Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

Tell me!

It's quite a ridiculous joke.

Someone said that joke on Yahoo Answers but I can't find it - send me the link if possible.

2007-08-02 18:26:57 · 4 answers · asked by Alani J 1

Once there were two blonde friends. The first blonde had amazing skin, so the second asked how she got it. The blonde told her to go to the old farm and ask the farmer for a milk bath. She got there and requested the bath. The farmer then asked her if she wanted it pasteurized. "No, just up to my neck is fine," she replied.

2007-08-02 18:26:05 · 14 answers · asked by ♥...........♥ 5

Three men were sent to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in **** up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

Also if you are interested in an extra 2 points please answer this question:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AnHzxqtlljq3TaEU6ztQTMjsy6IX?qid=20070731183151AAPWd9U

2007-08-02 17:46:06 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was Sunday, and the entire congregation was sitting inside its customary
church. There were two interesting towns-people who had weird occupations
during the Reverend's readings... A man who always fell asleep, and a woman
who always knitted.

It just so happened that the two ended up sitting next to one another in
the front row this particular Sunday, each doing their respective thing
(sleeping and knitting). The Reverend starts:

"Who is the creator of our great universe? Who gave us life to cherish and
behold?"

At this point the lady who was knitting (with a double tipped needle) pokes
one side of it (accidentaly) into the sleeping man's side. The man woke up
and screamed "GOD!!"

"THAT'S CORRECT!!" the Reverend intoned. "Who is the son of God who came
down to visit the earth, and who did die for our sins?"

The lady poked the poor guy again and he woke up screaming "JESUS CHRIST!!!"

"THAT'S CORRECT!!" the Reverend cried. "And what did Eve say to Adam after
their last child?"

The lady pokes him yet again and the man, finally fed up, yells: "STICK
THAT THING INTO ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL BREAK IT IN TWO!!"

2007-08-02 17:43:52 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the difference between girls
aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68?
At 8-you take her to bed and tell her story.
At 18-you tell her story and take her to bed
At 28-you donnot tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38-she tells u a story and take u to bed.
At 48-you tell her a story and avoid going to bed.
At 58-you stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68-if u take her to bed that will be a story.
:-)

2007-08-02 17:26:52 · 5 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

One morning,The dad is reading a newspaper on the rocking chair.His three daughters went up to him and one of the girls asked,"How did I get my name?" The father replies,"A rose petal flew in the window of the hospital and landed on your forehead so we named you rose." "How about me?"asked another."A daisy petal flew in the hospital window and landed on your head,so we named you Daisy." The last one asked,"Duh si duh ba?" The dad said"Shut up Rock!"

2007-08-02 16:32:22 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 oclock in the morning by a loud
> pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
> drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
>
> Not a chance, says the husband. It is 3 oclock in the morning. He
> slams the door and returns to bed.
>
> Who was that? asked his wife. Just some drunk guy asking for a push!
>
> Did you help him? she asks. No. I did not. It is 3 oclock in the
> morning and it is pouring rain outside!
>
> His wife said, Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke
> down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself!
>
> The man reluctantly gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.
> He calls out into the dark, Hello. Are you still there?
>
> Yes, comes back the answer.
>
> Do you still need a push? calls out the husband.
>
> Yes! Please! comes the reply from the darkness.
>
> Where are you? asks the husband.
>
> Over here on the swing! replies the drunk

2007-08-02 16:04:13 · 17 answers · asked by Esperanza 3

Joke 2:
A 6 year old and a 4 year old were in there room playing. The 6 year old says,"You know what? I think it's time we started to swear! Everyone on TV does it! Why can't we?"
The 4 year old says, with great intrest,"Yeah!"
"When mommy asks us want we want for breafast ill say h&ll".,
"And I"LL say @$$!"

Mom: And what would my two handsom boys like for breakfast?
6 year old: Aw, hell mom. I want some Cheerios!"
Mom:(Throws him in a corner)
And you can just stay there till I let it all out!!!
(looks at 4 year old)
And what do you want for breakfast??!
4 year old: I dont know.... But you can bet your fat @$$ it won't be Cheerios....

2007-08-02 15:45:07 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 1st grade teacher was telling her pupils on the 1st day of class to start using "bid people words". To make this assignment more understandable, she asked the kids what they did over the summer. She called on a little girl, Sally.
"What did you do, Sally?," The teacher asked.
"I went to see my nanna!" She said
"No,"Corrected the teacher,"You went to see your GRANDMOTHER."
Then came Chris
"What did you do?"
"I took a ride on a choo-choo" He answered.
"No, you rode on a TRAIN."
Finall came little Alex.
"What did you to, Alex?"
"I read a book!"
"That's wonderful, Alex! And what was the book called?"
Alex just sat there for a while thinking and looking confused.
Then he sunndenly stood up, puffed his chest out with pride and said:
"Winnie-The-Sh*t."

2007-08-02 15:30:21 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-02 15:29:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-02 15:02:44 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once there was a man and a woman who were engaged. A week before the wedding, the bride goes to her mom. "Mom, I've got an awful problem. I've got really bad breath. My fiance doesn't know! What do I do?"
So mom told her to brush her teeth after every meal and mouthwash before she goes to bed.
That same week, the groom goes to his dad. "Dad, I've got an awful problem. I've got really smelly feet," he says. "My fiancee doesn't know. What do I do?"
His dad told him that it was no big deal, and said to wash his feet every night, and wear socks to bed.
So they got married, and they didn't figure out each other's secret.
Until one night, while they were both in bed, the guy woke up. He realizes that one of his socks is not on his foot! So he starts searching frantically for it, and he accidentally wakes up his wife.
She sits up groggily and says "WHHAAA-AAAT are you DOOO-ing?"
He smells her breath, looks at her, horrified, and says
"Omigosh, you ate my sock!"

2007-08-02 15:00:32 · 6 answers · asked by e-kay? 3

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She points him to the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she".

2007-08-02 14:56:47 · 30 answers · asked by ♥[[Thesweetestgurl]]B®i♥ 3

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

2007-08-02 13:57:29 · 17 answers · asked by John 2

another two for one....

2007-08-02 13:28:12 · 19 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

for the wekend. They have dinner in the restaurant, a drink in the bar, and they can't wait to go up to their room. In fact, they can't wait that long - as soon as they get into the lift they're all over each other.
Jim jr is pulling Myklia's panties down and in less than a minute they're at it.
Unfortunately, the door's open at the next floor and calamity, the chambermaid gets in.
"Well, really!" say's calamity.
"I'm sorry," say's Myklia, "We just had a couple of drinks and got a bit carried away. I don't normally behave this way."
"I'm sure you don't", say's calamity, "but this is the fourth time this week I've caught him at it."

2007-08-02 13:25:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

'A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

2007-08-02 13:19:41 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"


"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."



***Long Pause***







****Longer Pause*****







*****Even Longer Pause*****







Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . Is this 486-5731?"

2007-08-02 13:15:47 · 34 answers · asked by a m 4

JAM walks into the bedroom naked but entirely wrapped in clingfilm and say's to his wife, "Tell me the truth, do you think i'm a pervert?"
"I don't know about pervert," replies his wife,
"But i can clearly see you're nuts."

2007-08-02 12:52:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bakery owner hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread which is located on the very top shelf.

The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

Once she descends the ladder, he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As she retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

2007-08-02 12:49:58 · 7 answers · asked by Nola 3

The first word was pretty. Spanky stood up and said "Darla is pretty." The second word was beautiful. Alfalfa stood up and said "Darla is beautiful." The third word was dictate. Buckwheat stood up, thought for a minute, and said "Darla say my dictate good."

2007-08-02 12:46:15 · 5 answers · asked by firebabe208 2

and says "I'd like to hire a costume, i'm going to a fancy dress party as Adam." So the assistant gets out a fig leaf: "there you are sir, thats £5."
"No, thats not big enough," JAM says, so she gets out a bigger one.
"That one's £10."
"Still not big enough," JAM says, so she gets out an even bigger one.
"This one's £15," she says.
"No, i won;t fit into that," says JAM, so she gets out a hat that says 'esso." There," she says, "Wear this, sling it over your shoulder and go as a petrol pump."

2007-08-02 12:37:16 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I had a wet dream about u last night, she says "really" he says "yes u got hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughin"

2007-08-02 12:20:48 · 5 answers · asked by missthong2003 3

there's no joke

2007-08-02 12:09:57 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-02 12:07:36 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

2007-08-02 12:06:31 · 3 answers · asked by Lisa O 2

A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms: The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

http://www.colgate-smiles.co.uk/default.aspx?emaillink=59b160b0-3da8-4360-bda6-44cd8e77a9fe&sendemaillink=825

2007-08-02 11:34:30 · 9 answers · asked by misspinkkitten1978 3

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an
advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. He calls them on the phone & subscribes to the 3 day 10 LB weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door & when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck, it reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well, without a second thought he takes off after her.
A few miles later he finally catches her & has his way with her. He thinks to himself I like the way this company does business.
For the next two days, the same girl shows up & the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day he weighs himself & has lost 10 LB.
Deciding that he likes his more slender physique not to mention the method of treatment he calls the company back & subscribes to their5 day 20 LB weight loss program.

2007-08-02 11:27:40 · 19 answers · asked by MuffinMagic 1

don't feel well" and the doctor replies "Well, you're not eating right"!

2007-08-02 11:21:29 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
 GAUTENG: When you rearrange the letters: GET A GUN
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
 SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the:WOMAN HITLER
mind blowingly good!

2007-08-02 11:11:45 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous