Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

If it were two hours later, it would be half as long until midnight as it would be if it were an hour later. What time is it now?

Please explain your answer. Completely.

2006-12-02 08:41:53 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl awaits at the bus stop, but the bus passes her on by. So the next day the little girl said that if the bus passed her again she would chase it.

Why Did The Little Girl In Up In The Hospital

Hint: She didn't get hit by a car!

2006-12-02 08:39:46 · 6 answers · asked by Wimpyyy 3

what is the name of the horse in jingle bells

2006-12-02 08:33:58 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

a boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy,"If I write your exact weight weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50. but if I cannot, I will pay u $50." The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees,thinking no matter what the carny writes he'll just say he weighs more or less. In the boy ended up paying the man $50.

HOW DID THE MAN WIN THE BET?

2006-12-02 08:19:34 · 10 answers · asked by Wimpyyy 3

Three white men were taken captive by a hostile Indian tribe. The chieftain was willing to let them go so he took them to a tepee, where there was no light. He put one head band on each of their heads (he had 3 white and 2 red - so 2 head bands were not used). Then they went out in a queue so that each man saw the head-band of those standing in front of himself (the first one did not see any head band, the second one saw the first one's head band, and the third one saw the head bands of the two others). If somebody said the colour of his head-band, they all would be free. After a quiet while one of them said: "My head-band is ...".
What colour was his head band? And how would you reason it?

2006-12-02 08:15:57 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Mexican,Black, and White guy were stranded in the Wilderness. They found a genie bottle, and got 3 wishes(1 each)..The Black guy wish was..To be home in Alabama with family.The White guy wish was to be back home in North dakota..The Mexican guy wish was" I wish my 2 friends were back here with me"...

2006-12-02 08:15:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do U call a fake noodle?.........an Impasta...

2006-12-02 08:09:52 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Let's say some primitive organisms divide themselves every minute into two equal parts which also divide the next minute and so on. The saucer in which we started observing this process was full at 12:00. At what time was the saucer half full?

2006-12-02 08:08:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

2006-12-02 08:02:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

-how do you kill a blonde????
give her a gun and tell her it is a blow drier
-what do you have when 20 blondes are lined up ear to ear?
a wind tunnel


- anyone hav anything better??? suprise me.

2006-12-02 07:53:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-02 07:42:51 · 10 answers · asked by caroline_mrt 2

on runescape, i tried to become a member. after i typed in name phone #, etc, it went to a white screen, and thats all. what is wrong? do i need to download something? please help.

2006-12-02 07:36:00 · 7 answers · asked by buster_dragon_00 1

My teacher is so very nice
I always take her good advice
shes just as soft as bunny fur
i think id like to sleep with her

2006-12-02 07:35:57 · 12 answers · asked by new81complex 2

wich would you prefer........

2006-12-02 07:34:29 · 16 answers · asked by darren_nnx 2

There once was a man from nantuckkett...

Ive been tying to hear this for years but it always gets used as a one liner or its censored.

2006-12-02 07:34:11 · 5 answers · asked by new81complex 2

I love life and life loves me
Im as happy as can be
a happier man nowhere exists
i think ill go and slash my wrists

2006-12-02 07:32:35 · 8 answers · asked by new81complex 2

Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men, on the topic of happiness. He said "I can prove to you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have!"

To prove this he glanced at the audience. And he saw a man at the right hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do you have sex?" he asked.
"Once a month." the man answered.

Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle, having a bigger smile. And he asked him "Sir, How often do you have sex?"
"Once a week. " the man shouted.

Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man laughing. "You seem to be a very happy man, So how often do you have sex?"
"Well, ...everyday" the happy man answered. "There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have" said the philosopher.

But far off at the end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air. Laughing and jumping with so much happiness. So the philosopher said to him, "You sure look like a very happy man?"
"Yes,.Yes .. Yes," answered the very happy man.
"So how often do you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked.
The man answered "Once a year...."

The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher asked the man "WHAT? Then why are you so happy??"

The man while laughing, and jumping said: "IT'S TONIGHT... IT'S TONIGHT!!"

2006-12-02 07:31:20 · 12 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

A man donates blood after his wife is hurt badly in a car smash. Months later they go through a nasty divorce and he demands his blood back! She trows a used tampax into his face and says 'There you go you b*stard....I'll pay you monthly'!!!

2006-12-02 07:30:55 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-02 07:20:24 · 5 answers · asked by richincalciumandvitamind 2

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"

2006-12-02 07:17:59 · 7 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
"Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

2006-12-02 07:16:12 · 14 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

and said , is Fred here , the lady said , no , he's gone into town to get some cotton , you'l have to come back tomorrow , so i went back the next day and said , is Fred here now , the lady said , no, he's gone into town to get some cotton , you'l have to come back tomorrow , so i went back and i said is Fred here now , the lady said , no , Freds dead , i said , what !! she said , yes Fred's gone ,------------- but not forcotton !!

2006-12-02 07:15:32 · 7 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

i) Feel furious having article on view
Inwardly boil (6)
E - E - H -

ii) Lots know him as 'Jack'
Scoundrel (5)
I - A - E

iii) Many find it appetising - but it could be rubbish
Cow stomach as food (5)
N - I - -

Any ideas cos this one is doin my nut

2006-12-02 07:12:49 · 7 answers · asked by england til i die 3

i found a red bunglow the other day and it amazed me, the sink was red, the chairs were red the pets were red the lawn was red the people that lived inside it were red. everything in sight is red just red nothing but red, red,red. the real question is what colour were the stairs?

2006-12-02 07:11:53 · 6 answers · asked by millers 1

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

2006-12-02 07:11:27 · 15 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

A Captain in the army was transferred to a desert outpost.

On his orientation tour he noticed an old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from town and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING ME THE CAMEL!!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped down from the stool, he felt very satisfied. When he was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well.. No sir.. They usually just use it to ride into town.."

2006-12-02 07:02:37 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town


Oh you better not shout, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why,
Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.

He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks,
I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks,
Daddy's home and boy is he drunk,

He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.
Sooooooo....

You better not pout, you better not cry,
I don't like that look in his eye,
Daddy's home and I think he's....
Daddy's home and boy is he.......
Daddy's home and he's really drunk!

2006-12-02 07:01:56 · 13 answers · asked by skimboardergal6 3

What do you call a Scottish cloakroom attendant?
Angus McCoatup

My mate's so humourless....the last time he cracked a gag was in an S&M dungeon!

What's the most dangerous insect? The hepatitis bee

2006-12-02 07:00:05 · 14 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff.

"Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?"

"Well Sheriff, it's a long story." "I ain't going nowhere", said the Sheriff. "Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon.

We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did.

Then we started getting real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did."

He continued,"We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same.

So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said 'Okay,Billy-Bob, go to town'.

2006-12-02 06:54:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-02 06:54:10 · 7 answers · asked by richincalciumandvitamind 2