Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

ok what has 100000000 arms 100000000 legs and no head????

2006-12-02 03:50:05 · 17 answers · asked by Erin N 1

Just wondering

2006-12-02 03:49:00 · 8 answers · asked by Abercrombieluver223 1

Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit
Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS

2006-12-02 03:47:38 · 11 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

you are in the basemet of an old house. there is a 3 position light switch on the wall. the switch is linked to a light on the 2nd floor (you cannot see the light from the basement). How do you find out which position turns the light on if you can only go upstairs once?

2006-12-02 03:46:32 · 8 answers · asked by nycorvette 2

The three wise men arrived to visit the child
lying in the manger. One of the wise men was
exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the
low doorway as he entered the stable.
Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
Write that down, Mary," said Joseph
It's better than Derek."

2006-12-02 03:44:34 · 15 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

Ever wonder why they use ABCDEF for bra sizes? A - absent B - barely visible C -come in useful D - damn good E - Enormous F - fantastic FF- ******* fake!

2006-12-02 03:34:36 · 34 answers · asked by zoda 1

good luck you'll never guess!!!

2006-12-02 03:31:07 · 21 answers · asked by Erin N 1

Little johnnys neighbour had a baby. but he was born without ears. Johnny and his mum and dad went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention its ears or he would get a spanking. Johnny looked in the cot and said what a lovely baby. Lovely feet, hands, skin. How's his eyesight. The babys mother said it was perfect. Johnny replied thats great cos he'd be Fucked if he needed glasses!!

2006-12-02 03:29:50 · 16 answers · asked by zoda 1

mate , you''v gotta stop w*nking sa soon as possible , i said , why will i go blind , he said , no, but you'r embarrasing the other patients !!

2006-12-02 03:27:34 · 16 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

Had slept with 1 of his patients & felt really guilty. No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayel was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say 'Dave don't worry about it. U aren't the 1st doctor 2 sleep with 1 of ur patients & u won't be the last and ur single, just let it go'. But invariably the other voice would bring him back 2 reality whispering 'Dave you're a fuckin vet!'

2006-12-02 03:18:16 · 12 answers · asked by zoda 1

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and
said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, but
I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."

"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are
not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa
bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life
crises.

2006-12-02 02:57:57 · 22 answers · asked by SWM 38 _4_ YOUNG GF 5

... He spins the gun and slaps it back in the holster. He then walks to the bar and shoutsa " Gimme three fingers of Redeye!". The Bartender say's "Nice shootin', Cowboy, can I get a look at that gun of yours? maybe I can give you some advice". " Sure thing"., said the cowboy, handing him the gun. " OK", said the Bartender, "First, you file off the fore-sight, then you cut off the trigger guard, next, you rub the barrle down with a fine emery cloth and last of all, you coat it with a thin layer of oil". "And that'll make me a better gun-slinger?" said the cowboy. " I don't about that", said the bartender, " but if you fire that gun again, in here, I'll make it a lot easier for me to SHOVE IT UP YOUR FUCKIN' ****!"

2006-12-02 02:57:16 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rare Children Books hard to find. Out of print.
1.Toys in the Oven Plates on the Bed 2.Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want. 3.The Indoor Pool,Big Potty and the Divingboard Flusher. 4.Homemade Fireworks by Bathtub,Blowdryer,and a Fork. 5.Pappa goes the Walmart Play Microwave Games. 6.How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish.
7.101 recipies to make with Dog Food. 8.The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator.

(10 Commandments of Kids)
1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)
2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)
7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")
10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave'm in the middle)

2006-12-02 02:51:29 · 7 answers · asked by Ari 7

Two women friends had gone for a big girl's night out.
Incredibly drunk and
walking home they needed to pee, so they
stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she
thought she would take
off her panties and use them. Her friend,
however was wearing a
rather expensive pair of panties and did not
want to ruin them. She
was lucky enough to squat down next to
a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the
girls did their business they
proceeded to go home. The
next day one of the women's husbands was
concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
so he phoned the
other husband and said,
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst..
my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card
stuck to her *** that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

2006-12-02 02:49:43 · 16 answers · asked by Papa Spyk! 1

2006-12-02 02:35:52 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A. He got the sack.

2006-12-02 02:31:39 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

his new neighbour about size of his dog. Don't worry about him says the bloke, best thing to do if he comes near you is throw a piece of s**t a him he doesn't like that and will go away. That's all well and good says the chap but what if I cant find a piece of s**t. If he comes near you, you'll find one !!!!!!!!!

2006-12-02 02:29:18 · 13 answers · asked by Shredder 6

How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard, only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share you box with 5 other guys.
But worst of all.....the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!
So cheer up, your life ain't that bad!

2006-12-02 02:06:24 · 25 answers · asked by Shazza 1

Until I am measured, I am not known. Yet how you miss me, When I have flown. What am i?

2006-12-02 01:59:33 · 20 answers · asked by Sweetie Chick 2

what type of clock tells exactly the right time 2 times a day?

2006-12-02 01:56:55 · 10 answers · asked by Sweetie Chick 2

At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?

2006-12-02 01:56:03 · 16 answers · asked by Sweetie Chick 2

Irish exam paper.
Which country is the Queen of England Queen of ...............

2006-12-02 01:55:56 · 17 answers · asked by Shredder 6

what has.....4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the afternoon and 3 legs in the night?
yay - btw im nt thick i no the anser.....bt du u?

2006-12-02 01:44:50 · 19 answers · asked by Sweetie Chick 2

1(Father and a Son)
One day a boy and his father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.
The boy asked his Dad, 'What are these Pop?'
'They're smart pills son,' said his father.
'Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, 'Yuck...these taste like poop!'
'See', said his father, 'you're already getting smarter!'

2(Blonde and a Train)
A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"
"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."
"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

For more jokes and fun http://360.yahoo.com/nihon94

2006-12-02 01:42:22 · 17 answers · asked by Ari 7

2006-12-02 01:29:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man, I should be at Chicosci right now... But my friends bailed on me and I'm not allowed to go alone... I'm already about to cry! I wanna watch so badly... It's too late though, I sold my ticket...

try to cheer me up, The one who makes me laugh hardest get the ten points. Good luck. You'll need it.

2006-12-02 01:18:45 · 7 answers · asked by xXanythingbutinnocentXx 2

2006-12-02 01:05:54 · 22 answers · asked by POM 1

2006-12-02 01:01:20 · 15 answers · asked by NIA 1

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want
three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat
tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think
this place is, an auto parts store"?
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are two slices of
crisp bacon."
"Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie"?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

My joke group
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheJokeGallery2

2006-12-02 00:42:09 · 24 answers · asked by Twisted Vixen 4

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I dont know what to

do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut

off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get

undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into

bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway,slam the front door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the a~s~s and say, 'WHOS HORNY'?????!!!!! And she acts like shes sound asleep. It Works Every Time!"

BYE - Imtiyaz G

2006-12-02 00:40:05 · 12 answers · asked by Imtiyaz G 4