Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

Why do little boys whine so much?


They are practicing to be men!!

2007-08-03 16:35:15 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

And you went through the proper channels with Customer Care and nothing happened. Maybe they responded by acknowledging your petition, but nothing ever came about as a result?

Was your account suspended or even deleted?

Was this because somebody got annoyed with what you posted or perhaps just because they had an axe to grind that day?

You couldn't do anything about it, could you? Somebody was abusing the "report violation" button, and you were getting the short end of the stick.

Well, you can fight this "injustice" by going to

http://tech.groups.yahoo.com/group/anti_nazi_allies/

Maybe if enough of us get together, we can persuade Yahoo! Answers to revamp their seemingly robotic report system.

Thanks.

Or you can just go ahead and report me.

2007-08-03 16:14:22 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

2007-08-03 16:07:38 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mom's helpers
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".

He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

2007-08-03 15:50:40 · 8 answers · asked by ? 6

(idk if youve heard this or not but here it goes)

two men are walking a bridge when they both have the urge to pee. well they are both "big" so they just hang their stuff off the side of the bridge. well both men touched the water. after awhile one of the men couldnt stand the scilence between them and said "wow" this water is cold!" the other man just looked over at him and said "yup, its deep too!"



Lame joke, and if you didnt get it just give it time to soak in if after 5 minutes you still dont get it feel free to bash your head in

2007-08-03 14:46:00 · 11 answers · asked by DustMonkey 3

I like this saying~
He who laughs last obviously didn't get the joke-

What do you think? Have you heard this before? Do you like it??

2007-08-03 13:51:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

and asks the barman:
- how much is a beer?
- 25 dollars sir.
- Ok give me one then.

The barman gives the kangaroo his beer and asks him:
- We don't see a lot of kangaroos walking in our bar you know
- Well if you sell your beer $ 25 don't ask me why..

2007-08-03 12:54:46 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

2007-08-03 12:51:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

and starts chatting with a farmer, asking him questions about farm life. At some point he asks:
- Could you tell with this cow has no horn? That's weird.
- You know sir, there are many reasons. Some cows are born without horns, some of them lost them in a fight, some of them because of a disease. But the one you are showing me, I would say it has no horn because it is a horse.

2007-08-03 12:48:54 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The funniest one or two liner gets my vote for best answer.

What's the difference between a strip club and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

2007-08-03 12:34:39 · 4 answers · asked by Morty Smith C137 7

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash,so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

2007-08-03 12:02:56 · 11 answers · asked by Hoffman 5

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the
world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the
death of a very important person, which almost went
unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey"
died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic
part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in...and that is when the trouble started.

2007-08-03 12:00:46 · 16 answers · asked by ? 7

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the
world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the
death of a very important person, which almost went
unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey"
died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic
part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in...and that is when the trouble

oh come on, you know that is funny.
started....

2007-08-03 11:58:09 · 10 answers · asked by ? 7

how to get rid of a tape worm in 10 days:
day 1-9:stick an apple and an egg up your butt.
day 10: stick an egg up your butt and when the worm comes out and says "wheres my apple?" hit it on the head with a hammer!

2007-08-03 11:55:17 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-03 11:54:54 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken
there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there
a song about him?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet
Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wish that i had never discovered the joke section?

2007-08-03 11:39:56 · 7 answers · asked by ? 7

Man bursting for the toilet but the gents is out of order. The toilet attendant see's his distress so says to him"use the ladies but don't push any buttons". In he goes and sits down. Never having been in the ladies before he has a good look around, he notices 4 buttons marked WW WA PP and one red one marked ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he pushes the first one and a lovely jet of Warm Water washes over his nether regions. "How lovely" he thinks. He then goes on to press WA and a fabulous jet of warm air lovingly dries him. OOOOOOOOOOOOOO he thinks this is great and tries the next onePP. A lovely soft Powder Puff pats his little botty completly dry and sweet smelling. Wow he thinks I can't wait for this next one and he pushes it.................2 days later he wakes up in hospital, he sees a nurse and asks what happened, oh she says you pressed the Automatic Tampon Remover, your pen1s is under your pillow!!!
MEN THEY NEVER LISTEN

2007-08-03 11:38:18 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 peanuts walked through the bronx, 1 was 'a-salted'.

Its kills me wen i'm drunk! Lmao

2007-08-03 11:37:27 · 12 answers · asked by Diablo69er 3

During a visit to the mental asylum,
a visitor asked the Director
how do you determine whether or not
a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull out the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?

2007-08-03 11:35:55 · 16 answers · asked by samthedog 3

Engineers have voted that the best engine in the world, is in fact a p*ssy, for the following reasons-

It takes any size piston....

It is self lubricating....

It starts with one finger....

And every 4 weeks it does it's own oil change!

It's just a pity the management system is so tempermental!!

2007-08-03 11:27:51 · 15 answers · asked by Phil C 3

5 SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP:
1. Its important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans & has a job
2. Its important to have a woman who makes you laugh
3. Its important to have a woman you can trust & doesn't lie
4. Its important to have a woman hu is good in bed and likes
being with you
5. Its very very important that the 4 bitches don't know eachother!!

2007-08-03 11:22:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames based on kinds of soda.1st woman " i'm gonna call Tom Mountain Dew because he's as strong as a mountain and he always wants to do it" 2nd woman" i'm gonna call Bruce 7 up because he's got 7 inches and its always up" 3rd woman "I'm gonna call my man Jack daniels" but thats a hard liquer said the first woman, "I know, thats my Leroy"

2007-08-03 11:20:32 · 13 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Hear about the woman who married three different Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and he kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second one was in Sales, and he kept telling her how good it was going to be in the next release.

The third was in Tech Support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now..."














































smila,you have post.....

2007-08-03 11:16:02 · 9 answers · asked by "!" 5

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")

9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb

16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please

17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat

18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies

19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost

20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency

21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes

22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too

23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous

24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home

27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary

28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag

2. You Can Change The Oil Too

4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas

6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right

13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

14. You, The Whining Sex

15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

17. How To Close The Garage Door

18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation

19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank

21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack

27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

2007-08-03 11:15:00 · 3 answers · asked by Anthony C 4

put it in a microwave until its Bill Withers....

2007-08-03 11:12:40 · 5 answers · asked by chris w. 7

for an examination up his botto.m
Whats wrong Doc can you see anything" he asked.
Well said the Doc." I can see a lettuce leaf sticking out"
" whats wrong with me, " Is it serious"
The Doctor said. " Well Its just the tip of the iceberg"

2007-08-03 11:11:14 · 11 answers · asked by chris w. 7

How would we make Myklia laugh on Saturday.?
Tell her a joke on Wedensday.

2007-08-03 11:02:36 · 13 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new people.

3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.

2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.

1. Mysteries are always interesting.

2007-08-03 10:51:43 · 4 answers · asked by Anthony C 4

What type of group that is made up of people like you and me?

Would you like to join an anti-troll group that plans to petition Yahoo to curb unfounded "violation notices"? This is not spam. We want to help.

http://tech.groups.yahoo.com/group/anti_...

2007-08-03 10:10:24 · 1 answers · asked by Patrick the Carpathian, CaFO 7

im pretty sure youve heard this one, but its good, i promise

A family took their frail
elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart"

2007-08-03 10:06:11 · 6 answers · asked by ceesteris 6