Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No ****
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - *****
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his ****.

2006-12-05 23:23:42 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is
hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day
promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the
new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line
is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed
up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle
Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of
fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the
little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a
straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave
you yesterday....." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

2006-12-05 23:20:58 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Robbie and Jake at junior school, Robbie is flashing his wrist about showing off his new watch. Jake says “Where did you get the watch?”
‘Can’t tell you, it’s a secret, if I tell, I will lose it’. Robbie replied.
“Some mate you are, can’t even tell me and we are so close” retorts Jake.
‘Oh! ok then, a few days ago I heard a noise from mom and dads room so I went to investigate, like you do, well, that sure surprised them. They were shitting it, so they offered me anything I wanted. Within reason of course, hence the watch’.
“Wicked” says Jake.
So, at home at night, he waits and waits. Days have gone by, obviously the little f*cker has been to school in the meantime and is getting really jealous.
Then it happens, he hears muffled moans, a few muffled screams, so he’s off, across the landing and verrry carefully he opens the door to see daddy on top of mummy and they are bouncing all around the bed. Suddenly dad’s sixth sense kicks in and he spins his head round to see Jake at the bottom of the bed open mouthed.
“What the hell do you want?” shouts dad.
‘I wanna watch’. He shouts back.
“Well shut the f*cking door it’s draughty”

2006-12-05 23:18:30 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his son are in an art gallery and they look at a particular portrait. The father says to the son about the portrait: "Brothers and sisters have i none, but that mans father is my father's son."

Who is in the portrait?

10 points to the first right answer which includes an explanation (not just a random guess)

2006-12-05 23:15:27 · 11 answers · asked by Sir Digby Chicken Bhuna 3

Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.

I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?

Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.

Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.

I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.

When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.

I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.

I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.

I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.

I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.

2006-12-05 23:09:32 · 7 answers · asked by sara657915 3

Is it possible to push a wine bottle through the handle of a beer glass with one finger without breaking either? The answer is yes, but how is it done, have a try, its easier than you might think !!!!!!

2006-12-05 23:06:11 · 19 answers · asked by Shredder 6

2006-12-05 22:59:35 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I missed some episodes of karam apna apna can anyone tell me the real plot or reaseon behind nikhila kapoors intention in gauri and shivs wedding .has it been revealed to the viewers or not.

2006-12-05 22:52:39 · 8 answers · asked by Sumathisudheer 2

If you were to put a coin into an empty bottle and then insert a cork in the bottle's opening, how could you remove the coin without taking out the cork or breaking the bottle?

2006-12-05 22:51:45 · 16 answers · asked by bigchubbs99 2

ONE day, some BUDDAH was praying in their praying hall, some children was disturbing them outside to the field of the hall by PLAYING LOUD!!

then one of those prists prayed 2 god to KILL those PEST with thunder.

god took the wish.

the SKY got DARk, then some thunder appeared, but when the MAIN one got striked, it destroyed the praying hall.

THEN something up to the sky sez : "OOOOooops, I missed!!"

2006-12-05 22:50:54 · 13 answers · asked by Annoymous 3

the life cycle!
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, start out
dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling
better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your
pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You
drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for
High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have
no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months
floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa room, service on
tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.

I think we need to talk to managment about this one it seems like a good idea ...

2006-12-05 22:50:45 · 3 answers · asked by Charley 2

2006-12-05 22:49:55 · 17 answers · asked by Heady 3

10. Hey! Now there's a gift!

9. Well, well, well...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though.
There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to
charity.

1. I really don't deserve this.

2006-12-05 22:45:01 · 6 answers · asked by Charley 2

this school of thought. If God invented anything better than shagging he kept it for himself !!!!!!

2006-12-05 22:43:38 · 14 answers · asked by Shredder 6

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up
where you left off.

8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has
opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as
a "book teaser."

4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the
middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your
roommate for help!

2006-12-05 22:38:39 · 7 answers · asked by Charley 2

1. The cucumber has left the salad.

2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

3. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".

8. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

9. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis

2006-12-05 22:33:10 · 14 answers · asked by Charley 2

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!


Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman$oh

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply
DearNOrman,

I NOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists areNOt sure if the United States may go into NOther recession. After the November presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager

2006-12-05 22:31:09 · 10 answers · asked by Charley 2

knees, and begins to think irrationally...Ever wonder why?



She smells like a new truck!!!

2006-12-05 22:25:19 · 10 answers · asked by ~LAX Mom~ 5

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane. starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!

2006-12-05 22:21:37 · 14 answers · asked by Charley 2

Who went up to town with the sole intention of having a woman, as he had never had one before.
He finds an obliging Sheila and they go back to her room.
When he gets inside the bedroom, he starts to move all the furniture to the side of the room to create a big space in the centre of the room. The girl asks him what he is doing, he replies, "I aint never had a Sheila before, but if the're anything like Roos i'm goin to need all the space I can get!!!!!!

2006-12-05 22:10:26 · 12 answers · asked by ROMFT 3

plz dont tell play music and movies
i had already done this
sumthng innovative

2006-12-05 21:55:15 · 18 answers · asked by Kool dude 1

Can I sell you a cloud?

2006-12-05 21:42:56 · 5 answers · asked by The Mad Shillelagh 6

please prove 2=1

2006-12-05 21:41:30 · 13 answers · asked by mr. x 5

The 7 dwarfs decided to peek at snowhite when she undress at night. Her room is on the first floor so they all stand on each other's head so at least the top one could see. He then relates everything that happens to the next dwarf and down the line the message goes.
"She's taken her top off" 2nd."top off.."3.rd"top off.." and so on.
"Bra's off..nice boobies!" 2nd Bra's off..." 3rd and so on.
"Panties of and totally naked! Wow! Beautifull!" 2nd ,3rd,4th... and so on.
Then snowhite hear something and approach the window.
1st dwarf " She's coming!!!" 2nd "Me tooo!!" 3rd "Me toooo!!!!" ............

2006-12-05 21:36:38 · 6 answers · asked by zorro 2

dentist yesterday, I grabbed firmly by the balls and said " we wont hurt each other will we" !!!!!!!!

2006-12-05 21:09:58 · 18 answers · asked by Shredder 6

about my Doctor? He wants me to hold his balls when I cough !!!!

2006-12-05 21:07:22 · 22 answers · asked by Shredder 6

A man goes into a bar in South Africa, with his pet Crocadile on a lead. "I'll have a beer" he says to the barman, "and a zulu warrior for my pet here". The barman pours him a beer, then pulls out a zulu warrior from under the counter and chucks him over the bar. The man drinks his beer and the croc eats the screaming zulu. "Same again please barman" the man says. One beer is poured for the man, and a screaming zulu is chucked over for the crocodile. The man drinks his beer, and the croc eats the zulu. "One more for the road" the man orders. "I'm really sorry sir", says the barman, we're all out of zulus". But I do have a nice Pygmy here, if your friend would like that" "WHAT" said the man. I can't give him a Pygmy. I can't handle him once he gets on shorts.

2006-12-05 21:05:36 · 8 answers · asked by Derek M 2

that means the same when spelt forwards and backwards

2006-12-05 21:04:02 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-05 20:48:34 · 5 answers · asked by Zloar 4

2006-12-05 20:47:11 · 9 answers · asked by Angel 2