Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place to see if it was up to her standards.

Naturally nothing is good enough for her daughter, so she is complaining up a storm. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted mourners as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something, but when a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, "What a terrible tragedy," and I would nod my head and say, "Yes, it was." The men would ask me, "You wanna sell that mule?" and I would tell them that I was sorry, but I could not sell her. You see father, because of this tragedy, the mule is all booked up for the next year."

2006-12-01 05:20:03 · 9 answers · asked by bbwandsingle1980 3

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"


The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is molasses."

2006-12-01 05:19:28 · 8 answers · asked by bbwandsingle1980 3

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years

2006-12-01 05:16:34 · 10 answers · asked by bbwandsingle1980 3

vicar, priest and a rabi walk into a pub, the barman says." what is this, some kind of joke? "


sorry u prob all heard that a million times, but i heard it for the first time today, and havent stopped giggling.

2006-12-01 05:11:09 · 14 answers · asked by cowboy_style 4

-wrapping paper
-golf clubs
and CLAY AIKEN..!!!!!

2006-12-01 04:57:35 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man has lost his wife in the supermarket and approaches a woman he's never met before.
"Hi, I've lost my wife, do you mind if I talk to you for a moment?" he asks.
"Why in the world do you want to speak to me?"
He replied, "Because whenever I speak to a woman with breasts your size, my wife appears out of nowhere!!"

2006-12-01 04:57:31 · 24 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? "Breast-fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for
a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma".

2006-12-01 04:57:11 · 11 answers · asked by SWM 38 _4_ YOUNG GF 5

Double Death
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?"

"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

2006-12-01 04:53:42 · 8 answers · asked by SWM 38 _4_ YOUNG GF 5

Ok....
Spell silk. Now say it five times fast. What do cows drink?

2006-12-01 04:46:57 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny's neighbours had a new baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When the mother brought the new baby home from the hospital, Little Johnny's family was invited over to see him.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word, "ears", he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Little Johnny looked into the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be ****** if he needed glasses."

2006-12-01 04:41:59 · 12 answers · asked by bbwandsingle1980 3

tell me what school u go to and what is ur name. i now am stuped but am bored.

2006-12-01 04:37:28 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-01 04:32:55 · 11 answers · asked by Blade 3

P.S. No1 was pregnant or overweight, neither were there heavy luggages.

2006-12-01 04:29:11 · 14 answers · asked by vp6750 1

Lie to me Pinocchio!

2006-12-01 04:26:08 · 9 answers · asked by Roll'n Bluntz 2

2006-12-01 04:20:55 · 10 answers · asked by vp6750 1

http://talentshow.yahoo.com/;_ylt=AlV753Hd_zeS.f.fzmLuVXoz1tEF#s=money%20transposition%20magic&v=105079

2006-12-01 04:17:09 · 4 answers · asked by StupendousMan 5

3 men went to a motel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30, so each man put up $10 each and went to the room. A little while later he realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellhop back to the 3 guys room with $5. On the way to the room the bellhop couldn't figure how to split the $5 between the 3 guys so he just gave each one of them $1 and he kept the other $2. That left the 3 guys paying $9 each for the room. 3x9=27+ the 2 that the bellhop kept =$29. WHERES THE OTHER DOLLAR??????

2006-12-01 04:16:31 · 9 answers · asked by Baby#1 due Oct. 27 3

I'm just curious as to what are the most commonly heard jokes/riddles and what influences this, ie age group, culture, family, etc.

2006-12-01 04:12:54 · 4 answers · asked by ladyelfoftherings 3

you might be a redneck if you go to a family reunion looking for a girlfriend

2006-12-01 04:07:06 · 10 answers · asked by samhacke 2

He hasn't since last Xmas

2006-12-01 04:01:24 · 18 answers · asked by dawleymouse 4

1) be slim and a size eight
2) have enough money for a new wardrobe
3) buy all my families houses

2006-12-01 04:00:29 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

solve these hangmans:
P_ _ _ E _ _
I _ _ _ E _ _ _
D E _ _ _ _ _ E _ _ E _

2006-12-01 03:54:17 · 5 answers · asked by mizz annie 1

2006-12-01 03:51:17 · 15 answers · asked by chosen_isaiah61 3

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

'Billy.'

'And what is your question, Billy?

'I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?'

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.

'Steve'

'And what is your question, Steve?'

'I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f... happened to Billy?'

2006-12-01 03:50:12 · 16 answers · asked by Pinky 5

The captain comes to see them and urgently announces "the plane is going down, there's too much weight, someone has to jump off." The Welsh guy stands up and solemnly say "okay, I'm willing to jump off this plane to save all of you." So he jumps off. But, some time later,the captain comes back and says "the plane is going down, there's still too much weight, someone has to jump off." The Irishman stands up and says "okay, I'm willing to sacrifice my life for all of yours" and jumps off. Some time later, the captain comes back and says "there's still too much weight, another guy needs to jump off." The Scotsman stands up and proudly say "Okay, I'll save all of you!"
And throws the Englishman out.

2006-12-01 03:45:50 · 7 answers · asked by AutumnIris 2

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

2006-12-01 03:45:26 · 13 answers · asked by Pinky 5

One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pu$sy cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.
The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor. The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pu$sy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door.

2006-12-01 03:37:52 · 21 answers · asked by Pd 6

I am slim and tall,
Many find me desirable and appealing.
They touch me and I give a false good feeling.
Once I shine in splendor,
But only once and then no more.
For many I am "to die for".
What am I?

2006-12-01 03:31:59 · 11 answers · asked by Pinky 5

I never was, am always to be,
No one ever saw me, nor ever will
And yet I am the confidence of all
To live and breathe on this terrestrial ball

2006-12-01 03:26:49 · 14 answers · asked by Pinky 5

Only one color, but not one size,
Stuck at the bottom, yet easily flies.
Present in sun, but not in rain,
Doing no harm, and feeling no pain.
What is it.

2006-12-01 03:19:41 · 25 answers · asked by Pinky 5