Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

2007-08-29 05:08:36 · 15 answers · asked by Patty M 5

its not a new fashionable name
it has 4 letters

2007-08-29 04:26:07 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sesame seed buns

2007-08-29 04:18:04 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

God is Watching.
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples.
It read, "Take only one, God is watching."

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies,
"Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

2007-08-29 03:45:05 · 19 answers · asked by Luvly 2

if I had a sister, she had a mother, she had a brother, he had a twin sister, she had a son, he had a father, he had a mother, she had a sister, she also had a sister, she also had a sister, she had a brother, he had a daughter, she had a daughter, she had a brother, and she had a brother,


None of these people arementioned twice in the above scentence.


What relation would I be to the last balloon cup tree nizzle blink??

2007-08-29 03:16:21 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

2007-08-29 02:00:57 · 13 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

here goes:

there are three houses, there lived two blacksmiths who lived on the left and right side among the three houses and a rich man in the middle. The rich man didn't like the noise the blacksmiths made so he invited the two into his house and have a grand dinner but in one condition, they must move away. One of the blacksmith asked how far is it, the rich man replied that they must move away from their old places. By tommorrow, the two blacksmith did move away but the rich man still complained, do you know why?

Because the two blacksmiths exchanged their position, and it was counted as moving away from their old places. Isn't it hilarious?

2007-08-29 01:55:27 · 17 answers · asked by skynet 3

One day a guy went down to Africa, when he arrived and checked
in at the hotel. He wanted to phone his wife, but there was no phone. After a couple hours searching for a connection booth. He
found a computer. The internet was working, so he decided to
e-mail his wife. But during the process, he misspelled his
wife's e-mail by one letter. as a result it was received by an old
widow, whose husband was a pasteur. She dropped down
dead the moment she read it.
The policeman investigated her, and found out that she was
currently reading her e-mails,
one which read:

My dearly beloved wife,
I have just arrived
I've booked a room for us,
you'll love it here
I'm preparing for your arrival
and I am getting ready to pick you up,
oh, and bring the kids with you if you can

Sincerely,
Your husband




p.s. It's quite hot down here

2007-08-29 01:27:13 · 13 answers · asked by Oh! Crud 3

1.A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

2.Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.
The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said...

2007-08-29 01:22:04 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a store and buys condoms for $3.00. When he gets to the register the clerk says, "That'll be $3.18".

He says, "what's the 18 cents for?"

The cleark says, "The tax"

The guy says, "Oh! I wanted the ones that stay on by themselves!"

2007-08-29 01:21:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just
Too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

2007-08-29 01:16:06 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big bl**dy red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

2007-08-29 01:03:28 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

DRUNKEN WISDOM
As a woman was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out at the grocery store, a man reeking of alcohol was standing behind her watching as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, You must be single.
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since she was, indeed, single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status: A half-gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of lettuce, a can of coffee and a package of bacon.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, Well, you know what, youʼre absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that I was single?
Replied the drunk, Because youʼre ugly.

2007-08-29 00:49:15 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife £275 a week."

"That's very nice, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself."

2007-08-29 00:34:38 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

What state is surrounded by the most water i know this may sound simple but remember it is a riddle so im looking for the right answer

thank you

2007-08-28 23:50:52 · 12 answers · asked by roxylee27 2

Bill and Sarah were a couple who lived in the local metal institute. one day they were walking past the swimming pool when suddenly Bill fell in. sarah immediately dived in after him and saved him. later on that day the bosses called sarah into the office. "We have some good news and some bad news for you" they explained. "the good news is your bravery for saving Bill showed us you are completely sane and you are now free to go home. the bad news is...Bill was found hanging in his bedroom".
Sarah looked at them confused and said "i know! I hung him there to dry!"

2007-08-28 23:50:04 · 31 answers · asked by *T*I*N*K*E*R*B*E*L*L* 3

Short gender jokes
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women!

Why don't men eat more M & M's?
They are too hard to peel!

What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted!

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature!

Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them!

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What's a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home!

What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this!

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer!

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote between his toes.

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle!

