Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times.

Her docter told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky.

All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.

"Whats wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out".

"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?"

"Yes" replied the girl.

"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy came running in crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. "No" replied the boy, "I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!"

2006-12-06 18:43:37 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-06 18:40:18 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

" _h_t_ _ _ i _ _ m p _"
1. doctors hate me
2. children like to eat me
3.fishermen love me

2006-12-06 18:37:55 · 23 answers · asked by ARUNESH D 1

An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.The old man is getting ready but can't find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand dollars. So that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner.

"Well.." she said "each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box"

"And what about the thousand dollars?" asked the old man.

"Well..." Replies the woman "Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them"

2006-12-06 18:29:25 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.

The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.

Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me."

So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.

The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

2006-12-06 18:27:22 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

2006-12-06 18:25:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

2006-12-06 18:24:08 · 15 answers · asked by burnt bob 4

what did 1 tampon say to the other tampon?

2006-12-06 18:11:59 · 9 answers · asked by columbia 2

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.



Q: What do blondes and turtles have in common?
A: When they are on their backs they are screwed.


A blonde opened a box of Cheerios® and exclaimed "LOOK! A box of donut seeds!


Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

2006-12-06 18:11:27 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy was put in a line-up at the police station on an assault charge.

When the female victim was led in, he shouted: "that's her!"

2006-12-06 18:05:29 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Paddy replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Paddy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

2006-12-06 18:03:47 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A truck driver is driving down the road, when he sees a large sign that says CLOCKS.

He pulls over to the side of the road, runs into the store, and whips his d--k out and slams it on the counter. Calmly, the store attendent
explains, 'Sorry, sir, the sign outside says CLOCKS, not C--KS.'
The truck driver says, 'Yea. I know - just put two hands and a face on it, and I'll be happy!'

2006-12-06 18:01:34 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband
came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now
has company.

Boy: "Dark in here. "

Man: "Yes it is. "

Boy: "I have a baseball. "

Man: "That's nice. "

Boy: "Want to buy it? "

Man: "No, thanks. "

Boy: "My dad's outside. "

Man: "OK, how much? "

Boy: "$250. "

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover
are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here. "

Man: "Yes, it is. "

Boy: "I have a baseball glove. "

Man: "How much? "

Boy: "$750. "

Man: "Fine. "

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go
outside and toss the baseball.
" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them. " The father asks, "How much did
you sell them for? " The son says, "$1, 000. " The father says, "That's
terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than
those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you
confess. "

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little
boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here. "

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again"

2006-12-06 17:54:25 · 9 answers · asked by nydiva28 3

There's a couple going at it for the first time. After a while the
guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they
continue. A few minutes go by and he asks her again, "Open your legs a little wider". She does. Again, he says, "A little wider, Honey."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
When he once again asks, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
She finally yells, "What are you trying to do, get your balls in
too?" He says, "No. I'm trying to get them out."

2006-12-06 17:53:25 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched Alma's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't!!"

2006-12-06 17:50:58 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Laughing is so infectious........I laugh at almost anything because i love being happy!
The wackier the answer.......the better!
I hope your'e laughing when you are thinking of your answer to this Q!
Have a great day and remember to laugh at least 20 times during it.

2006-12-06 17:41:33 · 12 answers · asked by crazeeladee no more 5

Ok so this guy is sitting at a restruant eating when he finds a hair in his hamburger. He calls the waiter "Waiter I demand to see who is making the hamburgers!" She takes him behind the counter and he sees the chef squishing the meat between his armpits. So he says "Eww that's disgusting" the waiter says "You think that's disgusting wait to you see him make the doughnuts!"



Back in the day there were two things open late at night, the whore house and the hospital. Well when this kid came in late one night his mother asked him where he had been and he replied "Well I wasn't at the hospital"

2006-12-06 17:33:30 · 13 answers · asked by Careatha 3

Tell me if its funny,tell me if its not...

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.
They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!"
On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town.
She knew that he had never been kissed before.
When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt."
He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!"
She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me."
With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.
He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"
She said, "Why are you going to die??"
He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!!"

2006-12-06 17:12:46 · 8 answers · asked by ♣valentine melons♣ 4

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

2006-12-06 17:02:47 · 10 answers · asked by ♣valentine melons♣ 4

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.

3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)

7. You can train a dog.

8. Dogs are easy to buy for.

9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

2006-12-06 16:54:24 · 11 answers · asked by Mary 6

funny or not?

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral s e x she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral s e x she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

2006-12-06 16:52:50 · 11 answers · asked by ♣valentine melons♣ 4

funny?

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

After the doctor stops laughing he says, " Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress and as her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks:

"What the hell was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

2006-12-06 16:36:38 · 18 answers · asked by ♣valentine melons♣ 4

> > Number 3
> >
> > One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the
> > husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife
> > turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
> > gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
> > fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few
> > minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife
> > again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
> > too?"
> >

2006-12-06 16:29:43 · 19 answers · asked by texasblueslady 3

Number 4

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he
does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both
quite startled. The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I
know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your
penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

2006-12-06 16:28:29 · 20 answers · asked by texasblueslady 3

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese

I don't b-i-t-c-h to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and snurly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to lay you.

I'm rational, reasonable, logical too.
I know what the time is and know what to do.

I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see,
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

2006-12-06 16:16:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on......... but I like your thinking."

2006-12-06 16:07:07 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Penis Tax

The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that:

40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed
30% of the time it is hard up
20% of the time it is pissed off and
10% of the time it's in the hole

It has two dependents, but they're nuts.

Effective January 1, 2007, penises will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10"-12" Luxury Tax
8"-10" Pole Tax
5"-8" Privilege Tax
4"-5" Nuisance Tax

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Issues still under consideration are as follows:

Are there penalties for early withdrawal?

Do multiple partners count as a corporation?

Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

2006-12-06 16:00:46 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-06 15:41:33 · 7 answers · asked by explicitnights 3

a lorry driving is driving home from a long jorney when he see a monkey on the side of the road he decides to pick the monkey up and put him in the lorry.

Moments later a police car pulls the lorry driver over and says to the driver..
'Why have you a monkey in the car'
'lorry' the monkey was on the side on his own thought pick him up
'police' well i think you should take him to do zoo
'lorry' ok

Couple days later the police officer see the same lorry driver still with the monkey police pulls him over and says i thought i told you to take him to the zoo
'lorry driver says yes i did we had a great time we r going fishing tomorow

2006-12-06 15:31:56 · 14 answers · asked by hey 4

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off and angrily tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12 year old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden, the penis smacks against the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, 'Daddy, what was that?'

Not wanting to expose his twelve year old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, 'It was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face and after a few minutes says, 'Sure had a big penis, didn't it?'

2006-12-06 15:19:23 · 15 answers · asked by chris b 4