Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Heaven's Luxury

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

2006-12-01 08:31:54 · 7 answers · asked by Rock 2

one day, a priest and a business man went to play golf..
while playing, the business man aimed at the ball and hit it..but he missed for some reason..and he said..s.h.i.t...
the preist said nothing and they played on..
After a moment, the business man missed again and he once again said s.h.i.t..
Then the priest said to the business man, " U will get punished from heaven if u swear like this again. "
The business man just shrugged and they played on..
For the third time, the business man missed his ball again and he said s.h.i.t..
at that time, the sky suddenly got dark and suddenly a thunder stroke the priest right in the head...
then a sound came out of no where form the sky.." s.h.i.t "

2006-12-01 08:31:36 · 6 answers · asked by Blue P 4

.....he needed the money!

2006-12-01 08:28:57 · 11 answers · asked by His Dudeness 3

Mean ish but funny..

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sleep with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

2006-12-01 08:28:00 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cuckoo Clock

A Man comes back home at 3am, drunk as a skunk. He hears the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooes nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight. He is very proud of himself.

The next day, his wife asks what time he got home, and he replies, "Midnight, just like I said."

She says that was good, but that they
need a new cuckoo clock. When the man asks why, she answers: "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three
times, said '****!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more
times and then started giggling."

2006-12-01 08:27:14 · 10 answers · asked by Rock 2

Im in 7th grade and my friend wants to pull a prank on me but i wanna pull a prank on him first. We go to school 2gether and i kno where his locker is and i wanna pull something at lunch but any ideas would be aprrciated

2006-12-01 08:27:08 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-01 08:19:51 · 6 answers · asked by vballchick06 2

Teacher draws a penis on a blackboard.
Asks,"anyone know what this is?".
Johnny pipes up,"my dad's got two of them","one small for peeing,& one big for cleening my babysitters teeth"!!!

2006-12-01 08:18:04 · 11 answers · asked by ? 4

well, yesterday a couple 2 guys from the church next door came over and one of them said he knows how to do a magic trick so he got 2 cups and said that the first cup were the sinners and the people that didnt know gods words then he filled the cup with water and he took an arrow and a stabbed a hole into the middle of the cup and water splashed everywhere. then he took the second cup and he filled it up with water and he said that that cup was the people that knew gods word and they followed it and he drew a cross in the middle then he filled it up with water [and we saw the water go in] and he put the arrow threw it and no water splashed anywhere and he flipped the cup over and no water came out and there wasnt any water. now since yesterday everyone in my familys wondering where the water went.. any ideas?

2006-12-01 08:13:19 · 8 answers · asked by number 46 1

Lizard Birthing

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into His bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. and then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

2006-12-01 08:12:47 · 14 answers · asked by ♥ gina ♥ 4

Is it Huh is it wah wah wah hair is gross please i need some way to shave it i need advice

Ghandi's @ss was hairy wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2006-12-01 08:12:16 · 12 answers · asked by dick testicles 1

Abstain From Sex

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a
young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you
able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well,
were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The
second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of
nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well,
were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the
two weeks," the young man replied.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf
and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was
over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome
in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Tescos anymore either."

2006-12-01 08:11:11 · 14 answers · asked by Rock 2

As I walked into town, I saw a lady with a big frown, I asked what the matter was, she said...

2006-12-01 08:10:54 · 3 answers · asked by tjaye8000 1

Yo Mama Jokes Please?????

2006-12-01 08:03:23 · 9 answers · asked by Greek Chick 2

A guy enters confessional and says to the priest with guilt, "I had an affair...almost." The priest says, "What do you mean ’almost?’" The guy says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped." "In the eyes of the Lord, rubbing against each other is the same as putting it in," says the priest. "For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $20 in the poor box." The guy leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment then starts to leave. The priest, seeing this, quickly runs over to him and says, "You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The guy stops and says, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $20 on the box, and in the eyes of the Lord, that’s the same as putting it in."

2006-12-01 07:59:22 · 15 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

okay a little boy gave his teacher raisins every day ay school at the last day of school he did not his teacher concerned ask him why....the little boy says with tears in his eyes my rabbit died last night.......its a funny Joke BUT IF IT OFFENDED ANY ONE IM VERY SORRY

2006-12-01 07:53:44 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

2006-12-01 07:49:48 · 12 answers · asked by Rock 2

as i was eyein them up,i couldnt help me self. I went up to them & said "i´m sorry for staring,but you two are beautiful.I´d really like to get you´s down on canvass!" "Are you an artist?" one of them s
said. "No, I´m a wrestler!"

2006-12-01 07:41:23 · 6 answers · asked by Alig Ator 1

WHAT WORD CAN BE SPELLED WITH THESE LETTERS??? IT'S ONE BIG WORD...

A M A S N L R

2006-12-01 07:31:59 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is standing in front of the judge, asking for a divorce. The judge says to him, “all right, sir, please explain to me why you want a divorce.” “Because,” says the man, “I live in a two-story house.” “You live in a two-story house?” says the judge. “What kind of a reason is that for a divorce?” “Well, says the man, “one story is, ‘I’ve got a headache’ and the other is, ‘It’s that time on the month.’”

2006-12-01 07:29:57 · 8 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

for you. If your brains were glass you wouldn't have enough to a monicle for the eye of a whelk.
Or if your brains were rubber you wouldn't have enough to make a pair of flippers for a budgie.
Got any more ?

2006-12-01 07:28:01 · 19 answers · asked by Shredder 6

you would get a homosapenin.

2006-12-01 07:22:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just remembered this joke.. Pretty old I guess.. Ewww.. But funny..

There were two old men in a retirement home. One says 'I'm so old.. My hands shake so much that when I had a shave this morning I cut myself in 3 places..'

'That's nothing..' The second guy replied.. 'My hands shake so much that when I was having a pee this morning.. I came out 5 times..!'

2006-12-01 07:18:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that
symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

2006-12-01 07:15:08 · 18 answers · asked by eeyoree rocks2003 7

he was so good he sold paddy a double milker for his two cows but paddy has to sell one to afford to buy it

2006-12-01 07:14:53 · 6 answers · asked by peter.w 4

Three men died and stood in front of God.
God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only an affair and was given a midsize car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?"
"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

2006-12-01 07:02:45 · 14 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

2006-12-01 07:00:38 · 11 answers · asked by bbwandsingle1980 3

2006-12-01 06:59:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

And it was raining. i said " dont stand there in the rain, f*** off and go home!"

2006-12-01 06:59:04 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-01 06:56:41 · 16 answers · asked by Big Bruv 2