Here we go again,jokes.Try not to read if you get easily offended.?

Question

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In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the organizers of Manchester's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area), wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'Manchester' athletes.

100 METERS SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting

pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METERS HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences walls etc.)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelry as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicor style wages delivery man.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. Th

e bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship canal. The first three survivors back, will decide the medals

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of
Manchester.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will inc

e bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship canal. The first three survivors back, will decide the medals

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of
Manchester.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will inc

lude formation rave dancing by members of the Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing and music by the Stockport Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

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Answer 1

funny and so true lol

Answer 2

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says ...... "Is this some kind of joke?" Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts. The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks. The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek. The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek. The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark.She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead. The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again

Answer 3

do you know why the mexican goverment doesnt send a team to the olimpics in the usa?????



because any one who can run jump or swim is all ready here

Answer 4

ttttttttttttttoooooooooooooooooooo long!!! i got bored reading it at the 2nd line!!!