Funny Jokes?

Question

I need the funniest jokes you cam think of whoever has the funniest gets Best Answer.

Answer 1

I like these ones quite a bit. There some of my favorites.

1. 2 peanuts walked into a bar...

One was a salted.

2. 2 men walked into a bar...

The 3rd one ducked!

3. A magician was riding down the street...

Then he turned into a driveway!

4. Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?

Cut off your head.

5. A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

6. When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

7. One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right year Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

8. What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A Fsh.

9. A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"

10. What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no I-Deer

11. What do cows do for entertainment?

They rent moovies!

12. Once upon a time 2 blondes went to a concert and the driver accidently left the keys in the car.

When they got out to the car the first blonde tried to open the lock with a coathanger.

While the second blonde was waiting, she said, "Hurry up it's starting to rain and the top is open."

13. An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle."

"Wow," says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure," says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish," said the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says, "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The englishman says, "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?."

14. Moses, Jesus and an old man were out golfing one day.

Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green.

Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green.

The old man drives his ball, it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was picked up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, it crashed onto the green, the fish flopped out of its mouth, and the ball rolled out of the fish and into the hole.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your dad."

I hope you like them.

Answer 2

Why is it a bad idea to play UNO with mexicans? Because they will always steal your green-cards. A Mexican and a Blackman are in a car. Who's driving? A cop What's the difference between a blackman and a bench? A bench can support a family of four Why dosn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everyone that can run, jump and swim is already here.

Answer 3

Well Behaved Students

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes....

When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

more

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" she asked. Hunting Flies" he responded."Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
-----
senior moment...... ....

First old man: You want to go for a walk? Second old man: Isn't it windy? First old man: No, it's Thursday. Second old man: Me, too. Let's go get a beer.
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Tom walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I
borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!" The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book.
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A man was walking along, when he looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird dropped a load when it was directly over him. The man says "Good thing that cows dont fly

Answer 4

This Russian woman married an Englishman.Although she couldn't speak English at all,she could somehow communicate with her husband well.
The only problem occurred when she went to the grocery store.One day she had to buy chicken thighs.she had no way to relay this to the butcher so she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.The butcher got what she was saying and gave her the chicken thighs.The next time however she needed chicken breasts.So she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show her breasts.The butcher got what she was saying and gave her the chicken breasts.

The next time she needed to order sausages.She had no way of telling the butcher so she brought in her husband.

What were you thinking?





Her husband could English!!!!!!

Answer 5

this is funny. yet somewhat inapropreate.
joke goes as follows:

"So this guy goes to a bar in TJ. Once he's there he sees a sign that reads "$100 if you can make my horse laugh"
So the guy walks up to the owner of the horse and asks him if that sign is real "yes sir, it is" says the owner. So there goes the guy, walks up to the horse and whispers his ear...the horse busts out laughing like no other....the man leaves with his $100...
The week, the same guy comes into the same bar and see a different sign.
"$500 if you can make my horse cry" again, the guy walks up to the owner and says 'Is that sign real?"
"yes sir, it is real"
so then the guy walks up to the horse and whipsers in his ear and backs up.
The horse starts sobbing like a little girl. The man walks up to the onwer and collects his $500 bucks. Before the man walks away, the onwer asks the man
"Hey, how did you make my horse laugh and cry?"
The man looks at him, smiles and says..
"Well, when the sign said to make the horse laugh, I told the horse that my penis was bigger then his...& when the sign said to make your horse cry...I showed it to him"

Answer 6

Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?

A: Dung!

Answer 7

Yo momma so fat she got her own area code.

Answer 8

yo mama's so fat she uses a mattress as a Maxie pad.

Answer 9

here's one: yo momma smells so bad that ppl would rather sit next to a terrorist on an airplane.

Answer 10

What do you call a bus full of blacks?

a rotten banana