Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

here are some blonde jokes pass them on!

Blonde LOGIC

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"



SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"



RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,

"How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."



AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left cheek and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."



KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"



BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"



IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"



THE BLONDE JOKE TO END

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

2006-12-01 12:53:06 · 25 answers · asked by U.wanna.battle.me?! 4

The Irishman who was shown the 69 position by a prostitute who
unfortunately broke wind in the middle of the act. He got up and
left saying ' i couldn't stand another 68 of those.

Here's a silly one:

How do you sink an Irish submarine?

Knock on the hatch.

2006-12-01 12:52:16 · 16 answers · asked by Bill UK 3

2006-12-01 12:50:40 · 7 answers · asked by believe to achieve 2

Theres a man and a woman in a house, the woman says to the man "Can you change the lightbulb?"

To which the man replies "Have I got ELECTRICIAN written across my forehead?"

The woman then says "Can you fix the stairs?"

The man replies "Have I got BUILDER written across my forehead?" and storms off to the pub.

When he returns, everything is fixed, the man says "What the hell happened here?"

The woman replies "A handsome young man came around and said he would fix everything for me and all I had to do was sleep with him or bake him a cake."

The man asks happily "So what cake did you bake him?"

The woman replies "Have I got Delia Smith written across my forehead!".

2006-12-01 12:48:16 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-01 12:47:14 · 4 answers · asked by gixxer 1

Baked Beans - very very funny


One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told
him
that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a
small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.


With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk
off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at
the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of
baked beans.



All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon
my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly:"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."


He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the
telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned and went to answer the call.




The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of
the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let
one
go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running
over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and
fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I
ripped off three more.


The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully
tuned
to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few
minutes.


The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone
farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a
few
more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on
it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had
peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this
point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around
the
table chorused:

"Happy Birthday!"


I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-01 12:47:14 · 11 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

2006-12-01 12:45:23 · 8 answers · asked by gixxer 1

I want the really new ones.
Not like you mamas so fat she stepped on a dollar and made change.

2006-12-01 12:40:25 · 9 answers · asked by mikejonesg2132 2

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE:

Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

2006-12-01 12:31:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

if you get correct answer here is ?????????

what does pie =

2006-12-01 12:29:27 · 10 answers · asked by Hannah_Montana 2

But swallowers' are harder to find.

2006-12-01 12:27:09 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

...stumbled up the country road in the dark. " Faith, Mike, we've
stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived
to the age of 103! " Glory be, Patrick and was anybody we knew?
" No, ' twas someone named ' Miles from Dublin' ! "

2006-12-01 12:22:56 · 15 answers · asked by Bill UK 3

Smart man + smart woman = Romance

Smart man + dumb woman = Pregnancy

Dumb man + smart woman = Affair

Dumb man + dumb woman = Marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = Profits

Smart boss + dumb employee = Production

Dumb boss + smart employee = Promotion

Dumb boss + duumb employee = Overtime

2006-12-01 12:12:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Well" said Mick,"I was ironing my shirt, when the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone!". "Good God", said the nurse, "but how did you manage to burn the other one?". " I did that phoning for the Ambulance!" said Mick.

2006-12-01 12:01:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

way to the market with a sack over his shoulder when he bumps into Mick. What have you got in the sack there says Mick, ducks says Paddy. Mick says if I guess how many youv'e got can I have one. Paddy says tell you what Mick if you guess right you can have them both. Righto Says Mick three !!!!!!!!!

2006-12-01 11:57:25 · 8 answers · asked by Shredder 6

2006-12-01 11:54:48 · 9 answers · asked by a.arriaga 1

stuck on a building site up some scaffolding. He is shouting for help and his mate runs over and says what's up Paddy. Paddy says I'm stuck Mick I don't know how to get down. Mick says well come down the same way you went up. No chance says Paddy I came up head first !!!!!!

2006-12-01 11:42:16 · 7 answers · asked by Shredder 6

2006-12-01 11:21:11 · 22 answers · asked by googleh20 2

in part of his body does he gain 1inch.

2006-12-01 11:21:06 · 5 answers · asked by glasgow girl 6

What's a hinky pinky for happy gelatin?
What's a hink pink for a kiddnapped chef?

2006-12-01 11:10:49 · 4 answers · asked by Dawn 4

your mom

2006-12-01 11:09:02 · 3 answers · asked by guerrrr 1

question 2 is printed in small font

2006-12-01 11:05:43 · 6 answers · asked by kerik 2

Give up. A high fashion model. Get it.

2006-12-01 11:00:29 · 1 answers · asked by isip5tequila 3

Any1 have a good joke?!

2006-12-01 10:58:40 · 13 answers · asked by bflewis14 2

2006-12-01 10:55:18 · 10 answers · asked by Skippy 5

I get 100 bucks for drawing a star like figure witout taking my pencil off of the paper or without crossing over any lines. Does any one know the figure I'm talking about? It's made up of all triangles. It has a box with a x in the middle and a 4 triangles on each side. Could you please tell me how to draw it!! They say it's impossible but I've do it 3 times I can't remember how though :( !

2006-12-01 10:52:55 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tell me something Funny...
~*~*~*~*~*~NOTHING INNAPROPRIATE OK???~*~*~*~*~*~*~
im only twelve but i need a laugh :)

2006-12-01 10:52:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-01 10:45:00 · 6 answers · asked by Average_JOE 2

A boy was killed in a car crash, but no one knew who he was. So they took him in for an autopsy, and one nurse thought it was Billy. So they called in Billy's two best friends into the autopsy room and asked if they recognized him. As soon as they saw him, they started bawling. "Oh, no, Billy! He's dead!!" So, case closed, the doctor flips Billy over onto his back. Suddenly, the friends stopped crying. "Wait, that can't be Billy! Flip him over again..." So the doctor flips Billy over again, and the friends start bawling again, "Oh, not Billy! Poor Billy!" But when the doctor flips him over again, they stop. "Wait...that isn't Billy..." So the doctor asks, "Why do you think it's Billy from the front, but not from the back?" So one friend answers, "Well, that guy only has one @$$hole." The doctor says, "And what does that have to do with anything?" The friend replies, "Well,whenever we walked through town with Billy, everyone always said, "Oh, look, it's Billy and those two @$$holes..."

2006-12-01 10:44:57 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

between medium and rare



6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.

2006-12-01 10:44:19 · 14 answers · asked by chris w. 7