Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

love to swim

2007-08-25 22:03:00 · 3 answers · asked by jobees 6

2007-08-25 21:40:59 · 16 answers · asked by Mr Shankley 3

A dustman knocks on a Japenese man's door. The Japanese man says 'Harro, what do you want?'

Dust asks ' Where's your bin?'

Japanese man, 'I bin on loo'

Dust 'No, where's your dustbin?'

Japanese man 'I dust bin on the loo'

Dust 'No, no mate, where's your wheeliebin?'

Japanese man 'Hokay, I wheelie bin having a w@nk'!!

(no offense intended)

2007-08-25 21:19:10 · 11 answers · asked by Conan 2

My guy friend bought two dozen eggs from me at work tonight. Then he asked me to watch his stuff until he was ready to leave. So there's a girl at work who is very good at putting stuff up and she almost put up his eggs. I said "No those belong to (his name here) and I'm sitting on them. When they hatch, I'll name all 24 chickens (his name here) Jr. and since I had his babies, I'll be his CHICK!

So the girl laughed big time!

So I thought it went well with her, I'll tell him.
He did laugh, but he said I was so crazy.


Is crazy a good think in this case? He knows I make up stupid jokes all the time. So is crazy a good thing???

2007-08-25 20:38:48 · 23 answers · asked by §♫♪‹(•¿•)›☼»-(¯`v´¯)-»\\ 6

1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (Seen on Cape Cod)
> >
> > 2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)
> >
> > 3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew
Up"
> >
> > 4. "Procrastinate Now."
> >
> > 5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."
> >
> > 6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."
> >
> > 7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With
That?"
> >
> > 8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
> >
> > 9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing
Since
>15."
> >
> > 10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."
> >
> > 11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."
> >
> > 12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the
software."
> >
> > 13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."
> >
> > 14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."
> >
> > 15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
> >
> > 16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
> >
> > 17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."
> >
> > 18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose."
> >
> > 19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already
taken."
> >
> > 20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."
> >
> > 21. "Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."
> >
> > 22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN.... Cops have nothing to go
on."
> >
> > 23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
> >
> > 24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."
> >
> > 25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a
thousand
> > times the memory."
> >
> > 26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth.... after we're through
with it."
> >
> > 27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
> >
> > 28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime
commitment
> > for a pig."
> >
> > 29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
> >
> > 30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
> >
> > 31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"
> >
> > 32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
> >
> > 33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith Wesson."
> >
> > 34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT."
> >
> > 35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."
> >
> > 36. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."
> >
> > 37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup
team."
> >
> > 38. "Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-
spinning
>medicine."
> >
> > 39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
> >
> > 40. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought
> > he was God, and I didn't."

2007-08-25 20:08:49 · 14 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

what he wore under his kilt.
"Reach up there and find out."
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's
gruesome!"
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back
up there, it'll grow some more!"

....
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow dung and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

2007-08-25 20:05:32 · 6 answers · asked by Conan 2

Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine?

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots.

What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

2007-08-25 19:01:54 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!

What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms?
Matt!

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.


I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If it weren't for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight.
George Gobel

2007-08-25 18:59:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.




Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?

To see what was on the other side.




Two friends meet each other on the street. "hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill. "Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Sid. "I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?". "It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"




When you ask a housewife, accountant, and lawyer what 2+2 is, what do they give you?

The housewife says "Four." The accountant says "It's either three or four, let me run it through my spreadsheet again." The lawyer closes the shutters, turns down the lights, and whispers "What do you want it to be?"




Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing?

"The runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide"

2007-08-25 18:54:13 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night, a theif broke into a house, and stole an expensive jewel. The next day, the owner of the house woke up, to see it had been stolen! He began to ask the neighbors if they may have a shaddy character, and explained what happened. One neighbor, who overheard, began to scold him, saying:
"Why didn't you keep it more secure!?" another said:
"Why didn't you sleep with an eye open so he couldn't steal it?"
"You sleep like a rock, that's why you didn't here him to catch him!" said another. Hear this, the man got angry and said:
"Well, as you would have it, I'm guilty of everything you say, and the theif is completely innocent!"

A stupid person was asked: What is more useful, the sun or the moon? The man replied:
"The answer to this is all too obvious. The sun comes out druing the day, when it is already light, so that is not useful. But the moon comes out at night and lights up the darkness, so the moon is more useful."

So, what do you think?

2007-08-25 18:48:05 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Geek: "Have you heard about the dynamite website?"
Other Geek: "Yes it really blew my mind."

Cheers and have a nice week ahead :)

2007-08-25 17:44:01 · 12 answers · asked by Larry L - Hi Everyone :D 6

2007-08-25 13:20:01 · 4 answers · asked by WG 1

-You've been married three times and you still have the same in-laws
-You think Taco Bell is a mexican phone company
-Your house still has the
"WIDE LOAD"
sign on the back.
-You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
-You think Possum is
"The Other White Meat"
-You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
-You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
-You and your dog use the same tree.
-Your father executes the "pull my finger"
trick during Christmas dinner.
-You think the OJ Trial was a
Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
-The people on Jerry Springer's show
remind you of your neighbors
-You have a bumper sticker that says,
"MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT
AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."
-You take a six pack cooler to church
-Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
-Your dad walks you to school because
you are both in the same grade.

I know these arent some of the better ones but star if u like. and feel free to put some on

2007-08-25 12:52:05 · 11 answers · asked by Stephanie </3 3

1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

2. You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.

3. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

4. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

5. You child throws up, and you catch it.

6. Someone else's kid throws up at a party, and you keep eating.

7. You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.

8. You mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.

9. Your child insists that you read Once Upon a Potty out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office, or, better yet, in the lobby of a Grand Central Station... and you do it.

10. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, and then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

11. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

12. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons, while your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

13. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

14. You hate the thought of his wife even more.

15. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

16. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

17. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.

18. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

19. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.

20. You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.

21. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes!"

22. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

23. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is above average.

24. You say at least once a day, I'm not cut out for this job, but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

2007-08-25 11:52:57 · 23 answers · asked by Deedee 6

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if
Osama is still alive,"


Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter
in his own handwriting


to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened
the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of
coded message


370HSSV-0773H


Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice.
Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.


No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the
NSA.


With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually
asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6
cabled the White House with this reply:


"Tell the President he's holding the message
upside down."


**FYI: 370HSSV-0773H = Hello A$$hole

2007-08-25 11:32:56 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Teacher: "What are the four elements?"
Pupil: "Fire, Earth, Water and Internet."
Teacher: "Internet?"
Pupil: "Yes, my dad says when I'm on the web I'm in my element."

Cheers and have a nice week ahead :)

2007-08-25 10:50:34 · 16 answers · asked by Larry L - Hi Everyone :D 6

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette,"
he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he finally thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't particularly feel like doing more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said,
"and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Off you go!" said the officer.

2007-08-25 10:32:01 · 17 answers · asked by dont_know_4_sure 2

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old mathematicians never die, they tend to zero.
Old mathematicians never die, they just lose some of their functions.
Old professors never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old programmers never die, they just gosub without return.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old publishers never die, they just go out of print.
Old statisticians never die, they just become nonsignificant.
Old thermodynamicists never die, they just achieve their state of maximum entropy.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.

2007-08-25 10:19:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actuaries never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old chemists never die, they just reach equilibrium.
Old cosmologists never die, they just go to another world.
Old doctors never die, they just loose their patience.
Old dynamicists never die, they just lose their attraction.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old geologists never die, they just recrystalize.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just threaten their doctor with malpractice.

2007-08-25 10:17:56 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
A graduate with a Law degree asks, "Who gave it a permission to work?"
A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

2007-08-25 10:15:45 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes in the middle of a town & announces to everyone that he is God...the people take him to the town's judge & tell him this guy is going round telling everyone he's God & is making trouble & we don't know what to do with him.. the judge summons him & to intimidate him tells him:
"last year a man came to this town & claimed that he was
a prophet of God & I ordered him to be executed..
the guy thought for a moment & replied: " Ah, I'm so glad you did that becuase I did not send him!!"

2007-08-25 10:01:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people who remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.”

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

Moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your @$$ goodbye!

2007-08-25 09:20:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ponder these:

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

2007-08-25 09:15:58 · 13 answers · asked by LizzWeasley 5

Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette, the other walks to his moped. The guy with the moped admires the Corvette & the owner lets him take a look at it. Then he gets on his moped, the other guy gets into his 'Vette, & they both leave the parking lot. The guy in the Corvette decides to show off & race out of the parking lot. He stops at a stop light. Enjoying his music he looks out the window & sees the guy on the moped flying by at about 80 mph! He can't believe a moped can go that fast! So he races up to the guy on the moped & passes him again to show how fast he can go. At the next stop light, the guy on the moped speeds by once more. Finally, the Corvette & moped stop at the same stop light.
"How the hell did you go past me so fast like that?" the guy in the Corvette asks.
The guy on the moped, all flushed & pale, looks at the man & says, "MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR!!!!!"

2007-08-25 07:03:18 · 3 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

...... Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Claire-Lee and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He became quite besotted with Claire-Lee and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn’t do anything with Claire-Lee while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with Claire-Lee.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing…

“I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone”

2007-08-25 05:56:24 · 10 answers · asked by $Sun King$ 7

and american when u come out of the bathroom, what are u wen ur in the bathroom???

2007-08-25 05:11:21 · 11 answers · asked by ♥missbrendonurie♥ 2

Russian

2007-08-25 04:51:57 · 5 answers · asked by carpe-diem 3

Why do Gorillaas have Big Nose??????





Bcoz they have BIG FINGERS..,.,...!!!!!!



u like it or not...?????

2007-08-25 04:09:40 · 20 answers · asked by Winnie 2

There were 3 horny dogs. One was a Bulldog, one was a German Shepard, and the other one was a Chihuahua.

A poodle walk by and said to them, "I'll let you do me if you can use the word 'liver' and 'cheese' in the same sentence."

So the Bulldog said "I love liver and cheese."

The poodle said, "Nope, won't work."

Then the German Shepard said, "I hate liver and cheese."

The poodle said, "Nope, won't work either."

Then the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone cheese mine."


Lol.

2007-08-25 04:07:03 · 4 answers · asked by ? 4

One day, a blonde and a brunette were driving to a party and they were speeding because they were late.

"Watch out for cops," the brunette said.

They drove on for about five minutes when suddenly the blonde said nervously, "I think that's a cop behind us."

"Is it after us?" the brunette questioned.

"Er, um..." answered the blonde

"Well, is it?" asked the brunette with a growing temper.

"I don't know..."

"Well are it's lights on?" insisted the brunette.

Replied the blonde, "Yes... no... yes... no... yes... no... yes... no..."

2007-08-25 04:04:11 · 11 answers · asked by ◄Rainy~♥~Rain► 3