Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says that they can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish. The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells "Eagle!" She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away. The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out "Salmon!" She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn. The blonde is at this point so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish. She panics.
"Crap!"

2007-08-01 22:50:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok once a beautiful young blonde boarded a plane, heading to new york. She went directly to the first class section, a stewardess came up to her and asked to see her ticket, the blonde handed it over. 'sorry ma'am, but your in the wrong side of the plane, I'm gonna have to ask you to move to main class'. 'But Im a beautiful young blonde' said the blonde lady. The stewardess asked again, but got the same reply, finally, she called on the captain. Dont worry, winked the captain to the stewardess, my girlfriends blonde. The captain whispered in the blondes ear, and she said, 'oh sorry, all right' and went to the other end of the plane. 'Whatr did you say to her captain?' asked the stewardess. 'Oh I just said this end of the plane wasnt flying to new york'.

Good huh? no offence to blonde people, but it is kinda funny!

2007-08-01 22:50:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

quack...pop...splat...splash

closest answer (or funniest) gets the points

2007-08-01 22:39:24 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three tortoises went into a cafe and ordered three chocolate milkshakes. Then it started to rain so they decided that one of them should go fetch an umbrella, The tortoise who offered to go was very worried that the others would drink his milkshake while he was gone. But when they assured him that the wouldnt, he finally set off. One day passed and he still had not returned, then two days and finally a week. One of the tortisos who was still waiting said "He's definitely wont be coming back now! Lets drink his milkshake". " i agree" said the second tortoise. Suddenly the third tortoise shouted angrily from the cafe doorway , " if you dare touch it, i wont go for the umbrella".

2007-08-01 22:19:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

So this harelip is out of work, every time he goes in for an interview they say "we'll be in touch" and never are. He's beside himself and desperate for a job, he answers an add for a door to door fruit salesman in desperation. He goes to the interview and tells the manager "Wook I gnow I can sell sees oranges mister" the manager stammers, "pwease I weally, weally need a shob" so the guy hires him, he loads his vehicle and heads for his route.
He's really good at it, his passion and enthusiasm is evident. With his last box he heads for a very nice large house on a corner lot. He knocks on the door, a lady in a see through dressing robe opens the door and says "Yes?" He goes into his pitch- "Jes Ma'am I'm selling oranges and their.." She say quick get in I hear someone coming" pulls him inside and shuts the door. She turns to him and says "Now where were we?" he starts again- "I'm selling these oranges, zay're weally, weally firm." she grabs his hand places it on her quite perky c cup breast and says "Are they as firm as this?" he thinks as he squeezes and says "OHHH I don't know zees oranges are weally, weally firm, but I don't think they're as firm a zees. But zees are weally, weally juicy..." she grabs his hand and places it on her girly bits and says "Are they as juicy as this?" he nags his head as he feels her and says "OHHH sees oranges are weally, weally juicy, but I don't think they are juicy as this." She says "Mister I'll buy those oranges if you'll just tell me what the best part of my body is."

He thinks for a moment and says "It's your ears." "My ears?" she says. Hey says "Yep, you remember when you said you heard somebody coming?" she nods yes he says "IT WAS ME!"

2007-08-01 22:19:11 · 5 answers · asked by Brad 2

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors every day and twice on weekends."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. ...But I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

".....Should I tell her the war is over?"

2007-08-01 22:17:59 · 8 answers · asked by Brad 2

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."

2007-08-01 22:09:23 · 7 answers · asked by br@ini@c 6

Why wasn't Bertha put in jail after killing dozens of people?

2007-08-01 17:45:01 · 4 answers · asked by Apple 2

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm Voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted Out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about You, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

2007-08-01 17:37:54 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

my name is christi and i like really need a new display name!! lol
right now its christi[licious]
but i have had that for a pretty long time!
so can u help?
thnx!

2007-08-01 17:21:24 · 4 answers · asked by Cheerup782 3

my name is christi and i like really need a new display name!! lol
right now its christi[licious]
but i have had that for a pretty long time!
so can u help?
thnx!

2007-08-01 17:20:35 · 1 answers · asked by Cheerup782 3

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer,and therfore changes his exam marks into A as agreed.
Afterwards he calls his best student and asks him the same question.
he immediately answers;"sir,u r 63 year old and married 2 a35 year old woman,which is legal,but not logical.your wife has a25 year old lover which is not legal but logical.the fact that u have given your wife's lover an A,altough he reallyshould have failed,is neither legal nor logical.:-)
star it if u like it.

2007-08-01 17:15:55 · 11 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

2007-08-01 17:02:27 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dick Cheney shot his hunting buddy with a super soaker

It was so cold-Vick was fighting penguins

2007-08-01 16:41:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here is a bunch of well known Phrases involving numbers.
Egzample...
26 = L of the A
this would be...
26 Letters of the Alphabet Understand??? Good Luck


1. 12 = S of the Z
Clue: Leo
2. 11 = P in a F T
Clue: Sport
3. 8 = P in our S S
Clue: Astronomy
4. 88 = K on a P
Clue: Music
5. 18 = H on a G C
Clue: Bunker
6. 90 = D in a R A
Clue: Obtuse (to easy)
7. 4 = S on a M B
Clue: Popular Game
8. 3 = B M
Clue: Characters in Shrek :D
9. 24 = H in a D
Clue: Time
10. 29 = D in F in a L Y
Clue: Calendar
You don't HAVE to get all of them right but the Person who gets most of them Wins
3 DAYS!!!

2007-08-01 15:40:40 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"

"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not!" answered his mother.
"If you do," Little Johnny went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? what did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"

2007-08-01 14:24:12 · 11 answers · asked by 5' 9 3

A guy goes to the post office to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says,"Why, yes, in fact I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer. "That counts in your favour. Do you have any service-related dissabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you. I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."
"The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?"
"Well, here at the post office, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our ba*ls for the first two hours. Don't need you here for that!"

2007-08-01 14:13:14 · 17 answers · asked by . 3

Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.

"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.

"Well, son" he explained, "Your mother and I are no longer in love."

Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?"

"Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love."

"But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you."

"I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?"

"Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbor, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"

2007-08-01 14:12:44 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

I rear ended a car a few days ago.......

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He was pi*sed!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"

I said, "Then which one are you?

2007-08-01 14:09:20 · 21 answers · asked by ♪ Pamela ♫ 7

Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you 'to have two men at once'. According to recent sociological study this is true, however, most men do not realise that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other man is cleaning.

2007-08-01 13:53:36 · 18 answers · asked by . 3

Jim Jnr staggers home at 3am after a pub crawl. On finding his wife awake and naked in bed he decides to show some interest. He gently kisses her on the forehead but no response.

He then softly kisses her lips and still no response. Moving downwards with his tongue until it finds a haven exploring her navel. No reaction whatsoever. His next move is to bend right down and kiss inside her right thigh just above her knee. At that moment his wife sits bolt upright and screams at him...."If it had been a pub you wouldn't have missed it!"

2007-08-01 13:40:40 · 11 answers · asked by . 3

Some fun for you people :)

---
Here are some ways to really annoy people big time...

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Name your dog "Dog".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.

2007-08-01 13:40:16 · 15 answers · asked by Blessing 2

or does it go further ie: oil?

2007-08-01 13:09:11 · 12 answers · asked by itsnot4girls 2

your mother was a whoree and ur father was a bastardd


lol, get the joke??

2007-08-01 12:49:29 · 5 answers · asked by desigirl64 3

An elderly couple were attending a church service, about halfway through she leans over and says, ' I just did a
silent fart, what do you think I should do?' He replies ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.

2007-08-01 12:40:58 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at

2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,

listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"

and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife answered, "I don't know, some

woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices

a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it,

looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks

familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde

hands her the compact. The second one

looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out

and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and

when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the

blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she

does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her

head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The

blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state

capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of

them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her

she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her

US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew

what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question

then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make

before he crossed the Delaware "

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to

find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the

police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast

the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was

the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached

the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,

shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all

my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman."

2007-08-01 12:34:42 · 18 answers · asked by torizmom12702 1

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen & done everything, & the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself,
she came to the conclusion that the quickest & surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart.
The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor & asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap

2007-08-01 12:34:37 · 6 answers · asked by BayDestRian 3

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

2007-08-01 12:19:21 · 22 answers · asked by CraazyGurl 2

and why?

2007-08-01 12:12:39 · 16 answers · asked by . 2

A brunnette and a blonde were in the park,walking. All of a sudden, the brunnette looked down and said, "Aww, a dead bird"
The blonde looked up to the sky and said,"where?"

2007-08-01 12:12:08 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous