Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

I would reccomend tha you think twice before hammering in the morning, because a lot of people might get ticked off at you for waking them up with all your hammering....

2006-12-05 20:43:56 · 12 answers · asked by AngryAmerican82 3

1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-Colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin-Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time: 2400 Hours--Weather: Cloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam-Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24-Hour Intervals
21. Our Fervent Hope Is That You Thoroughly Enjoy Your Yuletide Season
22. Parent Was Observed Osculating a Red-Coated Unshaven Teamster
23. May the Deity Bestow An Absence of Fatigue to Mild Male Humans
24. Natal Celebration Devoid of Color, Rather Albino, As a Hallucin

2006-12-05 20:36:57 · 12 answers · asked by amethyst2 4

1. What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?

2. What is Frosty the Snowman's favorite breakfast cereal?

3. Why did Santa have three gardens?

4. What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?

5. Spell "hard water" with three letters?

6. What two letters are used by the elves to describe Santa's bag the day after Christmas?

7. Which two letters describe a slippery sidewalk?

8. What do elves learn in school?

9. What do you call a snowman on roller blades?

10. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?

11. What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

12. Why is it so cold on Christmas?

13. What do you get when you mix a snowman with a vampire?

2006-12-05 20:34:58 · 8 answers · asked by amethyst2 4

2006-12-05 20:32:06 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-05 20:26:22 · 2 answers · asked by puli 1

inventor of the Harley - Davidson motorcycle died and went to heaven. St Peter told him your a good bloke and because your motorcycles are well known you will be allowed to see whoever you want in heaven. Ok says Arthur I would like a bit of time with God. When God see him he says I know you, you invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle. Yeah says Arthur that's me. God says well tell me what's the point in inventing something that is pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a decent road to go on. Hang on says Athur, aint you the bloke who invented women ? Yeah says God that's me. Well then says Arthur as one pro to another let me say your invention is flawed to.
1There is no consistency with the front end protrusions
2 It chatters constantly at high speed
3 The intake is to near the exhaust
4 The maintainence costs are absolutley enormous

Well says God you may be right, but there are more men riding my invention than yours !!!!!!!

2006-12-05 20:22:55 · 18 answers · asked by Shredder 6

"Three gins please" he says to the barman. The barman being a bit of a wag replies "Cerainly sir, we've 3 types of gin hydrogen, nitrogen and oxygen". "Very funny" replies the gay indignantly and takes the drinks back to the table. After telling his friends he's going to get the barman back, he returns to the bar. "Three turds please" shouts the gay. "Three turds, what are they" says the barman flummoxed. "Well there's three types of turd" says the gay. "Mustard, custard and you, you big sh1t"

2006-12-05 20:13:10 · 20 answers · asked by Dava 4

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a lawyer sits in the seat by the aisle.
The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get a glass of coke."
"No problem," says the lawyer, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe & spits in it.
When he returns with the coke, the other physician says,
"That looks good! I think I'll have one too."

Again, the lawyer obligingly fetches the drink.
While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe & spits in it.

The lawyer comes back & enjoys the flight.
However, as the plane is landing, the lawyer slips his feet into
his shoes& realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians.

"This fighting between our professions?”

“This hatred?”

“This animosity?”

“This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

2006-12-05 20:06:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

thee was this blonde who used to get bagged for being really dumb...
so she died her hair black...
one day she was driving along a country road and she came acros a flock of sheep getting moved across he road by a farmer.
she stopped her car and got out looking at the adorable lambs.
"Scuse sir but if i guess how many sheep u have in this flock can i keep one?"
"um, highly unlikely u will guess so yeah go ahead."
"Um, 236"
"Well ill b blowed u got it right, go ahead...any sheep of your choice."
the black/blonde took the one she wanted and drove through the sheep.
it was a while before she realised that the farmer was racing behind her car on a horse. she slowed to a stop and he farmer slowed down near her window.
"um, maam, if i guess your natural hair couler can i have my dog back?

2006-12-05 20:04:38 · 12 answers · asked by funny.bones 2

"What are ya doin' Sheila, yer gonna kill yourself" yells Bruce, as his car screeches to a halt. "You've got me pregnant Bruce so i'm gonna end it all" sobs Sheila as she dangles over the edge. Bruce replies, "Crikey Sheila not only are you great in bed, but you're a good sport as well".

2006-12-05 19:59:48 · 24 answers · asked by Dava 4

I went to the doctor the other day.....................I was really worried........My feet are in a terrible state........I have my left-big toe where my right middle toe should be.........I have my right, little toe, where my left, big toe should be........and my left, one from right toe is 3 from left...................The doctor told me it's the worst case of Myxomatosis he's ever seen.

2006-12-05 19:59:43 · 9 answers · asked by Derek M 2

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

'Well' he explained' By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen'.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English fool and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

'Well' he explained' By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland fools and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

'Well' he explained,' by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.......'

2006-12-05 19:56:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this BS. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

2006-12-05 19:55:05 · 11 answers · asked by Mary 6

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I
call mine "Sex".
Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until
one day I took
Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A
police officer came
along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the
morning.
I said, "I was looking for Sex." My court case comes up next Thursday.
One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me
what I wanted, I told him
I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I
said "But this is a dog,"
he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't
understand.
I've had Sex since I was two years old."
He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have
Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a
big part in my life and
my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry
us in a church.
I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there.
The next day we were
married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked
into the motel I told
the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room
for Sex. The clerk said that
every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand.
Sex
keeps me awake at night",
and the clerk said,"Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told
him it was a contest, and he
told me I should have sold tickets.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the
dog. I said, "Your Honor, I
had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me
too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more
trouble with that dog than I ever
gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with
the
psychiatrist and she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best
friend and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's
best friend.
Why not get yourself a dog?"

2006-12-05 19:48:07 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly English man was very ill & his son was at his bed-side in the hospital. The son gently leaned over & combed his fathers’ hair with his fingers. “A loving parent” he thought as flashes of ‘father & son’ memories pasted through his mind.
But then suddenly, the father begins to breathe heavily and grabs the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength & trembling hands he writes a note, drops it on the floor & dies.

What were the last words that the father would leave behind.
Words that the son could forever keep in his mind…

The son reached down to pick up the piece of paper…
The note read “You wanker, get off my oxygen tube!!!”

2006-12-05 19:42:17 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?" The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, "There's nothing wrong with them." Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I said, are my test results back?!"

2006-12-05 19:39:11 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady walked into a Mercedes dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect loaded Mercedes and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked,

"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say! If you farted just touching it, you're gonna sh*t when you hear the price."

2006-12-05 19:35:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I think the funniest answer deserve the best points

2006-12-05 19:21:30 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried about the ercection, so I got some duct tape and taped mine with leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again)
"I kicked her in the face

2006-12-05 19:02:57 · 13 answers · asked by Pd 6

Please send through all your good jokes... havin a c.rap day at work and need a good laugh.

2006-12-05 19:01:29 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

www.deathball.net/notpron/

here are the answers to the first 7 the one to get to level 17 and

Level 1: Click on the door handle to open it.

Level 2: You have to trick this door, replace the 2 in level2.htm to 3.

Level 3: Change the URL to /true/ it says stop being so negative, so be positive, so put in true.

Level 4:
Code:
Username: voodoo
Password: power


Level 5:
Code:
Username: simple
Password: songs


Level 6: Use ascii code,
Code:
Username: kill
Password:hour


Level 7:Code:
rediar.htm

when you get to level 17 i will give you the answer to level 18 this means i know the answers already and then i will decide how many more answer i want in the next ? i think like 10 to start with

if you want hints you have to give me thumbs up for every thumbs down i recieve one less hint will be given and i won't give them out for the first 10 min after that you can ask

OH AND GOOD LUCK AND GIVE EACH OTHER TUMBS UP FOR TRYING IF U CAN

2006-12-05 18:56:58 · 4 answers · asked by ertw t 2

puzzled me for years ! If God invented man, who invented God ?

2006-12-05 18:55:18 · 18 answers · asked by Shredder 6

Lizard Birthing

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into His bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. and then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs

2006-12-05 18:48:48 · 16 answers · asked by ♥ gina ♥ 4

Once upon a time in a kingdom, far far away,
there lived three princesses in a castle.
One day a magical wish-granting mirror was
brought to them as a gift by the wizard.

“It only grants wishes for those who tell the truth.”
,explains the wizard,
“..but if you lie, you’ll disappear”

The blonde, brunette, & redhead princesses decide to try out the mirror.
The brunette goes first.
"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears…
The redhead goes up to try,"I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears…
The blonde goes up.
"I think…"
"POOF!"

2006-12-05 18:44:18 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they both needed to take a leak. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do it behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend was wearing an expensive underwear and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to fins a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and wiped herself with it.
The next day the 1st woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her but*t that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We’ll never forget you!'

2006-12-05 18:38:11 · 37 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-12-05 18:26:00 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2006-12-05 18:25:10 · 10 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

A blind man was out walking with his seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.

Having watched what happened, a passerby said, "Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"

"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."

2006-12-05 18:19:25 · 14 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

They get into an accident and the father dies. The boy is rushed to the hospital and they bring the doctor in very quickly to make a prognosis. The doctor looks down and says "thats my son I can't work on him" and walks out. Who was the doctor?

2006-12-05 18:08:34 · 15 answers · asked by swami242 3

2006-12-05 18:02:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous