 5

You opened it. Good luck.
Tonight at midnight, your true love will realize they love you. Something good will happen to you at 1:00 - 4:20 tomorrow, it could be anywhere. Get ready for the biggest shock of your life.
If you break the chain you will be cursed with relationship problems for the next 12 years. Post within 13 minutes
*Sorry, I need all the help I can get

2007-08-16 13:11:01 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ever mindful of their congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist. They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them.
When the dog was produced, the manager began giving it commands. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounced to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said, "Find Psalms 23". The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw.

Duly impressed, the preacher and his wife purchased the dog. That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed.

Finally, one man asked "Can the dog do normal dog tricks too?"

"Let's see" said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded, "Heel!"

2007-08-16 13:00:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

how to get some one back for tp-ing your house and i no its tping and know

2007-08-16 12:56:09 · 4 answers · asked by k 1

A preacher was on program at a district convention to preach for twenty minutes. The other preachers from the district were sitting behind him in the choir section, giving him moral support and throwing in an occassional "Amen" to help the preacher along. The preacher preached his twenty minutes and continued on despite alloted time. He preached for 30 minutes, then forty minutes and then for an hour. He even continued for an hour and ten minutes. Finally, a brother sitting on the front row took a song book and threw it at the preacher that was still going strong in his message. The preacher saw the song book as it was hurled his way and he ducked. The song book hit one of the preachers sitting in the choir section. As the man in the choir section was going down, you could hear him say, "Hit me again, I can still hear him preaching!"

2007-08-16 12:47:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

For all of the people that don't know what I'm doing, I (and some other people) have decided to start a thing where I write a fact of the day everyday. If you have a fact to share, then share it!

I got the fact(s) via email

A shrimp's heart is in its head.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

In every episode of Seinfeld, there is a Superman somewhere.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

2007-08-16 12:24:30 · 5 answers · asked by xoxox 5

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.

2007-08-16 12:21:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

heres a couple of celeberties names you can throw together and come up wiyh something like this...
Does Stevie Wonder if Lucille Ball to make Charlie Rich ? only if Helens Readdy.

A star for the stars how many can you come up with ?

2007-08-16 12:15:10 · 10 answers · asked by Susarella 2