Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "Mississippi"!

2006-12-06 10:01:02 · 25 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

KENYA
u have 2 cows u eat Both of Them
u Blame the former President For Shortages
u Ask European Union 2 Give Another 2 Cows 2
Eat

TRADITIONAL
u have 2 cows u sell 1 and buy a bull
ur herd multiplies and the economy grows
u retire on the income

INDIA
u have 2 cows u worship them

PAKISTAN
u don't have any cows
u claim that the Indian cows belong 2 u
u ask the US for financial aid
China for military aid
British for Warplanes
Italy for machines
Germany for technology
French for submarines
Switzerland for loans
Russia for drugs
Japan for equipment
u buy the cows with all this and claim
exploitation by the world

AMERICA
u have 2 cows
u sell one and force the other 2 produce the
milk of 4 cows
u profess surprise when the cow drops dead
u put the blame on some nation with cows &
naturally that nation
will be a danger to mankind

FRANCE
u have 2 cows
u go on strike because u want 3 cows

GERMANY
u have 2 cows
u reengineer them so they live for 100 years eat once a
month and milk themselves

2006-12-06 09:58:30 · 6 answers · asked by Farhat 3

2006-12-06 09:52:55 · 20 answers · asked by The Warden 1

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

hmmm... not as good, is it?

2006-12-06 09:50:31 · 13 answers · asked by Low profile 3

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood and nobody offered me a damned thing."

2006-12-06 09:48:34 · 10 answers · asked by Low profile 3

There's this game kids play that seems to exist solely to confuse the one kid who doesn't know how to play it.

It goes something like this:

Alice: I have a box. [shapes hands like she's holding a box] I throw it to Jen and Jen throws it to Elexia. Who has the box?
Me: Elexia?
Alice: No. You have the box.
Me: okay...
Alice: Now you throw the box to Jen and Jen throws the box to me. Who has the box?
Me: You?
Alice: No. You have the box. Now you throw the box to me and I throw the box to Elexia. Who has the box?
Me: Me?
Alice: No. Elexia has the box. Now, Elexia throws the box to you and you throw it to me. Who has the box?
Me: I do?
Alice: Yes. Now you throw the box to Jen. Who has the box?
Me: Me again?
Alice: No. I have the box. I throw it to Jen. Who has the box?
Me: You?
Alice: No. You have the box.

etc.

How the freakin' HECK does this game work??????

2006-12-06 09:47:53 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hey, i need really funny jokes!!!! i usually can think of one but, i need to know some diffrent ones!! THANXS

2006-12-06 09:46:04 · 12 answers · asked by ? 1

This is from M&M's see what you can find
50 dark movies hidden in a painting
can you find them all
http://www.mms.com/us/dark/?zjxj=01200004W1725005W24W0

2006-12-06 09:44:05 · 13 answers · asked by a m 4

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

2006-12-06 09:41:44 · 28 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

2006-12-06 09:41:39 · 15 answers · asked by Low profile 3

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.
There, he was greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the government provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.

Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.

As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

2006-12-06 09:40:52 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

My husband last year for Christmas bought me a Tombstone he had it engraved with the words
"Here lies Ann cold as usual.".
so for his birthday I bought him one of those big angel tombstones
and in 2 foot letters I had the Mason write
"Here lies John
STIFF at last"

2006-12-06 09:39:45 · 10 answers · asked by st.abbs 5

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, ''Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?'' She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, ''No, I won't sleep with you tonight...you pig ''
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table with a red face. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, ''I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations.'' To which he responds, screaming at the top of his lungs, ''What do you mean $200 for a BJ?''

2006-12-06 09:39:03 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, howabout giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at meand started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse ****. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he startedwriting a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...

2006-12-06 09:31:36 · 18 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."

2006-12-06 09:20:07 · 21 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A: 9 Elephants and a Giraffe.

2006-12-06 09:17:56 · 9 answers · asked by zarda786 4

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

2006-12-06 09:16:46 · 12 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Peter Piper picked a peck of:

a) peppered pickles
b) pineapples
c) pickled peppers
d) pickled pickles

2006-12-06 09:14:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombsell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce".

I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"

"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed.

"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

2006-12-06 09:12:47 · 36 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Guy phoned the pizza shop and asked; "do you deliver?" "Shop keeper yes we deliver"." Ok said the caller can i have a liver and pineapple pizza?" Shop keeper sorry we dont do liver".Caller but you just told me you deliver"

2006-12-06 09:10:35 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

2006-12-06 09:01:31 · 19 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Can you help? The following is an anagram and the only clue I have is it's a high street store

BEREAVE AND CRY LENT
Don't have any ideas how many words it is!

2006-12-06 08:58:03 · 2 answers · asked by secret2009 2

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

2006-12-06 08:53:01 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"

2006-12-06 08:52:27 · 35 answers · asked by whatever 4

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

2006-12-06 08:47:38 · 12 answers · asked by bdphifer 1

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

2006-12-06 08:44:51 · 32 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Then is ray Charles god

lol

2006-12-06 08:39:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jack called his Boss one day and said, "Boss, I don't think I'm going to work today, I'm not feeling well". Boss said to Jack, "When I'm not feeling well I go to my wife for sex and I always feel better afterwards". Jack said "I'll try that". Later on Jack showed up at work. "Hey Boss, I'm glad you suggested the sex, by the way, you've got a real nice house".

2006-12-06 08:34:16 · 17 answers · asked by StewzoM 1

none

2006-12-06 08:32:32 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy and Malcolm are walking home after a night out on the piss. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.

Paddy has a brainwave and says to Malcolm "Get in there and steal a bus and I'll stay here and look out for the police".

Malcolm duly breaks into the garage. He is gone for twenty minutes and Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door to see Malcolm running from bus to bus looking very worried.

"What the f*u* are you doing Malcolm? Get a move on!"

to which Malcolm replies

"I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy!"

Paddy holds his head in his hands in complete disbelief and shouts.

"You f*u*ingidiot Malcolm, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"

2006-12-06 08:31:06 · 18 answers · asked by ronald.j 1