Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

2007-08-28 12:48:41 · 11 answers · asked by Patty M 5

There was a magical mirror, and this magical mirror could only be told the truth or you would dissapear in a POOF!
A brunette walks in and says, "I'm sooo hot!" POOF! She dissapeared.
A Red Head walks in and says, "like, I am sooo smart" POOF! She dissapeared.
A blonde walks in and says "I think.." POOF!

2007-08-28 12:28:04 · 23 answers · asked by Savannah 2

were sitting at the breakfast table one moring when the wif says One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

2007-08-28 12:05:28 · 6 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

has a big head.......
and women love it????
answer later ( keep it clean) lol

2007-08-28 11:54:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Before I lay myself to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's strong, thick and long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed,
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and legs to do more.

Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body is twitchin,
In the hall, in the Loo, in the garden and in the kitchen!

I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend,
But as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the W@nker you sent me instead.


" A MAN'S PRAYER"

LORD
I pray for a lady with big ****.
AMEN.


Hope you more on the way....Toe.

2007-08-28 11:46:06 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

with multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Doctor asked what happened to you? Well i was playing golf with my wife when she sliced her golf ball into a field of cows. I found the ball stuck in a cows fan ny,i yelled to my wife this looks like yours, i dont remember much after that.

2007-08-28 11:39:14 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech
company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says,
"You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money
here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat.
So don't trouble any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all
working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you;
however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you
know what happened to him?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to
the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating
Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice
anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

2007-08-28 11:20:36 · 3 answers · asked by wwe52256 2

He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.
After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the old man saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
About a year later the same young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said"Two kids in two years, you must be in good health sir."
Again he said "It's all about keepin' the old motor running." as he smiled proudly.
In the third year of marriage the same youthful bride AGAIN gave birth to a newborn to the amazement of the hospital staff.
The nurse said "Well,well, well, you certainly are quite a man! 3 kids in 3 years."
He responded, "Like I always said, ya take care of yer-self and ya keep that old motor running."
The nurse nodded and replied "Uhuh. Well sir, you better change the oil. This one's black."

2007-08-28 11:13:39 · 4 answers · asked by wwe52256 2

It has been determined,the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs
The wife rolls over and plays dead.Lol.

2007-08-28 10:57:43 · 12 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

2007-08-28 10:56:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mole Family

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together
in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks
his head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and said,
"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"


The mama mole sticks her head
out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said,
"Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"




Now baby mole is trying
to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air,
but can't
because the bigger moles
are in the way.
This makes him whine,

"Geez, all I can smell is....


MOLASSES!


OK, PASS IT ON, YOU KNOW YOU LAUGHED!!

2007-08-28 10:30:50 · 8 answers · asked by xenypoo 7

A man was watering his grass when he saw his blonde neighbor come out to check for mail.
She opened the mailbox and upon finding nothing closed it up and went back in the house.

She repeated this about 7 times within a half hour.

Finally, his curiosity getting the best of him, asked his blonde neighbor why she kept going to check the mail.

She retorted, I am on my computer and every so often a voice comes from it saying "you've got mail".

2007-08-28 10:19:28 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-28 09:32:26 · 8 answers · asked by Scooby Doo 1

Types of People You Might Meet in the Men's Room

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

2007-08-28 09:30:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

2007-08-28 09:22:12 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

2007-08-28 09:09:41 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked intoWal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As they entered, the Walmart greeter said, "Good Morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Good looking children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't." "The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid"' The Wal-Mart greeter just smiled and replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice." "'You have a real good day now and thank you again for shopping at Wal-Mart:

2007-08-28 09:05:09 · 12 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

A blonde and a red head were walking along a path in a park. The red head turns to the blonde and says, " poor thing look at the dog with one eye."
The blonde covers one of her eyes and says "where?"

A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that she'd like a medium
pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces she'd like to have it cut into:
six or twelve. Oh, goodness, six please, said the blonde. I don't think I
could ever eat twelve.

One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly,
the blonde's friend said, Oh, look, a dead birdie. The blonde looked up
and said, Where?

2007-08-28 09:01:16 · 20 answers · asked by puma 4

1. Where did the space for the universe come from?

2. Where did matter come from?

3. Where did the laws of the universe come from (gravity, inertia, etc.)?

4. How did matter get so perfectly organized?

5. Where did the energy come from to do all the organizing?

6. When, where, why, and how did life come from dead matter?

7. When, where, why, and how did life learn to reproduce itself?

8. With what did the first cell capable of sexual reproduction reproduce?

9. Why would any plant or animal want to reproduce more of its kind since this would only make more mouths to feed and decrease the chances of survival? (Does the individual have a drive to survive, or the species? How do you explain this?)

10. How can mutations (recombining of the genetic code) create any new, improved varieties? (Recombining English letters will never produce Chinese books.)

2007-08-28 08:21:18 · 28 answers · asked by Tr3vor 2

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her. He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.

He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl. The bowl is full of butter....

2007-08-28 08:20:42 · 25 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

hello,
you know like the word sally sell seashells on the seashore. when there are multiple words starting with the same letter what was that called? for example like Wicked Wicked Ways.. there are three W's. It would be thankful if you know what that is called. i know in a easy way it's called a tongue twister but the "english" definiton

2007-08-28 08:16:49 · 4 answers · asked by anonymous 1

A police officer noticed a man leaving a bar so
apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried
his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and
fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and
off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a
couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved
the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained
still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles
left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out
and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the ;flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had
consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to
ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment
must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated
decoy."

2007-08-28 08:02:13 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

2007-08-28 07:20:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Theres a family that are living in a round house. The family is made up of :2 kids, Mom, Dad,Grandpa, and Grandma. One day the kids where mudered! The Mom said she didnt do it because she was doing laundry, the Dad said he didn't kill the kids because he was mowing the lawn, the Grandma said she didnt do it because she was reading a book in the corner, and the grandpa said he didn't do it because he was sleeping on the couch. Who killed the kids??

When you answer give the persons name and HOW you knew they killed the kids!
First person to answer it correctly gets 10 points, which means giove me the killers name and how you know they killed the kids!

2007-08-28 06:54:41 · 28 answers · asked by xostephxo39 2

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he h ad ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

2007-08-28 06:50:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-28 06:09:58 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

the following are actual signs warning labels statements ect....


on a package of Christmas lights"Warning, for indoor or outdoor use only"

In a church parking lot"Though shall not park here"

In a public restroom"Toilet out of order please use floor below"

On a newspaper headline"Lost painting found by tree"

On a packace of peanuts"Caution, may contain nuts"!

On an iron" Warning, do not iron clothes on body"!

On a nenws paper headline"Something Goes Wrong In Jet Crash Says Rocket Scientists"!

Hoped u liked them!

2007-08-28 06:09:38 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-28 04:27:36 · 37 answers · asked by spick&span 4

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week", she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss."I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week" The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"



"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

2007-08-28 04:17:00 · 9 answers · asked by Bite Me 4

A man needs to have his wedding ring cut off his willy. his mistress found it in his pocket and was so furious, she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
but what's worse? your mistress finding out you're married?
explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on yer willy?
or having a willy that fits through a ring?

2007-08-28 04:16:16 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous