Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

a fancy dress party with just his Y-fronts on his head, when asked what he is he says "Iv'e just come in my underpants" !!!!!

2006-12-06 01:39:58 · 8 answers · asked by pokerfacelad 4

A casually dressed young woman is pushing her car to a Hotel, knowing that when she gets there she will be declared bankrupt. Why would she do this?

2006-12-06 01:38:51 · 12 answers · asked by doody1111 2

Place her in a round room and tell her to stand in the corner.

2006-12-06 01:38:34 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to sort the Ws from the Ms.

2006-12-06 01:36:58 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

whats the difference between a pexis and a bonus













you wife will always blow your bonus

2006-12-06 01:36:52 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man goes to a fancy dressparty wearing nothing but a jamjar on his coxk
a lady says to him what are you dressed as



a fireman you break the glass pull the kxob and i will came as fast as i can

2006-12-06 01:31:50 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up rugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the judge said to the second boy.

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison...' "

2006-12-06 01:29:35 · 14 answers · asked by Rock 2

a girl went to see her doctor because she had a strawberry stuck up her arxe






the doctor said i have some cream for that

2006-12-06 01:27:24 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

This neighbor lady said, to the little girl , good morning Nancy, "What are you doing"?
SOB , my goldfish died , so I'm burying it!
The lady said, that hole is way too big , to bury that goldfish, "The little girl said, i know , because my goldfish is inside your cat"!!

2006-12-06 01:23:03 · 10 answers · asked by ? 3

2006-12-06 01:22:17 · 5 answers · asked by Kain 5

A billionaire decides to have a huge party for his 50th birthday in his garden, with a bar, a band, food, waitresses, swimming-pool,etc. He invites all his neighbours, and he invites Paddy as well, the only Irish man in the neighbourhood. So the party is on, champagne, petits fours, everything is great. Then the billionaire says :"I'll give 1 million euros to the first person who dares to fight the alligator who is in the swimming-pool". The sentence wasn't finished yet that Paddy is in the water fighting for a make or break war with the alligator. After 10 mins of fight, Paddy kills the alligator. The billionaire arrives :"Ok Paddy, I'll give you the million euros.
-I don't want the money !
-What do you want ? My porsche, so take the keys.
-I don't want your porsche !
-Do you want my golden rolex ? come on take it !
-I don't want your watch !!
-So what do you want ??
-I want the name of the asshole who pushed me in the water !!!

2006-12-06 01:21:50 · 16 answers · asked by Rock 2

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

2006-12-06 01:16:43 · 9 answers · asked by Rock 2

It has everything in it beds, tv's and fridge. He decides to show off to his prick brother in law after showing his wife. The brother in law is not impressed and decides to show off his new Mercedes. He says that the car is so good that the lights stay dry even in the rain. the man replies ''Wow............. I got a place to f@*k your sister

2006-12-06 01:15:38 · 3 answers · asked by firestarter 2

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''

''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.

''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''

2006-12-06 01:13:15 · 7 answers · asked by Kemodo 344™ 3

Dear Friends,


I have been watching you very closely

to see if you have been good this year

and since you have I will be telling my elves

to make some goodies for me to

leave under your tree at Christmas.


I was going to bring you all

gifts from the 12 days of Christmas,

But we had a little problem.
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have

all come down with VD from fiddling with

the 10 ladies dancing,

the 11 lords leaping have knocked up

the 8 maids a-milking, and the

9 pipers piping have been arrested

for doing weird things to the

7 swans a-swimming.
The 6 geese a-laying,
4 calling birds,

3 French hens,
2 turtle doves
and the partridge in a pear tree
have me up to my sled runners in bird ****.

On top of all this!

Mrs. Claus is going through menopause,
8 of my reindeer are in heat,



the elves have joined the gay liberation

and some people who can't read a calendar

have scheduled Christmas for the 5th

2006-12-06 01:11:45 · 8 answers · asked by ? 3

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons. This farmer had just inherited some of money from his brother's recent death. He couldn't decide which son he could send to college, since he could only afford to send one. This farmer also had two ducks. These ducks were retarded. They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal. He told his sons that whoever could get the most money for the duck would go to college. The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could. The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard. The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks. He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck. The son decided this was very good, so he took it. He decided his brother wouldn't be able to get close to his success. The second son was walking and passed a whorehouse. He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck. One girl said fine. After they fucked, she decided that she didn't want the duck anymore. The son said he would take the duck back if they fucked again. She agreed. After they fucked the second time, the son left. He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash. The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car. The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusely. The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck. She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off. When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got. He proudly displayed the 10 dollars. The farmer was impressed. He asked the second son the same thing. "That's nothing. I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and 25 dollars for a f***ed up duck."

2006-12-06 01:11:01 · 6 answers · asked by Kemodo 344™ 3

What’s greater than god?
Eviler than the devil
The poor people have it
The rich people don’t want it
And if you eat it you die?
(What is it?)

The maker makes it but doesn’t need it
The buyer buys it but doesn’t use it
And the person that needs it doesn’t see it but needs it
(What is it?)

2006-12-06 01:08:23 · 4 answers · asked by p1mp_1n 1

Three nuns die, but they all have to answer one question to get into heaven. The first nun is asked who the first man on earth was. She replies, ''Oh that's easy, Adam!'' Lights flash and the pearly gates open.

The second nun is asked ''Who was the first woman on earth?'' she says, ''That's easy, Eve!'' Lights flash and the gates open.

The Third nun is asked, ''What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?'' The nun is puzzled and can't figure it out, so she says, ''That's a hard one.'' Lights flash up and the pearly gates open.

2006-12-06 01:03:36 · 12 answers · asked by Kemodo 344™ 3

once there was a farmer who had some hens in his farm that is near his house , went oneday to collect the egges from the hens, he did and came back with the egges, ( he didn't know how many egges were there) in his way he met a man who asked his "" pls give me half the egges and half an egg'', the man asked him to take what he wants, and then gone , after a while he met and other man and asked him the same,'' pls give me half the egges and half and egg'' the man told him to take them, after an other while he met an other man and asked him the same request '' pls give me half the egges and half an egg'' the man replies with the same, he gave him what he asked for,
Note. none of the egges was broken into halves,
when the man arrived home he looked at his bag he found out that the egges were finished,
so who can tell how many egges were there ?!!

2006-12-06 00:56:08 · 7 answers · asked by Eagle Eyes 2

there once was a guilty man was judged to death, but they gave him the last chance , it is that , they gave him a hen and asked him to kill it in a way that they can't use it to kill him.
after some time, the man killed the hen in a way that in impossible to kill a human with, so they released him...... can anyone knows how ????

2006-12-06 00:39:44 · 7 answers · asked by Eagle Eyes 2

An old dog lived. Her husband used to save money that she earned in a cupboard. 1 day, the husband had to go for some work for 3 months. One day she opened the cupboard and foung no money in the cupboard, so she phoned the detective inspector Barker and told him the story. He went to her house and asked her whether her husband had left any clue. She said that he left a note saying " 7+6= 1, the money is there."
What is the place "7+6= 1"?
A hint is given that the thing is in everyone's house.

2006-12-06 00:35:14 · 6 answers · asked by daniel c 2

1. Start at London Heathrow Airport.

2. Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

3. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

4. Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" - follow for 0.2 miles.

5. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for 0.3 miles

6. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit" - follow for 2.9 miles

7. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2 miles

8. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles

9. "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles

10. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles

11. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles

12. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles

13. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles

14. Take "E exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5miles 15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles

16. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1miles

17. Arrive at the centre of town.

2006-12-06 00:34:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

wife was famouse in some way which would he pick?

Here are the three wives:
1. Jennifer Lopez
2. Local town beauty
3. Catherine Zetta Jones

2006-12-06 00:29:30 · 9 answers · asked by dan p 2

1. How old am I ?

2. What do I study at Uni ?

3. What brand of Mobile to I use?

Whoever gets the closest answers wins!

2006-12-06 00:25:21 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

man with a very large manhood have for breakfast? Well this morning I wasn't very hungry so I just had toast !!!!!!!

2006-12-06 00:13:00 · 14 answers · asked by Shredder 6

How many of each animal did moses take on the arch?

2006-12-06 00:08:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a flight to los angles and there was one seat in first class that was empty so she goes and sits in it, the flight atendant sees this and askes her to leave

"shant leave until i reach LA"

The air hostess goes to the captin and explains that this blonde women won't move. so the captin decides to go and ask her to move.

"shant leave until i reach LA"

The captin comes back stumped, the co piolet then says

"i have a blonde girfriend i will sort it"

He goes over says a few words and the blond gets up kisses him on the cheek and say

"thank you ever so much"

The captin and the air hostess are amazed "what did you say" the co poilet tuns around and say "I told her that first class wasn't going to LA

2006-12-06 00:07:39 · 17 answers · asked by Kemodo 344™ 3

Arguing with your Boss is like
'wrestling with a pig in mud'.
After a while, you realize that
while you are getting dirty,
the pig is actually 'enjoying it'.




Help a man when he is in trouble and
he will remember you
when he is in trouble again !!!!







Complex problems have simple,
easy to understand wrong answer




Behind every 'successful woman',
is a man who is surprised !!!!







Alcohol 'doesn't solve any problems',
but then again, neither does milk .







Most people are only 'alive' because
it is illegal to shoot them.







I'm not a complete idiot,
there're still some parts missing !!!!







Forgive your enemies but
remember their names.




The number of people watching you
is directly proportional to the stupidity of your
action .




I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a
piece of my finger to my
father ....
He said he wanted more proof.




Some pain is physical and some is mental,
but one that's both is dental !!!!




Life is pleasant, death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome.




LOVE YOUR JOB BUT NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR
COMPANY, COZ' U NEVER KNOW
WHEN COMPANY STOPS LOVING YOU

2006-12-06 00:00:57 · 7 answers · asked by ☺•˚ºo(█?) 2

Wild Bill Hickock nancying about in a cherry orchard with a doily on his head?

2006-12-05 23:39:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter,something or other...."

2006-12-05 23:38:48 · 13 answers · asked by ~LAX Mom~ 5