Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

Baby Poop Brown
Baby Puke Green
Baby Puke Green Yellow (Limitied Edition!)
Farm Tractor Green
Hillbilly Overalls Blue
Dust Brown
Farm Crops Brown

2007-08-02 11:11:07 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I wrote this and the website didn't pay for it but I published it anyway. What do you think is it funny?

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/331020/guide_to_rednecks.html

2007-08-02 11:10:23 · 3 answers · asked by celeste817p 2

Smila and Babyblue, a nice young couple, were getting married and were planning on living with Babyblue's mother until they could establish a place of their own. On their wedding night, they went upstairs & were getting ready for bed. Smila started to get undressed, taking off his shirt first. He had hair all over his chest. Babyblue ran downstairs and told her mother.
"Mummy,mummy!! he's got hair all over his chest!"
Her mother replied, "Babyblue you go upstairs and make your mother proud."
So Babyblue ran upstairs & found Smila taking off his trousers. He was extremely hairy all over his legs. Babyblue ran down the stairs to tell her mother.
"Mummy, he's got hair all over his legs."
"Babyblue you go upstairs & make your mother proud."
Babyblue ran upstairs & found Smila sitting on the bed taking off his socks. Babyblue took one look, & ran downstairs.
"Mummy,mummy!! he's only got a foot and a half!"
At this, her mother yelled, "Babyblue!! you wait here, I'm going upstairs!"

2007-08-02 11:06:57 · 13 answers · asked by . 3

I interviewed for a Texas Roadhouse for a server position. I tried to be an confident as possible, looking him in the eye, shaking his hand... all that good stuff.

He handed me the application and I was like, "I'm going to go fill this out and then bug you for a job." :) ;-)

We sat down. I told him I had just moved here for a college but until then I'm saving up to buy a car.

I told him that the college nearby has the one of the best communications college in the state.

He asked for three things to describe my work ethic and i answered promptly with
"I never take anything person, I'm responsible, and I like to make work fun"

he said he has to talk to the manager tonight and then the training coordinator on Saturday.

and I asked him for the phone number of the restaurant (even though it was already in my phone) and told him I'd bug him on Sunday

2007-08-02 11:04:06 · 2 answers · asked by Ginny 1

joke 1

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly check-up. When it was finished, she asked her doctor, "How is everything."
He responded, "I`m very pleased and you are in great shape, and happy to announce that you are pregnant."
"No way!" she exclaimed.
He assured, "You are most definitely pregnant."
She stormed out of the examining room, grabbed the receptionist`s phone and dialed the private line to the Oval Office.
Bill answered the phone and she shouted, "I can`t believe it! I`m pregnant! You got me pregnant!"
The president didn`t say anything, so she continued to scream, "Didn`t you hear me? I`m pregnant! You got me pregnant!"
Hesitantly, the president said, "Um...Who IS This?"

joke 2

A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display.

The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled... "Got Milk".

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a whitemustache. It is entitled.... "Forgot milk".

The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled ...."Not Milk...."

2007-08-02 11:03:23 · 14 answers · asked by Oh My God! 6

3 people got stranded on an island. One blonde, one redhead, and one brunette. To shore it's about 20 miles and the brunette decides she will try and swim. With all of her strength she just barely makes it to safety. The redhead then gives it a go. She swims 15 miles, loses her strength and drowns. Next was the blonde's turn. She swam 10 miles, decided she was tired and swam back!

If you are interested in an extra 2 points please answer this question:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ak7ciT0W58cGCiN6vIYw8jzsy6IX?qid=20070731183151AAPWd9U

2007-08-02 10:55:58 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.

B. Once you have your new name, put it in the Subject box and forward it to friends and family and co-workers. Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you, so they know you participated.

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = Chesty
b = Fantasia
c = Starr
d = Diamond
e = Montana
f = Angel
g = Sugar
h = Mimi
i = Lola
j =Kitty
k = Roxie
l = Dallas
m = Princess
n = Heidi
o = Bambi
p= Bunny
q = Brandy
r = Sugar
s = Candy
t = Raquelle
u = Sapphire
v = Cinnamon
w = Blaze
x = Trixie
y = Isis
z = Jade

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = Leather
b = Dream
c = Sunny
d = Deep
e = Heaven
f = Tight
g = Shimmer
h = Velvet
i = Lusty
j = Harley
k = Passion
l = Dazzle
m = Dixon
n = Spank
o = Glitter
p = Razor
q = Meadow
r = Glitz
s = Sparkle
t = Sweet
u = Silver
v = Tickle
w = Cherry
x = Hard
y = Night
z = Amber

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = hooter
b = horn
c =tower
d = fire
e = thighs
f = hips
g = side
h = jugs
i = shock
j = cocker
k = brook
l = tush
m = sizzle
n = ridge
o = kiss
p = bomb
q = cream
r = thong
s = heat
t = whip
u = cheeks
v = rock
w = hiney
x = button
y = lick
z = juice

2007-08-02 10:52:22 · 110 answers · asked by Anonymous

My neighbours upstairs have a jack russell called "Lassie" and they think she is the best thing since sliced bread they thought she was the toughest dog in town. When we first moved in we talked about getting a doberman and our neighbours said that lassie would probably give it a nip to warn it. Yes it was a doberman we were getting!
Anyway here is the funny part we ended up getting a docile 10 year old black rescue cat called Jet and Lassie is TERRIFIED of him!!! So far Lassie has tried to corner Jet and she got a facefull of claws and just the other day they came face to face with each other and Jet clawed at her again and Lassie went screaming back into the close and refuses point blank to come anywhere near our house anymore! Whick suits me fine as I have never like the dog anyway!
So I just thought I would share that with you as it tickles me every time I think about it.

2007-08-02 10:45:26 · 12 answers · asked by ariose24 2

One day during lessons on proper grammer, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My Mom planned a beautiful banquet and we had a beautiful day," he replied.
The teacher responded "Excellent Michael."
Then reluctantly she called on little Billy.
"Last night , at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnangt, and he said "Beautiful, just f***ing Beautiful."

2007-08-02 10:22:43 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

How can I hop without my feet?
How can I swim with no tongue?
How can I fly with no wigs?
How can I make money without making money?
How can I fly, read, and Swim at the same time?
Where is New york City, at hell?
Why DO I ask so many questions?
What do french people look like
Where is my Dirty underwear?
Where is Borat?
Is Borat is wearing one of my mom's bra?
If you put the Word England and Italy together, what is it called?

2007-08-02 10:13:45 · 9 answers · asked by ? 4

I'm 18 years old and I know how they are made and all that jazz. I am looking for the funniest answer though. Whoever makes me laugh the most wins. Be creative but semi-clean. Thanks!

2007-08-02 10:05:17 · 15 answers · asked by kwhalee 2

2007-08-02 10:01:12 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get her husband Jim Jr M to have sex with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex. That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex. The next night she decided to try 4 pills and she had even better sex. Well the next night she tried 8 pills and the sex was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner. The next day her sister showed up at the doctor's office and and said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Brother in law? My sister's dead, my other sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and Jim jr M going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty!"

2007-08-02 09:20:26 · 18 answers · asked by "!" 5

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar . He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

2007-08-02 08:59:59 · 30 answers · asked by "!" 5

Jim jr M walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your jack rabbit?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"

2007-08-02 08:58:27 · 25 answers · asked by "!" 5

Fidgety fingers the gorgeous redhead, Calamity Jane the gorgeous brunette and Myklia the gorgeous Blonde were walking through a field and they came across some tracks. Fidget says "I think they are Deer tracks." Calamity says "I think they're Moose track's." Myklia steps into the middle of them and gets run down by a train.

2007-08-02 08:49:54 · 22 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs". The second floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs and Love Kids". The third floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking."

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

At the fourth floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework."

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak." She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: "You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. It too has six floors. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

2007-08-02 08:45:48 · 9 answers · asked by ? 4

My brothers birthday is coming up and I want to play a fun prank on him for laughs. A few years ago when he turned 22 I hired an older lady in town who dresses like Mother Goose to come and sing to him and embarass him in front of his co-workers. We live in a small town so singing telegrams or getting balloons delivered by a guy in a gorilla costume is not an option. I need ideas on something that I can pull off easily and without spending too much money.
I want the prank to be fun and don't want to hurt him (like a Jack@$$ stunt) but I want it to be memorable too.
Any ideas are welcomed! Thanks!!!

2007-08-02 08:29:27 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand

2007-08-02 08:23:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anthony C 4

2007-08-02 08:02:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement!
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

2007-08-02 07:40:09 · 4 answers · asked by ♥ Rachel The Great ♥ 4

Martha recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the Urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him------------

" Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes.
Then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said; "Herman, remember that blöw jöb I promised you?"
"Here it comes" ­

2007-08-02 07:36:27 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ Rachel The Great ♥ 4

By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

2007-08-02 07:33:49 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is bigger than the Universe,

Scarier than Hell,

Something that poor people have that rich people don't have?

2007-08-02 06:59:05 · 10 answers · asked by best.ninja.ever 1

...why cant you starve in the dessert

2007-08-02 06:56:55 · 10 answers · asked by Hello Kitty!! 4

Mom cooked venison (deer meat) for supper. The kids, Johnny and Susie, thought it was delicious, but didn't know what it was.

"What is this, Mom?" asked Susie.

Mom replied, "You'll have to guess. But I'll give you a clue. It's what I call your father sometimes."

Johnny yells, "Spit it out sis! It's asshole! It's asshole!"


Q: What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?

A: None. It just lets out a little wine.

2007-08-02 06:53:59 · 16 answers · asked by "!" 5

well a bear walks into a bar

the bartender says "what'll you have"

the bear says .. uhhh.. uhhhh I'll have a beer.

The bartender "alright, but what's with the pause?"

The bear says "uh I'm a bear"


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAA HILARIOUS

2007-08-02 06:47:42 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Figure out what the next number is in the ? place first one to get it correct gets best answer

think patterns

go here
http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=29428421&

2007-08-02 06:40:33 · 10 answers · asked by xSoDaPoPx 1

Who ever gets the correct answer to this riddle first gets ten points!!!!!!

2007-08-02 06:13:08 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

i need some sleepover pranks.

2007-08-02 06:07:02 · 9 answers · asked by I♥JonasBrothers 3