Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-01 10:37:59 · 12 answers · asked by threetenor 1

there once was a man from kent
who's dick was so long that it bent
to save himself trouble
he put it in double
and instead of coming he went

2006-12-01 10:29:55 · 20 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A blonde woman was driving down the road when she notices that she's low on gas, so she stopped at a gas station.

While she's pumping her gas, she noticed that she'd locked her keys in the car.

So when she went inside to pay, she asked the attendant for a coat hanger so that she could attempt to open the door herself.

She returned outside and began to try to open the lock.

After about ten minutes, the attendant got curious and came out to see how the blonde was doing.

Outside the car, the blonde was moving the hanger around and around while another blonde inside the car was shouting, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!..."

2006-12-01 10:27:35 · 26 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-12-01 10:24:51 · 12 answers · asked by I hate carrots 6

2006-12-01 10:20:24 · 17 answers · asked by Joe 1

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your *** in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

Just a joke!!!

2006-12-01 10:13:59 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-01 10:05:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk.A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk? The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over." "That's not so bad,what's the big deal?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened?" the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over." "Again?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed." The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."

2006-12-01 10:05:33 · 23 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

scouser had two weeks off work with a broken flask !!!!!

2006-12-01 10:05:02 · 5 answers · asked by Shredder 6

None - They will never admit that they are in the dark

2006-12-01 10:04:11 · 11 answers · asked by geoffrey2312 3

Liverpool causes sweating, panic attacks and anxiety. The Job Centre !!!!

2006-12-01 10:03:30 · 9 answers · asked by Shredder 6

THE GOOD NAPKINS
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first
mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake). Now fast forward a few months.... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a special occasion napkin and a fork tucked into the fold.

2006-12-01 09:54:02 · 13 answers · asked by its_me_cheeky_dee 2

The Top 10 Reasons That Parents Send Kids To School


To scope out any single teachers for Daddy.


To learn that useful Algebra stuff that every McDonald's manager uses daily.


No cable at home so the kids watch it at school and fill you in at dinner.


After the same damn episode of Barney 2500 times, its either send them to school or drop them off at the dump at the outskirts of town.


So someone else can deal with the psychotic little shits.


Not getting enough paste in their diet at home.


Easier to run escort service out of home when they're not around.


To study hard, and learn the fine art of perfect English to the point of getting a college degree just so you can use it for writing Top 10 Lists!

2006-12-01 09:49:25 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm really upset! I was hoping you could make me laugh. I can laugh at anything, even if its about me or insulting towards me. Please! First person to make me laugh gets ten points but I really need this!

2006-12-01 09:44:58 · 12 answers · asked by Shorty 4

Doesn't It Annoy You When...


...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?


...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?


...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?


...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?


...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.


...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.


...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.


...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.


...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.


...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.


...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.


...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.


...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.


...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.


...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.


...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

2006-12-01 09:40:08 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Think there is no bathroom & u r in a mid of huge group of people arround.

2006-12-01 09:31:43 · 6 answers · asked by Oh My God! 6

I think Pamela Anderson is UGLY!!!!! and she is so fake and I hate her and also she has some big lips.

2006-12-01 09:21:48 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS
AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,
"GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
"YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

THE SECOND OLD MAN THEN SAID, " I THINK MY GIRL WAS A WITCH."

HIS FRIEND LOOKED PUZZLED AND ASKED WHY

THE OLD MAN REPLIED: "WHILE I WAS LOVING HER, I GAVE HER A LITTLE LOVE BITE, AND SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW"

2006-12-01 09:11:25 · 35 answers · asked by its_me_cheeky_dee 2

when she got to the ball?


A: She gagged!!

2006-12-01 09:06:48 · 30 answers · asked by StarLight_Supernova 2

eagle wanted female company flew to the city found a blue tit had his way an flew back blue tit said im a tit an iv had a bit an liked it
eagle goes back to the city found a dove had his way an flew of dove said i am a dove an iv had a bit of love an liked it eagle returned to the city an found a duck had his way an flew back duck said i am a drake an he made a mistake but i liked it

2006-12-01 09:04:38 · 8 answers · asked by harryb11g 2

2006-12-01 09:04:37 · 29 answers · asked by stone 3

It has destroyed the land, cares not for anything, only thinks for it self. it has spread death around the land and now has come to this can you answer what am I?

2006-12-01 09:02:40 · 11 answers · asked by gamer2u 2

1. favorite color
2.age
3.hair color
4.religion
5.how many kids
7.fav number
8.fav person (mom or dad)

2006-12-01 08:50:18 · 28 answers · asked by Princess 2

Turn her up side down.

2006-12-01 08:45:49 · 19 answers · asked by kman1830 5

3 Last Requests

A cowboy finds himself captured by indians. The indians decide they are going to kill him, and the chief tells the cowboy he may have 3 last requests granted to him.
The cowboy walks over to his horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse takes off running, and then returns in 10 minutes with a young, busty blond. The cowboy shrugs, and takes the blond into a nearby teepee. He emerges 10 minutes later. The chief then tells him, he has 2 requests left.
The cowboy goes over to his horse again and whispers something in his ear. Again, the horse takes off and returns a short time later, this time with a young, busty brunette. The cowboy looks at her, and shrugs, taking her into a nearby teepee and then comes out 10 minutes later. He is reminded he has one request left.
He goes back to his horse and whispers in his other ear 'For the last time, I said bring me MY POSSEE!!'

2006-12-01 08:45:07 · 24 answers · asked by Rock 2

.....she had so many kids, her uterus fell out

2006-12-01 08:43:59 · 18 answers · asked by His Dudeness 3

....to fetch her dog a bone,
but when she bent over
Rover gave her a bone of his own.....

2006-12-01 08:38:55 · 8 answers · asked by His Dudeness 3

2006-12-01 08:37:04 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill and I were golfing at the long 450 yard 4th hole ready to putt out when we heard a plop and a distant yell. That cocky a*shole George had used his driver and almost hit us with his long shot. I putted out and picked up my ball. Bill putted out, but left his ball in the cup. And picked up George’s ball close by, making sure George and his partner couldn’t see him do it.
We picked up or bags and Bill put George’s ball in his bag and asked for one of mine. As we began walking to the 5th tee, George yell “Did you see where my ball went.” I said “Yeah, in the cup.”
George’s partner says “I’ve got to see this!” rushes to the hole and gets out the ball and looks at it. "George, What are you shooting?” George “V1, like always.” His friend says “This is a NXT.”
“Well, maybe I did shoot a NXT.” alibis George.
“Naaah you didn’t” laughs his friend “You only use V1s. You owe me a hundred bucks. You hit the wrong ball."
We chuckled all the way to the 5th tee.

2006-12-01 08:36:08 · 4 answers · asked by Everyman 3

.....each with a buck and a quarter,
Jill came down with two fifty.......
ooooooh what a whore!!

2006-12-01 08:35:41 · 7 answers · asked by His Dudeness 3