Can someone tell me some "walked into a bar" jokes?

Answer 1

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

A ham, an egg, and a biscuit walk into a bar, The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

A string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't server strings. Take your business elsewhere."
The string goes into the next bar, same story.
Frustrated, he slips around the corner and throws himself on the pavement. Scruffed up, he contorts himself into a God-awful shape. Then he goes back into the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string I just threw out of here?"
The string replies; "I'm afraid not (a frayed knot)."
[Doesn't type well, but it's good spoken, in the bar, especially as a sight gag with the right contortions.]

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, drinks it, looks in his shirt pocket, and orders another. He repeats this ritual several times, and the bartender finally asks why he's looking in his shirt pocket.
"I keep a picture of my wife in there. When she starts to look good, I've had enough."

Answer 2

This one's a bit naughty... but anyway:

A man walks into a bar and notices a large jar full of coins on the counter. He orders himself a drink and then asks the barman what the jar of coins is for. The barman says "It's for anyone who can make my donkey laugh."

"Really?" says the man. "I'd like to give that a go."

"Donkey's through the back in the shed on the left" the barman said.

A few minutes later the barman can hear the donkey rolling around the shed floor in fits of laughter. The man walks back inside, picks up the jar of coins and walks out.

Months later the same man came back to the bar and noticed another jar of coins on the counter. He asks the barman what the jar of coins is for this time. The barman replied "it's for anyone who can make my donkey cry."

"I'd like to give that a go" said the man.

"Sure thing. Donkey's out the back in the shed on the left" said the barman.

Minutes later the barman can hear the donkey sobbing uncontrollably. The man walks back into the bar and picks up the jar of coins. Before he leaves the barman says "Hey buddy, do you mind if I ask how you did that?"

"Well," said the man, "the first time I told him that my old fella was bigger than his. The second time I showed him."

Answer 3

A bear walks into a bar, says to the bartender, "Give me a beer". Bartender says, "We don't serve bears here." "What do you mean you don't serve bears?" Bartender says, "Just what I said, we don't serve bears here." So the bear looks around for a moment and spots a woman at the end of the bar. He says, "Listen here barkeep, if you don't give me a beer right now I am going to eat that woman at the end of the bar." "Suit yourself", says the bartender. So the bear eats the woman and comes back to the bartender and says, "Now give my a beer if you know what's good for you!" Bartender piped up, "We don't serve drug addicts." "What in the world are you talking about? I'm a bear!" The bartender looked toward the end of the bar and said, "That was a BAR-B|TCH-U-ATE."

Answer 4

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that , he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Answer 5

This guy comes into a bar... walks to the bartender and says...” Bartender, I got a bet for you. I'll bet you $300 that I can piss... into that glass over there... and not spill a drop." The bartender looks at the glass. It's like 10 feet away. He says...”You're telling me you'll bet me $300... that you can piss, standing here... into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says: "That's right." Bartender says, "You've got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's thinking about the glass. He's thinking about the glass. Thinking about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. Then he lets it rip. He pisses all over the place. He pisses on the bar. He pisses on the stools, on the floor, the phone. On the bartender! He's pissing everywhere EXCEPT the f***ing glass! Bartender's laughing. He's $300 richer. He's like... piss dripping off his face. He says, "You ******* idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300... puta." Guy goes, "Excuse me just one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. There's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go. $300." The bartender's like...”Why are you so happy? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "See those guys over there? I just bet them $500 APIECE... that I could piss on your bar... your floor, your phone, and piss on you... and not only would you not be mad about it... you'd be happy."

Answer 6

a horse walks into a bar and orders a beer
the bartender asks "why the long face?"
ahha thats dumB

Answer 7

A man walks into a bar.....

His alcohol addiction is tearing his family apart

Answer 8

*Here's a naughty one !!!!

ATM Card ****
One day, three friends and I went to this "Gentlemans' Club."

One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.

Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.

Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute.....then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

Answer 9

Man: Where are you going?
Drunk: Into this here bar.
Man: Don't you know the devil follows you into that bar, makes you get drunk with that evil brew?
Drunk: If he follows me in, he buys his own drinks!

NOTE: My own creation.

Answer 10

an oldman walks into a bar and finds the biggest meanset looking biker. he goes up to him and says,, i sassed your mother and she enjoyed every minute of it! the biker says i think its time to go dad