Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

"i wonder if im a boy or a girl. do u know what u r?" the other one lifts up the blanket their both under and says "im definitely a boy and ur a girl." the girl asks "how did u kno that?" and the boys says "I have blue booties and u have pink ones"

2007-08-30 14:27:29 · 9 answers · asked by Stephanie </3 3

a blind guy walks into walmart with his seeing eye dog,picks the dog up over his shoulders and starts spinning him very fast,manager comes over and asks what are you doin,the guy says ah just looking around.

2007-08-30 14:21:27 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Prof. of maths sends wife a txt "dear wife ur 54 yrs old, u can no longer satisfy my needs so when u get this i will be in a motel with my 18yr old assistant i'm sorry i will be late home" Wife sends reply " dear husband you're also 54 and by the time u get this i'll also be at motel with 18yr old toyboy, you're a mathematician so you'll kno that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 into 18, so dont wait up floppy knob"!

2007-08-30 13:44:11 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I do not recall the answer at this time

I know Alberto G. resigned

2007-08-30 13:33:57 · 4 answers · asked by Moses 3

An obnoxiously loud, VERY rude, snarling woman walks into WalMart
with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way
through the entrance.
The WalMart Greeter (a seasoned elderly gentleman, gray of hair and with
still a little sparkle in his eyes) says, "Good morning and welcome to
WalMart. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?"
The rude woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't
twins. The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell
would you think they're twins?........ Are you blind or just stupid? Do
you really think they look alike?!"
"No," replies the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

2007-08-30 13:33:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

when i heard this i didn't get it at first but then after like 30 sec i started laughing so hard

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor". She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

2007-08-30 13:29:52 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who Is God?

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

"Daddy, does God love children?"

"Yes son, he loves all children."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

2007-08-30 13:22:33 · 8 answers · asked by Gem 5

A prank that's easy to cover up your trail and something WORTH doing, nothing stupid like jumping in pools, hiding alarm clocks around, etc...

2007-08-30 13:15:56 · 22 answers · asked by Kayt M 2

Ok so last nite i was being part of my schools fundraiser for our class trip and what i had to do was this people pay money to vote on what costume i had to put on that nite and the choices were suposed to be a scuba diver, a clown, and an m&m well when they were explaining the costumes to the audiance they all of the sudden added a new costume that i didnt know about and that was a ballerina! so now doubt everyone voted for the ballerina so i had to put on a pink tutu, pink tights, my hiar in a bun, and wear lip gloss and ballet slippers well i had to model it for the audiance and wear it the whole night a lot of people laughed and took pics. i found out later they planned this! was this funy wat they did to me and now all the girls are offering me hair bows , makeup, and to wear there dresses now

2007-08-30 12:55:57 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

should a one legged waitress work for IHOP??????

2007-08-30 12:49:28 · 8 answers · asked by dadforfive 6

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

2007-08-30 12:47:15 · 10 answers · asked by Homeless 1

Ok there is this really attractive women and 3 guys try to get her attention. 1 is mexican, 1 is white and 1 is Phillipino here is what happened.

Woman: Okay, If you guys can use the Chicken nut bread in a sentence how would you guys put it out?

Mexican Guy: My mom puts Chicken Nut Bread in my Burritos and I really like it!

White Guy: I Have Chicken Nut Bread for Dinner and It is A-Okay!

Phillipino Guy: I push my sister in the pool and Chicken nut bread!

[ Dont Get it? Then get outta here! jk lol ]

2007-08-30 12:23:35 · 3 answers · asked by mr_kevin2000 2

1. Seen on a caddy:
I still got it but no one wants to look at it anymore!

2. seen on a toyota:
Don't worry about avoiding temptation, As you get older it will avoid you!

Have you seen any new ones??????

2007-08-30 12:19:30 · 8 answers · asked by Praire Crone 7

A pirate walks into a bar with a shipswheel in his pants. The bartender says "Isn't that kind of bugging you?" The pirate says, "Argh! It's driving me nuts!"

2007-08-30 12:15:45 · 6 answers · asked by KennedyFX 2

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."

The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

2007-08-30 11:53:56 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

What happens once in a minute, twice in a moment and never in a thousand years?

2007-08-30 11:52:59 · 9 answers · asked by ? 3

A man goes into a bar with his dog and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" Without missing a beat, the guy says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh, I'm sorry, man" says the bartender, "here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink to a table near the door.
Another man comes in with a dog and the first man stops him and says "You can't bring your dog in here unless you tell the bartender that he's a seeing eye dog"
The second man graciously thanks him and continues on to the bar.
"You can't bring that dog in here!" says the bartender.
The second man says "This is my seeing eye dog."
The bartender says "No, I don't think so. They don't use Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs!"
The man pauses for half a second and replies "What! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

2007-08-30 11:29:59 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

2007-08-30 11:23:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

new tablet out is half viagra and half prozak

if you don't get a **** you don't give a ****

viagra eyedrops make you look hard

2007-08-30 11:20:11 · 12 answers · asked by puma 4

Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited

2007-08-30 11:16:10 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer to follow

2007-08-30 11:07:20 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer
from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any
cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun
at the Texas deputy's expense!

Deputy says," License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give

me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving
**** out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow
down?"

2007-08-30 11:06:19 · 15 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day-don't worry about that its no big deal

2007-08-30 10:58:37 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

............ FU Q

2007-08-30 10:51:04 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Viagra is now available in liquid form. Pfizer Drug officials today
announced the release of the wonder drug, Viagra, in a new, easy-to-take
liquid form. It is sold under the generic name "Mydixadud". Now, when men
come home from work in the evening they can pour themselves a stiff one!

2007-08-30 10:36:43 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A nursery class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

2007-08-30 10:34:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

walked into a bar, ordered a double scotch and moaned to the bartender. "An irate husband has written to me, threatening to have me bumped off unless I stop screwing his wife."
"So why don't you just stop? said the bartender.
"It's not as easy as that, replied tricky. "He didn't sign his name."

2007-08-30 10:32:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

2007-08-30 10:31:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a caravan is stranded in the desert with a 6-day walk back to civilation. each person in the caravan can carry a 4-day supply of food and water. a single person cannot go alone for help because one person cannot carry enough food and water and would die.how many people must start in order for 1 person to get help for the other to get back to caravan safety? tell how and why.



please say if u have heard this before

2007-08-30 10:23:27 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

2007-08-30 10:07:34 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous