Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

2006-12-05 17:48:08 · 13 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

Three guys die and go to hell.

When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.

"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.

"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.

So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"

To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"

As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.

"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.

"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"

2006-12-05 17:46:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have a Korean friend by the name of Pong Ping. Should I play ping pong with him?

2006-12-05 17:42:15 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress!
Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it", she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"

2006-12-05 17:29:22 · 11 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The Evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV and placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his penis. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it, do you??!! The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, NOT to raise the dead!!!"

2006-12-05 17:25:09 · 10 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

lol. Ok make me laugh .......

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

2006-12-05 17:22:38 · 2 answers · asked by Thumper 5

Any one knows the origin why blond and lawyer jokes are so popular?

There might also priest jokes, but I don't want to discuss it because of religius respect

2006-12-05 17:18:19 · 11 answers · asked by fBass 2

These 2 English missionaries are walking in the jungle and get captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are brought back to the village and shown to a big pot on top of a fire. The chief of the tribe says to the 2 gentlemen "You have a choice, Chi-Chi or death ?". The 1st missionary says "Chi-Chi". So the whole tried bum rapes him. The other gentleman is offered the same choice. Having seen what happened to his colleague, he thinks for a second and says "I will choose death. I shall die as a proud Englishman !". The chief of the tribe says "ok, but Chi-Chi first !".

2006-12-05 17:17:47 · 13 answers · asked by Jazz 4

three people are standing on a building, A beautiful brunette, a smart Blond, and Santa. Which one will jump first?

2006-12-05 17:16:32 · 9 answers · asked by lilly g 3

A guy decides to work on a farm for a farmer for a few days to earn some money. The first job assigned to him was fixing the old fence by the brook. He was given a hammer and some nails and began tearing out old boards and replacing them with new ones. However, a stray chicken from the roost had wandered by, and the careless worker accidentally put a nail through the poor hen's head. The farmer, furious, threatened to call the cops, but the guy told him it was an accident, and the farmer let it slide.

The next job he was to do was feeding the chickens and roosters. However, after entering the roosters' coop, a rooster stepped into his path, and the man accidentally stepped on its head and crushed it. The farmer again threatened to call the cops, but the man again persisted in that it was an accident, and wouldn't happen again.

His next job was giving the barn a new paint job. He lathered the side of the fence with red paint, and again being careless, accidentally painted the.....

2006-12-05 17:15:44 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.

2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.

3) What's the difference between a b*tch and a wh*re?
A wh*re sleeps with everybody at the party;
A b*tch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to call during orgasm.

8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ***?
A mechanic.

9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

2006-12-05 17:12:18 · 10 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

Q. What's the difference between a brick and a woman?

A. After you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for a week!

2006-12-05 17:08:57 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

i dont know but this could be a funny line beacue i am mad at those people

2006-12-05 17:07:34 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

heres an example question: how do you confuse a blonde
answer: put her in a cycle room an tell her to sit in the corner

2006-12-05 17:03:11 · 3 answers · asked by Steven S 1

There was a burnette jumping up and down in the middle of the road chanting 140,140,140 over and over again. Then a blonde stops her car and asks the burnette if she could do it with her since it looked like fun.So the blonde and the burnette started jumping up and down chanting 140,140,140 and ect. then a car was heading towards them. The burnette jumped out of the road and the blonde got hit and killed by the car. After the paramedics came and took the body he road the burnette again started jumping up and downchanting 141,141,141 and ect.

2006-12-05 16:43:45 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Gassy Granny

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."

2006-12-05 16:39:44 · 6 answers · asked by jennifer 3

One day a station manager on a rather large outback property needed a fence repaired on one of the farm boundaries, so he called on one of his stockmen to do the repairs.

"I want you to go out to the northen boundary and fix the fence", he instructed. "Take the four wheel drive, and if you have any troubles, call me on the two-way."

"Ok", said the stockman, and he set off. Four hours later the station manager got a call...

"What is it?", asked the station manager.

"Well, I was driving back in the four wheel drive and I ran into a pig!", says the stockman.

"Yeah, so what's the problem?", asks the station manager.

"Well, he's stuck in the bullbar! And he's still alive and kicking so much that I can't get him free!!!", says the stockman.

"All right mate! I'll tell you what to do!", says the station manager. "Behind the front seat, you'll find a .303. Take it out, load it, and put the barrel against the pig's head and fire! It'll go all limp and you can pull it out from the bullbar! Then, drag it into the bushes and dump it there!"

"Beauty! No worries mate!", replied the stockman.

About 15 minutes later there was another call.

"Boss?", says the stockman.

"What is it now?", replies the station manager.

"I done exactly as you said, but I still can't move the truck," says the stockman.

"Why not?", asks the station manager.

"Well, it's his motorbike, It's jammed underneath the damn car!"

2006-12-05 16:24:42 · 11 answers · asked by chris b 4

funny

2006-12-05 16:21:27 · 13 answers · asked by Senthil K 1

a salad shooter!

2006-12-05 16:18:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fugitive was running from the police. He was hiding in the house of his ex-girlfriend, and they just had a "wonderful time." Suddenly, a knock is heard on the door.

"Police, open!!!"

The man hides on top of large rafters along the living room ceiling. However, his abnormally large balls hang down into sight. The woman opens the door and the police burst in, search the house head to foot, but find nothing.

One of the cops notices the balls, and asks what the hell those are. "Chinese temple bells," the woman answers. "I've always wanted to hear the tingling sound of Chinese temple bells," replied the cop. He gives them a great bang with his club. No sound. Again, he bangs them, but nothing. Puzzled, he whacks them as hard as he can, and there is a loud scream from above, "Tingling, you son of a *****!!"

2006-12-05 16:14:17 · 5 answers · asked by chris b 4

2006-12-05 16:06:46 · 5 answers · asked by Tijani I 1

I need this poem complete tonight, it's a christmas poem, so help! Christmas is here! Christmas is here! Put up the tree theres nothing to fear! Hang up the stockings and put the lights! Cause some one in red is coming tonight! ................... Please i need it tonight so please help!!!

2006-12-05 15:57:15 · 6 answers · asked by Mylo 2

your the wind beneth my wings!!!

2006-12-05 15:49:30 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

2006-12-05 15:34:44 · 15 answers · asked by Mary 6

A Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, Mom," he asked, "Why is my bigger brother named 'Mighty Storm'?"

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.", she replied.

"Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?"

"Well," his mother answered, "Your Father and i were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called 'Moon Child'?"

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived," the mother replied.

The mother then asked the boy, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"

2006-12-05 15:25:29 · 8 answers · asked by Jadess 2

2006-12-05 14:56:34 · 8 answers · asked by nonsense 1

believe it or not father xmas has been seen 9by me) speeding over shetland islands with his jet pack. Practising ive been told. No wonder We've been seening strange flashing lights like shooting stars!!!!!!. So what happened to the reindeer?????? i know rudolfs nose fell off cos it went blue and he got so depressed aabout the situation.....the rest. wel????????
iTs not meant to be a 'joke' however i thought 'fun' = humour= joke-ish, in case there r any critics out there!

2006-12-05 14:48:38 · 12 answers · asked by elephants_foot29 1

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

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I worked with an individual who plugged the power strip back into itself and for his life couldn't figure why the computer would not turn on.

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1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"

2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"

1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

2006-12-05 14:48:10 · 7 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

2006-12-05 14:36:46 · 15 answers · asked by Brianne 3

his email is duckmcfuch@yahoo.com

2006-12-05 14:35:14 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous