Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.
He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question again. He went away.
A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked what he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly told her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her driver's license.
He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in sex."

2006-12-06 08:28:11 · 13 answers · asked by StewzoM 1

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.”

The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy ****, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy ****! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ***, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"

2006-12-06 08:24:48 · 20 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

It is hard to find a joke without a dirty word or two in it. Here is one with none:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

2006-12-06 08:21:08 · 15 answers · asked by mefussa 2

A bloke walks into a pub and walks up to the bar. The barman is stunned to see that instead of a normal head the customer seems to be sporting a giant orange in its place. The orange headed fellow buys a few drinks and after a while he and the barman begin chatting.

"I hope you don't mind me asking mate, but you seem to have a giant orange instead of a head." the barman blurts out.

"Well yes," the orange headed customer replies. "There is quite a funny story behind that actually. You see, a few weeks ago I was an ordinary bloke. I was walking along the beach and my foot just happened to kick a bottle sticking out of the sand. I picked it up to discover it was very, very old. I unstoppered it and, just like in the movies, a genie appeared and granted me three wishes."

"Yeah? No ****? What did you wish for?" enquired the barman.

"Well, for my first wish, I wished that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams. And so Kapow! right next to me, on the beach appeared treasure chests full of gold, precious gems, priceless works of art, the works!"

"******* hell!" exclaimed the barman, "but, " he said looking at the giant orange resting on the customers shoulders, "What did you wish for for your second wish?"

"Well what does every man want after wealth...? Women, of course. I wished that I wanted a whole harem of women to do my bidding day and night. So, Kapow! All around me appeared hundreds of women, all sizes and shapes, all colours, all completely different, apart from one thing. They all adored me! Worshiped me! would do anything and everything that I commanded of them."

"Right...," said the perplexed barman. "So, what on earth did you wish for for your third wish?"


"Well," replied the customer, "for my third wish, I wished, that I had a giant orange for a head."

2006-12-06 08:16:41 · 12 answers · asked by ronald.j 1

There are 3 swithes to a storage closet. 1 of them turns on the bare lightbulb in the closet and the other two do nothing. Your goal is to find the switch that turns on the lightbulb. But you can only enter the closet to check the light bulb once. You can't see the light until you enter the room. You can't use a pole or mirrors to solve this. You only need 10 minutes or so to do this. How can you figure out which switch is the right one?






Hint: you can touch the lightbulb

2006-12-06 08:15:21 · 9 answers · asked by KYZ 2

10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph’s Honker!
7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

2006-12-06 08:12:38 · 12 answers · asked by ~LAX Mom~ 5

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Your mom's so fat, when she dances the band skips.

Your mom's so fat, I have to take a bus a train and a cab just to get on her good side.

Your mother's so fat, her clothes have stretch marks.

Your mother's so fat, she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.

Your mother's so fat, you could slap her butt and ride the waves.

Your mother's so fat, she needs a hula hoop to keep her socks up.

Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

2006-12-06 08:11:17 · 24 answers · asked by ronald.j 1

2006-12-06 08:08:50 · 6 answers · asked by Rosika B 1

The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer. They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.

Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzy Bear dung.

Black Bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it.

Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray!

2006-12-06 08:08:34 · 10 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What in the world did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sigh of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"

2006-12-06 08:06:52 · 13 answers · asked by StewzoM 1

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

2006-12-06 08:04:08 · 4 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving
together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled
with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully
placed in rows covering the entire wall!


It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
organizing the display.


There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears
covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large
collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is
quite impressed by his sensitive side.


They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while,
she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity,
and more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of
raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the
afterglow.


The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how
was it?"


The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

2006-12-06 08:01:05 · 24 answers · asked by mrqprfc 2

The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.
"Yes," says the elephant. "I have Turtle recall."

