Who knows the best Joke?

Question

I'm picking the one that makes me laugh hardest! and please try to keep em clean I don't laugh at crude things :)

Answer 1

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

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Hey! Some jokes I thought were funny.

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

______________________________...

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in."

______________________________...

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine waiting to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the Limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. "You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black Limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the Limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his super visor He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so then it's the president."

The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur.

______________________________...

The young Texan came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Texan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

______________________________...

A hunter dials 911 and says, "I just shot at something that I thought was a deer but it was another hunter. I'm afraid I just killed him."

The operator says, "It's OK sir, it may not be as bad as you think. First, make sure he's really dead."

The guy says OK and sets down the phone. Then the operator hears a gunshot. He picks up the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

______________________________...

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me"

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home"

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

______________________________...

Two blondes, Lexie and Kate, come to a convenition to save endangered animals. Kate says, "Hi Lexie nice coat."

And Lexie replies, "Thanks it`s made from real fur!"
______________________________...

A University of Texas senior from Oklahoma was over heard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be back in Oklahoma."

When asked why, he stated that everything happens there 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

______________________________...

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.

The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..."

"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. He turns to the second blond, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"?

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St Peter smiled broadly with delight.

The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

______________________________...

A blonde is driving down the road she sees a cop flashing his lights behind her. She pulls over. The cop comes up to her window and the blonde realizes that the cop is a blonde too. The cop says I need your driver's license and the blonde says, "What does it look like?" the cop replies, "It's square and has your picture on it." so the blonde searches through her purse and finds a mirror looks at it then gives it to the cop. The cop says, "Oh, ok I'm sorry I didn't know you were a cop too."
______________________________...

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening, he went to a singles bar, where he spots the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, her natural beauty takes his breath away.

I may look just like an ordinary man," he says, as he walks up to her,"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles that evening, and the next day, she became his stepmother.

Will men ever learn?

______________________________...

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

WIFE vs HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument & neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, & pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "relatives of yours?" "yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "the reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid & so beautiful all at the same time."
"The wife responded, "allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man & his wife were having some problems at home & were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM & he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go & see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Four Dads went golfing one day. Three of them
headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the
clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men
started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a
homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a
friend a new home for free."
The second man said, "My son is a car salesman and
now he owns a multiline dealership. He is so
successful
that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged,
"My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that
he
gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few
minutes of taking care of business. The first man
mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is
yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and
dances in a gaybar. I'm not totally thrilled about the
dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three
boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes and
an entire stock portfolio!

Answer 2

Two lifelong friends, Steve and Earl, both in their 40s, were hunting in the woods together, as they did most every weekend. They were hiding in the bushes when Earl was bit by a rattle snake right on the crotch. Steve ran all the 2 miles into town and strait to the doctor. He told his story and the doctor, who was treating a patient, told him that the only way to save his friend was to suck the poison out of him. Steve ran back to where Earl lay and Earl, who was already quite weak, asked "What did the doctor say?" Steve replied, "He says your going to die." I butchered that a bit but it used to be funny.

Answer 3

An officer pulled over a nun for going too slow on the freeway. After all the formalities were taken care of, he asked her why she was going so slow. She replied, "I was only following the speed limit -- all the blue signs say 29."
"Ma'am, that's the sign that says what Interstate you're on," he replied. Looking into the back seat of the car, he sees three more nuns whispering prayers, clutching their rosaries with bone-white knuckles, eyes shut tighter than tight. "Ma'am," begins the officer, "could I ask you what's wrong with the sisters in the back there?"
"Oh, it all makes sense now," she replies. "We just got off of what must have been Route 221."

Answer 4

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Answer 5

Three men climbed up a mountain. They found a magic lamp and rubbed it. The genie says they each get to jump in the air, say an item and land in said item. The first guy jumps and says "Gold" and lands in a pot of gold. The second guy says "Women" and lands in the arms of beautiful women. The 3rd guy was about to jump but slipped on a stone. He shouted out "Crap!"

Answer 6

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. "What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? How's it work?" "Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"


this is pretty funny

Answer 7

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are all sentenced to an execution. They have to die by being shot in a field surrounded by men with guns. The red head goes into the field first, but she already has a plan to get out. The men get ready to shoot- "Ready, aim..."
"Tornadoes!" yells the red head. The men look around and she escapes.

The brunette goes up next and follows the red head's plan. The men shout- "Ready, aim..."
"Tsunami!" yells the brunette. The men look around and she escapes.

The blonde goes up next and now knows exactly what to do after watching the two escape. The men shout "Ready... aim..."


And the blonde yells:"Fire!"

Answer 8

brothers Pat and Mike are fishing on one of Ireland's many lakes...actually, it was more an excuse to get away from their wives and drink beer...and maybe catch a fish or two. anyway, they ran out of Guinness. while they pondered this sad state of affairs, an algae-covered bottle floats near the boat, so Mike grabs it. Pat says "Moikey, sure and it looks loik a beer boddle." Mike looks at it, has to agree with his brother, but he says "Before I open it, lemme wash it off...oy like ta know what oy'll be drinkin'" As he's rubbing the bottle clean, a genie pops out POOF! and says "Hurry, me boy-o's, this is the 21st Century, lean and mean...you only get one wish, so make it good." The 2 brothers look at each other, scratch their heads, think some more...finally Mike says "Oy've got it...Oy wish this whole lake was full o' beer." POOF, the genie disappears and a thick head of foam appears on the lake. Mike looks at Pat and says " am Oy a genius, or what?" Pat looks at him and says "Yer a freakin' idiot, Moikey...now we'll hafta pee IN THE BOAT!"

Answer 9

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you

Answer 10

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"

Answer 11

An elderly lady is pulled over by the police. He asks her for her drivers licence but she claims it has been revolked due to DUI charges. The officer says ,"o.k. then can I see your registration?" She says," nope,I don't have one to show because the car is stolen." He now tells her to step out of the vehicle and pop the trunk. "Okay" she says" but my husband is cut up into pieces in there." He radios to his supervisor for assistance and the supervisor takes over. He says "mame ,my officer says you have no licence." She says," I have it right here." Puzzled he asks her for the registration. She says, "sure right here."He says," pop your trunk for me. "She does and it's spotless. He says," I can't understand why he said this..."she said ,"I bet the little liar said I was speeding too"!