Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly an airhead), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife replied, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

* * * *

Two airheads are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second airhead says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first airhead hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

* * * *

An airhead suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The airhead replies, "Shut up! You're next!"

2006-12-06 04:37:39 · 9 answers · asked by latrece81 2

A man called home to his wife and said: "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is good opportunity
for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she did
exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired
but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why
didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

You'll love the answer...... ..






The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing
box..."

2006-12-06 04:31:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dog for sale, he will eat anything, he likes children in particular.

Isn't it funny?

2006-12-06 04:31:30 · 9 answers · asked by cpinatsi 7

don't hold back!

2006-12-06 04:30:52 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-06 04:25:59 · 9 answers · asked by tdakpj 3

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook

2006-12-06 04:23:11 · 29 answers · asked by Sexi B..i.t.c.h 1

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argugment and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pig´s, the husband asked sarcastically,"Relatives of your´s?" "Yep" the wife replied " in_laws".

2006-12-06 04:21:57 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-06 04:17:09 · 9 answers · asked by timc_fla 5

Die?

In your sleep like my Grandfather,

or

Screaming like the passenger in his car?


No it never really happened like that, it's only a joke

2006-12-06 04:13:27 · 18 answers · asked by Agustin-Jean F 4

Man finds a small lamp whilst walking along the beach and decides to clean it. POW a genie appears and grants him three wishes. The first two were the usual, money, beautiful women etc. but the third wish totally knocks the genie back. “You want what!!!?” The man explains that he does not like planes or boats so he wants the genie to build him a bridge across the atlantic ocean, coz he always had this desire to visit the US of A. “Um, just think of it, all the builders, labourers, materials, design people and not to forget the logistics, no sorry I can’t do that one” says the genie “what do you want for your third wish?” ‘Oh! Ok’ says the man, ‘I’d like to be able to understand the complexities of a woman’s mind’. “F*ck it” says the genie “How many lanes do you want on this f*ucking motorway?”

2006-12-06 04:12:57 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

What has Six legs, but walks on only four?

2006-12-06 04:12:24 · 13 answers · asked by confuzzled.... 1

2006-12-06 04:10:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I mean, you often find the one shoe and not the other. How can someone lose just ONE SHOE????? Or is it the shoe from the fairy at the top of the Christmas tree who only has one leg and has no need for the other shoe?

2006-12-06 04:03:14 · 15 answers · asked by gorgeousfluffpot 5

A guy goes to the doctors to discuss fertility treatment for him and his wife. He explains that after years of trying there is still no result. The doctor carefully reads his notes and then motions him to go behind the curtains. “Remove all your clothes” he says “put on the green robe and come back here”.
When he returns the studious doctor tells him to open the front of his gown. ‘Hmmm, yes, Hmmm, I see’ said the doctor. Embarrassed the guy says to the doc “To be quite honest doc I don’t think I have the right knack”. Quick as a flash the doc replied ‘No you haven’t got the left f*cker either’.

2006-12-06 04:00:10 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man with no eyes,
See's a plum tree,
He takes no plums,
He leaves no plums,
The Answer is Plural

I can't figure it out and i was wondering if anyone else had any clue....

2006-12-06 03:59:53 · 8 answers · asked by ben t 2

i remember hiding behind the sofa when I was a child watching Dr. Who, and the Daleks were coming along London's Embankment chasing Dr. Who. He ran down some steps and then they were also on the lower level - how did they do that? This is a question from Mr. GorgeousFluffpot again who has put away his football and toy plane and is now dressing up in his Dr. Who outfit!!

2006-12-06 03:59:35 · 11 answers · asked by gorgeousfluffpot 5

Paddy, Mick and Murphy (who sad to say, stutters) were discussing the Cheltenham Races and how to get time off from the building site. Their boss was an uncompromising Bastard and a bully to boot. One day they were up on the third floor, when Paddy sees the foreman walking across from site from the office. “Watch this f*cker” says Paddy. He grabs a brick and drops it where the foreman is walking “FOREMAN WATCH OUT!!!” shouts Paddy. The foreman looks up sees, the brick and takes evasive action. When he gets to the third floor he thanks Paddy and gives him a week’s holiday. Perfect for the horses, so Mick thinks about having a go too. Later that day the foreman is coming across the site, Mick drops a brick, ‘FOREMAN WATCH OUT!!!’ the foreman takes evasive action and gives him a week’s holiday too. RESULT. Murphy thinks to himself that he’s not going to be outdone so he waits. Eventually the foreman exits his office and Murphy drops a brick over the side of the scaffolding, “FU FU FU FU FU FU FU f*ckin hell I’ve hit him”.

2006-12-06 03:58:20 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2006-12-06 03:58:08 · 6 answers · asked by bbwandsingle1980 3

I just have ten toes altogether on two feet. The answers were hysterical except for one.

2006-12-06 03:57:28 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

2006-12-06 03:56:54 · 4 answers · asked by eeyoree rocks2003 7

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

2006-12-06 03:56:40 · 1 answers · asked by bbwandsingle1980 3

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

2006-12-06 03:55:07 · 4 answers · asked by bbwandsingle1980 3

Everytime i ask a question my points go lower :(

2006-12-06 03:54:40 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

so he gives it a quick rub and hey presto, out pops a genie.
The genie grants him three wishes, which will come true within 24 hours.
So, the man goes home and makes the 3 wishes wisely.
The next day, there is a knock at the door and he answers it to be presented with a 1,000,000,000 check
10 minutes later there is another knock, this time there before him there is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, who declares her undying love.
5 minutes pass and the third knock sounds, the man answers the door to find a figure in front of him dressed in a white gown,white hood & carrying a charred cross in one hand and a noose in the other, He then says "Are you the CU*T who wants to be hung like a Ni*ger"

2006-12-06 03:47:14 · 6 answers · asked by Yung Prince 2

2006-12-06 03:44:05 · 6 answers · asked by healsr4f 2

"So tell me Sir Paul" can you ever see yourself going down on one knee again?"

Sir Paul: "I'd rather you just called her Heather".

2006-12-06 03:36:32 · 13 answers · asked by leedsmikey 6

what did donald duck say 2 the prositute

PUT IT ON MY BILL

2006-12-06 03:35:08 · 34 answers · asked by Sexi B..i.t.c.h 1

Anyone know the definition of "relative humidity"?..its the sweat that builds up on the small of your back when your screwing your sister-in-law!

2006-12-06 03:29:10 · 9 answers · asked by CaptCanuck23 2

2006-12-06 03:21:41 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Heres a tip for all of you with eyes meant not to see.
Look deep within to find this man of one you'd like to be.
No never you mind the state hes in or even his voluptuous frame
for once you know who i mean nothing will ever be the same
Now you may I ask who is this fool and what is it that he says
all you must know to survive the blows is 3 of them you must praise.
now tell me once , two times, and three this man u find within
is he foe, or is he kin, or maybe your best friend

2006-12-06 03:19:37 · 3 answers · asked by Craig G 1