2006-12-06 07:58:27 · 11 answers · asked by al p 3

Once upon a time there was a little yellow toad crying in the forest. The Good Witch
came along and asked the little yellow toad, "Why are you crying, my friend?" The little
yellow toad said, "All my friends are green and I'm yellow. I want to be green like all my
friends...sniff, sniff." The Good Witch replied, "No problem!" And she tapped the little
yellow toad with her magic wand and the little yellow toad turned green...all except his
private parts, which remained yellow. "Oh no!!" exclaimed the little toad, "I can't go
through life all green except for my private parts! You have to make me green all over!"
The Good Witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the
Wizard!" So, off the little toad went to see the Wizard.

The Good Witch continued on into the forest where she came upon a little brown squirrel
crying very hard. "Why are you crying, little brown squirrel?" the Good Witch asked.
"Because," said the little brown squirrel, "all my friends are red and I want to be red,
too...sniff, sniff." "No problem!" said the Good Witch. And she tapped the little brown
squirrel and turned him red... all except his private parts, which remained brown. "Oh,
no!!" exclaimed the little squirrel, "I can't go through life all red except my private
parts! You have to make me red all over!" But the Good Witch said, "Sorry, I don't do
private parts. You will have to go see the Wizard!" But the little squirrel started crying
harder and said, "But I'm new around here! I don't know the Wizard! How will I find
him??" And the Good Witch said, "Oh, that's easy! Just follow the yellow pr.ick toad...."

2006-12-06 07:54:32 · 4 answers · asked by al p 3

Vibrator
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" Asked the mother.

"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" He asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."

The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the football game on TV.

"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!!"

2006-12-06 07:49:22 · 22 answers · asked by chris b 4

This nice coloured guy moved in next door, hes got like all these ponytails on his head looks quite funny. Anyway hes asked me to come round and he said we can have a drink, he also said bring some roaches and some skins and we can get high. Well i can get some Roach from the aquarium and some rabbit skins from the butcher, but im not climbing anything high i get vertigo!!

2006-12-06 07:48:53 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-06 07:41:54 · 11 answers · asked by Henry J 1

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"

After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit.

2006-12-06 07:36:56 · 30 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

2006-12-06 07:30:49 · 33 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

You know like Bush " I like books coz sometimes they've got really great pictures in".

2006-12-06 07:28:10 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know there is a joke with this punchline, but I can't remember the whole thing. It's about a man who dates a woman with a wooden eye. She is sensitive about it and misunderstands a question he asks her.

2006-12-06 07:21:05 · 5 answers · asked by Tenacious P 2

What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?

What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?

What does a dog do that you can step into?

What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?

What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10. (last name)

2006-12-06 07:19:44 · 12 answers · asked by al p 3

I'm writing a story and in it the main character, a girl in High School, is going to get back at a jerk with a prank with her best freind. What should she do to him?

2006-12-06 07:11:23 · 9 answers · asked by moonflower_cat 1

You know you're living in 2006 when.....
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

2006-12-06 07:06:56 · 36 answers · asked by chris b 4

My wife doesn't like the old car i got her, she said she wanted something that goes from 0 - 140 in 3 seconds, so i got the ***** a set of bathroom scales...!!!

2006-12-06 07:05:21 · 7 answers · asked by ROBSTER 4

to all my friends on this site in england i watched a program on tv the other night wich showd me something really good.if we all do this then there will be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
follow these instructions
press star then hash then type in 06 then hash again and a serial number will appear write this number down and if your phone i s stolen then the old bill can return it.but here is the best thing register this number on IMMOBILISE .COM and if your mob is stolen then contact them and your phone will be absolutely useless to anyone ever again.now you might never get your mob.back but what a great feeling that no-one else will ever be able to use it .try it anddo it.this was on a prog.called manhunt on monday and it was told by the old bill so do it.

2006-12-06 07:04:45 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Me and my friend want to play some pranks on these guys that are our friends. We are only 1 2 .The guys are only 1 2 .We can not get into their houses any good pranks we could play on them?

2006-12-06 07:01:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Husband
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore,
you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't
love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my brother, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life
you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

2006-12-06 07:00:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I DONT KNOW?????

2006-12-06 06:58:14 · 13 answers · asked by Chuck Norris 1

Did anyone here about the magic tractor, it drove down a lane and turned into a field.

2006-12-06 06:57:49 · 10 answers · asked by ROBSTER 4