2007-08-28 23:11:22 · 11 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

what will u find inside a very clean nose like urs?
?
?
?
?
?
a lot of finger prints.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
sardar 2 his friends : i kiss my wife every day b4 i go 2 office & u?
friend : i kiss ur wife after u go 2 office
sardar : ha ha ha i kissed first then u ha ha ha
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LADY TEACHEAR :
name some films that has almost same stories
SARDAR STUDENT :
BLUE FILM'S MADAM........

2007-08-28 21:56:54 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

I think this is the first joke that has no relation to sex except the word erected and not of the Internet either.

An American, a Frenchman, and an Australian were sitting in a bar overlooking Sydney Harbor.
"Do you know why America is the wealthiest country in the world?" asked the American. "It's because we build big and build fast. We put up the Empire State Building in six weeks."
"Six weeks, mon dieu, so long!" snapped the Frenchman, "ze Eiffel Tower we erected in one month exactement. And you," he continued, turning to the Australian, "what has Australia done to match that?"
"Ah, nuthin' mate. Not that I know of,"
The American pointed to the Harbor Bridge. "what about that?" he asked.
The Australian looked over his shoulder. "Dunno mate, wasn't there yesterday."

2007-08-28 21:24:40 · 8 answers · asked by Conan 2

Riddle :

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?

A: Dress her up like an alter boy.

2007-08-28 20:27:18 · 9 answers · asked by Lilkryptonite 4

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He pickedit up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared."I' ll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want aspectacular job -- a job that no man has eversucceeded at or has ever even dared try.""Poof!" said the genie.

"You're a housewife."; -))

2007-08-28 20:22:08 · 13 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

(beware this joke might take some time to understand >.>)
there is a wife and her husband who happends to be a pilot
they are both bored so the wife asks, " honey do you think you can fly a plane with 1 hand?''
the pilot replys, "baby you'll be amazed what a man can do with 1 hand.''

2007-08-28 19:27:20 · 5 answers · asked by Otaku in Training 2

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

2007-08-28 17:00:36 · 35 answers · asked by yesway_noway 2

Why? did it get a "R" rateing? it's not worthy/ of that rate! is not "bAD'and it's not SUPER? ITS A HIGHSCHHOL spoof...Mclovin and cops? the D*cks scene? the whole make-out sceene is adalacent>?<

2007-08-28 16:36:37 · 6 answers · asked by ? 7

don't copy anybodys

2007-08-28 15:47:18 · 17 answers · asked by ♥ _ ♥ 1

A missionary is sent into the deepest, darkest part of Africa to live with a tribe.

He spends years with the people, teaching them to read and write, and preaching to them about the good Christian ways of the white man.

One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin: Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!

One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby.

The village is shocked and the chief is sent to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here, a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Even Stevie Wonder could see what's been going on!"

The missionary replies, "No, no. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See the flock of white sheep, and yet amongst them, one of them is black. Nature does this on occasion."

"Tell you what," the chief says, "You never mention the sheep again, and I won't say anything about the baby."

2007-08-28 14:35:14 · 8 answers · asked by Patty M 5

For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female,faced each other in a city park,until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want to." And with a clap of his hand, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorically.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll **** on it's head.

2007-08-28 14:11:56 · 8 answers · asked by Patty M 5

Hey everyone thankz for helping! What is the FUNNIEST THING EVER that you can keep thinking and no matter what it will get you to laugh?


I have some things like,
humping!
chicken fingers with ketchup!




Then what is something funny to do?
besides danceing in front of the mirrow with funny faces ?



LOLLOOLOLOL

2007-08-28 13:46:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok there was a mexican, a father(church) ,a little boy, and an blonde girl and they were all in a plane and it was about to chrash and there was only three parachutes so the mexican get one and jumps of. The blonde girl get one amd jumps of then the father says to the boy" ok there is only one more, what are we going to do." and the little boy says "no, there are 2 because the blonde girl toke my backpack."

2007-08-28 13:09:35 · 18 answers · asked by AHhotty92 2

A blonde one day decided to take an IQ test. After 2 hours she
finished. The next day she went to recive her scores.
"Unfortunately they wern't so good," "In fact, they were terrible,"
The blonde looked confused. "That's strange," "I chose a for every answer cause I wanted that as my grade,"

2007-08-28 12:53:59 · 11 answers · asked by Soul Crusher 2