Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

Q: Why wont cannibals eat clowns?

A: Because they taste funny.

2007-08-14 15:32:07 · 64 answers · asked by Rich M 3

I always believe I'll live forever. No-one's proved me wrong yet, and it's working so far.

And if I find out I'm wrong, I won't know about it.

2007-08-14 14:59:48 · 19 answers · asked by ? 3

2007-08-14 14:44:34 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need the funniest jokes you cam think of whoever has the funniest gets Best Answer.

2007-08-14 14:34:42 · 11 answers · asked by godess of chocolate 3

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church
and says to the Secretary, "I would like to join this damn
church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I
must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" I'm very
sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
tolerated in this Church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's
study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that
the secretary does not have to listen to that foul
language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old
geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200
million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn
church to get rid of some of this damn money. "

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this b*tch giving you a
hard time?"

2007-08-14 13:43:11 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

2007-08-14 13:27:37 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

shoes without laces
a nerd without braces
asentencewithnospaces

can you think of anymore that ryme?

2007-08-14 13:16:23 · 6 answers · asked by Dela 1

A nurse walk's past the room of a patient in a mental institution, and sees him sat on the end of the bed, arm's outrstretched and moving up and down."What are you doing, smila?" she ask's. "Driving to York," he replies. She smiles. "Okay have a nice trip!"
The next day, smila is still driving to York. "How are you going, smila?" she ask's. "Nearly there - only three miles to go," he replies. Walking down the hall, she sees another patient's door open. The man is naked, and doing press-ups on his bed with a hard on. "Nemesis, what are you doing?" she incredulously asks. He stop's and turns to her. "Sha**ing smila's wife while he's in York!"





(Risking a violation with this one) lol

2007-08-14 13:07:36 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

the 1st lady buys 2 bananas...so the 2nd asks her why she bought 2 when all they needed was one...so the 1st replies "Well we can eat the 2nd one you know"

2007-08-14 12:50:44 · 12 answers · asked by yo 2

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

2007-08-14 12:40:32 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

When will i build muscles like that guy over there...the trainer says maybe 12 months...he asks again "Ok when will i build legs like that guy over there" ...Trainer says 8 months... He asks again "When will i build my chest like that guy over there"...he says NEVER..... The guy gets depressed and asks why ... the trainer says "Look closely my Man....that guy is a Girl!!!!"

2007-08-14 12:26:58 · 14 answers · asked by yo 2

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone
can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because
the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.
By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the
top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes
to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter
and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the
button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she
spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and
stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was
most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them
with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily
movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of
a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men,in
this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet
bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there
are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the
kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that"
paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were
all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to
suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to
the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me
about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about,
which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew! Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

Hope your week is better than his!!!!!!!!!!

2007-08-14 12:20:36 · 7 answers · asked by Steph! 3

A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"

2007-08-14 12:14:42 · 20 answers · asked by "!" 5

Mrs Smith had just been in the shower and was drying off as her husband was getting in. The doorbell rang so Mrs Smith put on her bathrobe and ran down stairs to open the door. When she opened it there stood Mr Smiths best friend. She invited him in and explained that Mr Smith was in the shower. He said okay and they was chatting in the front room. Mr Smith's best friend said " You have an amazing figure and a beautiful body i will give you £500 to drop your bath robe" Mrs Smith thought about it and agreed. She dropped the bath robe and Mr Smith's best friend admired her body and handed over the £500 and left. Mrs Smith put back on her bathrobe and went upstairs. "who was that?" her husband called out from the shower. "Just Rob, your best friend." "Good" Mr Smith Said "Did he bring my £500?"

2007-08-14 12:09:11 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of thinking.

The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?

2007-08-14 11:43:52 · 8 answers · asked by sph 3

In a dark and gloomy room, the fortune teller was startled by what she saw in her crystal ball.

She looked up at her customer, sitting across the
table. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt.

Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

2007-08-14 11:35:45 · 5 answers · asked by J. Depp fan 2

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real ***** this time."

2007-08-14 11:31:34 · 6 answers · asked by Me 2

When the End of the World Arrives, How Will the Media Report It?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

2007-08-14 11:24:05 · 41 answers · asked by "!" 5

I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me,
sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:

"Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. "

The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:


"He lives in a home with 10 children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

2007-08-14 11:22:44 · 7 answers · asked by sph 3

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

2007-08-14 11:02:00 · 12 answers · asked by sph 3

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

2007-08-14 11:00:41 · 12 answers · asked by Secret Admirer 2

This is really cool! And it's really funny!!! Try to see if you can see anything "wrong" with this picture:

www.rumdesign.com/wrong

I hope you can see this show up. If you can't click on it, i'll try to paste it on later.

2007-08-14 10:57:29 · 7 answers · asked by Chloe Anne 3

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”

“Eight,” the boy replied.

The man, perplexed but intrigued, couldn’t help but ask, “Do you know what these are used for?”

The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him (pointing to the boy who came in with him). He’s my little brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can’t do either one.”

2007-08-14 10:39:07 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day - and when we have real trouble - it's HISterectomy.

2007-08-14 10:33:29 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for a blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely.

The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

2007-08-14 10:29:12 · 6 answers · asked by sph 3

Music Lovers:
Don't waste money on expensive ipods.
Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it.

If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Cinema goers:
Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p!ss before the film starts.

Rappers:
Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.


Don't waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen.
Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

Burglars:
When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

Employers:
Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin

Blind People:
Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

2007-08-14 10:24:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A gay man walks into a country bar and says, "I just want everyone to know that I'm gay, but I won't hit on anyone. I just like country music."

The bartender says that it's okay and the man stays.

The next day the gay man comes back with another guy and says, "This is my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."

The bartender again says that is okay and the men stay.

Again, the next day the man comes back, but this time he is with even more men and says, "These are my cousins and my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."

The bartender finally gets curious and asks, "Hey, doesn't ANYONE in your family like girls?"

The gay man replies, "Yeah, but she doesn't like country music."

2007-08-14 10:16:52 · 21 answers · asked by "!" 5

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly: "My blonde wife sure is stupid... she bought an air conditioner!"

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My blonde wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly : "That ain't nuthin'! My redhead wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!!!"

2007-08-14 10:15:30 · 26 answers · asked by "!" 5

You might be a Redneck Jedi if

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

* You ever fantas

2007-08-14 10:10:57 · 2 answers · asked by sph 3

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at his local feed and seed.

One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."

"How did you get it fixed ?" asked the farmer.

"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's beaver and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's beaver and rubs it all around the bull's nose.

The bull gets a rip roaring ***** and jumps on the cow immediately.

That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind.

As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's beaver and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on.

2007-08-14 10:07:49 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous